"Was I too harsh with my kids? I should have handled that situation with them more calmly. They are going to learn such negative behavior from me." "How much of the divorce was my fault? I was overly critical and impatient for a very long time." "Does so-and-so think that I handled that situation with my kids badly?" The whopper: "Will I be the same with any other man who enters my life? Will I always be critical no matter who he is? And will this critical attitude spill over into my relationship with my kids?"
Is this kind of self-doubt normal? And if so, why are we, as women, allowing ourselves to have such negative conversations in our heads? And why do I care what other people think?
I think that I am generally viewed as a pretty confident person. I am confident that I am an exceptional teacher. I am confident that I know math very well. I am confident in my cooking ability. There are a lot of things that I am confident about. But there are just as many things (if not more) that I am incredibly insecure about. The two biggest things are how I'm raising my kids and my ability to have a successful relationship in the future. Check that: there are a lot of things that I am confident about in regard to how I'm raising my kids. I'm insecure about the ways that I discipline them. I read so much about how to parent positively and raise children without yelling. But I'm not great at it yet and I hear the tone that I take with them echoed in my son's voice sometimes. It breaks my heart. My kids are the most important thing in the world to me yet I can't find the patience to always treat them that way.
The second, less important point makes me think that I will be lacking that partner in crime that I wrote about the other day for a very long time. I know the mistakes that I made in my marriage; I am very well aware of them. (I've been through enough counseling to last a lifetime.) The thing is, I am who I am. I don't think that I can change. I tried and tried so incredibly hard to stop being critical of MSTBE but I never could. In fact, I'm still trying because I don't want my kids to see me interacting with him in such a negative way. I wonder if I would be so critical with a person who thinks more like me. Would I criticize a man that I respect more, who works really hard for his family and doesn't take the easy way out of situations? Would I be able to make a relationship work with someone who could put me in my place when it is needed or would that make things even worse?
I've learned that in so many ways, expectations are problem causers. I have incredibly high expectations of the people around me and when they don't meet those expectations, I'm let down. (If you couldn't tell already, I also have incredibly high expectations of myself and I kick myself - very hard - when I don't meet them.)
I have told many people since making the decision to divorce that I just don't think my personality is right for marriage. I don't want that to be true but I sincerely believe that it is. I hope that I will "grow up" before I become old and grey by myself but I can't imagine how that's possibly going to happen.
Moral of the story: I need to stop being so tough on myself, on the people around me, and especially on my kids, (even though I like to think that I'm only tough on them occasionally).
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