An unexpected explosion of emotion, that's the only way that I can describe it. Tonight, after a fun event with some girlfriends, for which I bought a new cocktail dress and shoes, had my hair done by a professional, painted my nails, and spent more time on my make up than I have in the last week combined, I had an unexpected explosion of emotion.
On the way to the event, I had to drive near the neighborhood in which I would say that my divorce "happened." We lived in this neighborhood for a short two years. I don't drive through this neighborhood in which my divorce happened very often anymore because I live about 10 miles north, work is in the opposite direction, and I have everything that I need nearby. Driving on the main street that is tangent to the neighborhood brought back some emotions but, with the anticipation of a fun night on my mind, I was able to push those emotions out of my mind. On the way home from the event, there was night time traffic on the main street below the actual neighborhood that we lived in. Being the impatient person that I am, I turned up a street to avoid the traffic because I knew that going through the neighborhood would be much faster. Almost immediately I regretted the shortcut.
As I drove up the hill, I started feeling anxious. When I made the left turn into the neighborhood, I couldn't stop the tears. Initially, the tears were induced from the memory of all of the long walks that I took, taking me and my son to the furthest part of the neighborhood, to either avoid what I was trying to deny or to avoid what I had finally admitted. As I got closer to the house, I remembered the first times that I had taken my son to the small park across the street to get out of the house and have breakfast, just me and him. And as I drove down the hill, I remembered the night that we all moved into the house and MSTBE and I got take out Italian from the restaurant that I drove past tonight, seemingly a happy family with a new beginning. It was like experiencing my divorce in reverse. It took me from the worst time in my marriage to a time when I still thought that there was hope, completely in denial of the reality that I knew, deep in my heart, was immanent.
Once I left the neighborhood, still unable to stop the tears, I was trying to figure out what had caused them. There's not a fiber of my being that wishes that things were different between me and MSTBE. "Why am I crying, no, sobbing, uncontrollably?" Thirty minutes later, changed out of my dress and the shoes that were about to break each of my feet in two, lying in bed, I can't answer that question. So here's the real question: when is it going to stop hurting?
