January 23, 2016 - I'm Done Blaming Myself!

On my facebook page, I promised a blog post because I've been dealing with some heavy duty stuff and knew that I needed to write to feel some relief. But I've decided that writing about what's going on is not in my best interest: there is a potential legal fight in the works and I don't think that it is wise to write about details in a public place. Once there is a resolution, I will update here. Instead, I'm going to write about a revelation that I had today.

This blog post... I don't even know where to begin. I just happened across it when a friend shared it on facebook. (Yes, I'm on facebook too often and yes, I'm lame for being on facebook still instead of Twitter.) I started by scrolling, which is typically what I do when I open any kind of link, and saw that it was LONG. Not just kinda long, but really long. I almost skipped reading it but decided to give it a whirl and was sucked in immediately.

But wait a minute, let me back up. (You might be able to tell that I'm a bit all over the place tonight as I still don't completely have my head in the game.) Some background is necessary before I start talking to you about this blog and the revelation that it caused me to have.

I used to blame myself for the demise of my marriage. I did. Not in a broken up over it or beating myself up kind of way. But more in a reflective way, a way that would help me learn and grow. It never really bothered me much to think that I caused my divorce. Blaming myself didn't bother me because I don't wish that the divorce never happened. It didn't bother me because I have sincerely learned so much about myself and don't believe that I will behave the same if I ever do get into another serious relationship. It didn't bother me because I wasn't kicking myself, thinking that if I would have been different, things would have been different. Our marriage would have destructed even if I was a perfect partner because MSTBE was not a good partner and never would have been, no matter how different I could have been. But it still didn't feel good to think that my personality traits were the cause of a failed marriage.

When I read that blog post today, I realized that I have been wrong all along. I blamed myself for the demise of my marriage because I was critical. I blamed myself for the demise of my marriage because I must have had unrealistic expectations of what a partner could provide in terms of loving and caring, supporting, nurturing, and connecting emotionally and physically. But after reading that blog post today, I realized that there isn't only one side to the critical coin. And there isn't only one side to anything in any relationship. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? But I often wasn't seeing it.

Yes, I was critical, oftentimes insanely critical. But there is at least one man out there (the author of said blog post) that believes that if a woman asks her significant other to do something over and over again, it might actually be his fault that things went sour in the relationship if he decides that it's not important enough to do. He doesn't understand why it's important to her so screw her, right? But there's more to it than that and she isn't just nagging to nag.

I think that I started crying when I read this part:

"I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.

Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

Caring about her = 'Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?'

Caring about her = a million little things that say 'I love you' more than speaking the words ever can."

Any woman knows that it's not about the glass being left by the sink or the baby bottles that aren't being washed properly. We aren't finding reasons to nag just to nag and we aren't trying to end your life outside of the marriage. We aren't simply being critical just because it's fun or enjoyable. It's not either. It's about feeling like your partner is in this life with you for the long haul and will be by your side. And when you're left alone with a six month old after running a half marathon the morning of Super Bowl Sunday so that your husband can go have drinks with a bunch of single friends, you don't feel those things. When he withdraws from her family events instead of engaging and becoming a part of the family, it doesn't feel like you have someone who is truly in it. The nagging and being critical is about so much more. It's about feeling respected and appreciated. It's about feeling loved. It's about being able to trust the partner that you promised the rest of your life to.

After reading that blog post, I'm done blaming myself! I don't put the blame all on MSTBE, either. But I'm done putting the burden of the blame on myself. And, on top of it, I have discovered that there's at least one man in the universe who seems to really "get it." Here's to hoping that there are plenty more out there!