And it had nothing to do with New Years Eve. I've never been a fan of this holiday and it means very little to me.
If you've read a previous post, you know that MSTBE recently cut down his time with the kids because of work. My son has been having a difficult time with it. He regularly cries that he misses his Dad or that he wants to spend the night at his Dad's instead. It's been challenging to deal with on so many levels.
There's nothing that I can do to make it better for him, which kills me. I don't know what to say aside from telling him when he'll next see his Dad, offering to call MSTBE so that he can talk to him, trying to validate his feelings, and then as a last ditch effort I try to distract him with something.
But it's also been incredibly difficult because I feel so worthless and unappreciated. This is the part that is really slaying me not only because I'm having these feelings but mostly because I feel guilty for having them. I know that the way that he is behaving is completely normal. I know that he loves me and needs me in his life as much if not more than anyone else. But for some reason it still breaks my heart.
This is one of those things about being a parent where I need to learn something about myself in order to do a better job at raising my kids. What is it about myself that is causing me to have such a negative reaction to completely normal 3-year-old-going-through-a-divorce behavior and how do I keep it from affecting the way that I treat said 3 year old? I haven't had much of a chance to analyze it because I've been drowning my feelings with Watch What Happens Live and Candy Crush Soda Saga. That will be good enough for tonight. I will get to the analyzing in the light of day tomorrow.
Truly, I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2015. I know that my year will be looking up and I anticipate many great experiences.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
December 30, 2014 ~ Always Learning About Myself: Temperament is Not Our "Fault"
I literally just went from laughing out loud to having a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in about 2 seconds flat. But I get tears in my eyes every time that I learn something new about myself. And that's been happening a lot lately.
I was laughing as I was driving home from Sprouts, thinking about something my daughter did yesterday. It was the end of the day, Frozen was on, and I was catching up on things on my phone (ie checking facebook). She was carrying my heavy glass water bottle around for no good reason then looked at me and said, "Put phone down! Fill it up!" All 20 months of her put those two sentences together and demanded that I jump to action. I laughed at the memory and thought, "Yup, that's my girl. She sure is a lot like me."
The thoughts that followed went so quickly that I couldn't possibly put them into the exact words nor express the speed at which they went through my mind but it went something like this.
And that's when I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. You see, they were almost tears of joy. Because I figured out something pretty major about the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I do believe that temperament is something that we're born with and something that we can't change. My temperament is similar to my daughter's (or hers is like mine) in that we are both very intense and persistent. Maybe that's putting it nicely. We are both demanding.
I've often looked down on myself and wished that I could be less of both of those things. It probably goes back to the first marriage counselor that MSTBE and I saw who seemed to think that if I could be more "soft" that our marriage would be more successful. Gosh, I'd like to get deeper into that experience but I think I'll have to save that for another post because it would take quite a while to write about.
So maybe now that I've had this realization that my temperament is not my "fault," which I sincerely believe, I will be a little bit easier on myself. Check out this link on temperament and see what you think. Are there things that you do which are related to your temperament that you allow yourself to feel badly about? How about we all take a vow to remind ourselves about temperament whenever we start thinking negatively about ourselves?
I was laughing as I was driving home from Sprouts, thinking about something my daughter did yesterday. It was the end of the day, Frozen was on, and I was catching up on things on my phone (ie checking facebook). She was carrying my heavy glass water bottle around for no good reason then looked at me and said, "Put phone down! Fill it up!" All 20 months of her put those two sentences together and demanded that I jump to action. I laughed at the memory and thought, "Yup, that's my girl. She sure is a lot like me."
The thoughts that followed went so quickly that I couldn't possibly put them into the exact words nor express the speed at which they went through my mind but it went something like this.
Well, that's just her temperament. She was born that way.
But wait, why do I get so angry at myself for having that same temperament
but I don't get angry with either of my kids for their temperament?
And that's when I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. You see, they were almost tears of joy. Because I figured out something pretty major about the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I do believe that temperament is something that we're born with and something that we can't change. My temperament is similar to my daughter's (or hers is like mine) in that we are both very intense and persistent. Maybe that's putting it nicely. We are both demanding.
I've often looked down on myself and wished that I could be less of both of those things. It probably goes back to the first marriage counselor that MSTBE and I saw who seemed to think that if I could be more "soft" that our marriage would be more successful. Gosh, I'd like to get deeper into that experience but I think I'll have to save that for another post because it would take quite a while to write about.
So maybe now that I've had this realization that my temperament is not my "fault," which I sincerely believe, I will be a little bit easier on myself. Check out this link on temperament and see what you think. Are there things that you do which are related to your temperament that you allow yourself to feel badly about? How about we all take a vow to remind ourselves about temperament whenever we start thinking negatively about ourselves?
Monday, December 1, 2014
December 1, 2014 ~ A New Development; I'm Torn
I just found out that MSTBE has decided that he can't take responsibility for our children on one of the three days that he does anything for them. (On the day in question, he picks them up from daycare, takes them to the park, and drops our daughter off around 5 pm then takes our son to his house for the night.) I'm trying to type this without making it negative, focusing only on my experience of it. I'm having a difficult time. I don't want to focus on the anger or negative feelings because letting those things take over has never helped anyone. I'm sure you, as a reader, can imagine the anger that I'm feeling and, if you know me at all, you will probably have a few choice words for MSTBE going through your head as you read this. Instead of the anger, I will focus on the emotions and hope that writing about them and sharing them with you will help me work through them.
Here's why I'm torn.
Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!
But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?
This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type.
I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.
I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)
Here's why I'm torn.
Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!
But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?
This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type.
I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.
I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)