Tonight, as I was driving home from a movie with a girlfriend, I couldn't stop my mind from racing about marriage and relationships. I kept thinking over and over, "I want to believe." And then I passed by an apartment building that had a very prominently lit Christmas tree in the large window at the front and I almost laughed out loud. How ironic that today, on Christmas day, I can't stop thinking about how much I want to believe in something that seems somewhat impossible to have faith in.
"What prompted these thoughts?" you might be wondering. In the past couple of months, I've had dating thrown in my face quite a bit.
In mid October, I met a spectacular group of women on a community page on facebook when one of them posted asking for other women interested in running and beer. What an awesome concept, right? We all meet up at a local brewery, run 2-4 miles, and then hang out and have a beer together. In the short two months that I've known these ladies, we've done our usual weekly run and beer but there's been so much more. We've gone out drinking together, they've helped me move my tenants belongings out of storage to sell (and brought beer, to boot), we've had a Christmas event, and I visited one of them in the hospital after she'd been there all day with her daughter. To say that we've become fast friends is an understatement. Two of the ladies, whom I've spent the most time with, are both divorced and have experienced the dating scene since their divorces; one of them is actively dating and the other had been but is on a "boy break." Conversations with them about dating got the wheels turning in my head, despite feeling no rush to get back into the scene.
A few weeks ago when I was selling my tenant's belongings (see here if you're a first time reader and this sounds odd to you), a gentleman that came to buy some items asked me for my phone number. He was tall, dark, and handsome although completely not my type and he was very flattering so, against what my gut was telling me, I gave him my number. To make a long story short, he has actively been pursuing me off and on because he felt a connection when we spoke on the phone but I didn't feel anything strong enough to warrant a date. If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times: instead of spending time trying to get to know a stranger via awkward conversation, I'd rather be hanging out with girlfriends or doing yoga or having some alone time. (I don't mention my kids here because nothing would cut into time with my kids; that time is sacred.) He seems like a sincerely nice guy but I noticed too many differences in personality, beliefs, and hobbies to believe that there could ever be anything there.
Through all of this, I remained steadfast in my feeling that I'm happier and better off on my own. That changed last Monday when I met my mortgage broker for the first time. I have been working with him since I started looking at homes several months ago but I had only spoken with him on the phone and via email. I had seen his picture as a small icon on something that he sent me. It was basically microscopic but I could tell that he is very attractive. Every time I spoke with him, he seemed like a very nice, hard working man. And my real estate agent has sung his praises time and time again. Despite finding him attractive and having been told great things about him, I never really thought anything of it. But something made me schedule a meeting with him to sit down and run some numbers face to face, even though we could have easily done it over the phone or even via email.
With my busy schedule and an out of town meeting that he had, there was about a week from the time that we scheduled until the actual meeting. As it drew closer, I began to get excited about meeting him. Like a silly high school girl, I had begun talking about him and showing his pictures on facebook to my friends (he had recently friend requested me). One of the girls kept texting me about him with the emoji that has hearts for eyes. I literally sent a group text to all of the single girls from my running group to discuss what I should wear to the meeting. I think part of the excitement and anticipation was simply because it was fun and new. I was feeling things that I hadn't felt in a very long time. But there was a little part of me that did want to be found attractive by this attractive man.
When I walked into his office on Monday morning, I was almost stopped in my tracks. I turned into a blubbering idiot. This guy isn't just attractive; he is an incredibly handsome gentleman. But he doesn't look like a model. He's MY kind of attractive, MY type. Don't get me wrong, I think that most women would find him attractive. I'm not trying to downplay that. But good Lord, if there was ever a guy that I considered my type, it's this guy. I was immediately greeted with a slight smirk, like we had an inside joke together or something. And it wasn't a slimy smirk; it was more like a shy smirk. Throughout the meeting, he flashed that same smirk several times. I wish that I could describe what I picked up on from him but I can't really put it into words, probably mostly because I was so taken aback by my attraction to him. In fact, there was a brief time when I stopped hearing his voice because I was imagining a first kiss with him, which is so unlike me!
Even though I can't describe to you what happened in that half hour meeting I can tell you that something changed in me. There might have been true chemistry (which may or may not come to fruition after we're done doing business together), or he might have simply lit a spark in my interest in dating in general. This attraction to a handsome man who has been praised over and over again by a woman whose opinion I respect has brought back some hope for me. I really want to believe that a long term relationship is a realistic goal for my future. It still seems a little bit like believing in Santa Claus but I have to admit that there is a renewed feeling of optimism.
I did text my real estate agent about the meeting to update her on the financial aspect and threw this in "(Side note: he is very handsome!)" to which she responded that he is very much a gentleman, too. And I'm left wondering.
