Today I saw my counselor for a little bit of "maintenance". I saw her fairly regularly about four years ago when I was learning to truly examine my feelings and behavior. I also saw her with MSTBE more than a handful of times after the quick fix that a previous marriage counselor had helped us with wore off. I've seen her for "maintenance" a few times throughout the years. Today was a follow up to an appointment about five weeks ago that I had scheduled because I was feeling incredibly out of control in my dealings with my three year old son. He was pushing my daughter, tackling her, etc so much that I had begun yelling at him, which is not something that I normally do. I'm usually pretty good about stopping and dealing with the situation instead of letting my emotions or fear or frustration get the best of me.
Today I didn't have a whole lot to talk to her about. And it felt good. I'm not certain what's happened in the last five weeks but I have this amazing sense of peace about me. I have come to the realization that I need to relax and not always try to be in control; I was never in control to begin with. I've decided not to let other peoples' actions frustrate me when they have not direct consequence on my life. I don't stress out (as much) when I'm running five minutes late because people know me, they know that I value their time, and they know that I wouldn't be late for no good reason. I don't try to plan for every possible situation that could ever happen in the future; I always used to have a Plan A, B, C and D for everything and I'm not doing that anymore. I've handled situations with my kids in a much more calm, loving manner and I can see that my son is picking up on it. And I've started to give myself a break a little bit more.
I've always been an "I Can Do It All" type of person. But you know what, it's actually kind of nice not trying to do it all. Right now, I have laundry sitting on the bench at the foot of my bed. My son is at MSTBE's house so at the very least, I could put the new sheets on his bed and hang his and my clothes. But instead, I'm catching up on Season 1 of The Blacklist (which I'm OBSESSED with) and typing this, gathering some peace of mind. I've taken Me Time every weekend for the past month to paint my fingernails.
I wish that I could pinpoint something that has happened in the last five weeks to have caused such a drastic change in my being. Either way, I'm happy that it happened, whatever "it" is.
P.S. I'm sorry for the decreased blog activity; I'm back to work after having the summer off and I'm still getting back into the swing of things. I hope to post every week starting very soon.
Wednesday, September 24, 2014
Saturday, September 6, 2014
September 6, 2014 ~ Learning Who Will Really Be There
Why does it seem that just when I'm realizing how truly important friends and family are, when I'm learning to value quality time with the people whom I love the most, and when I've finally made a commitment to making more time for these people, I'm smacked in the face with the fact that some of the people whom I thought that I could count on the most are not truly there for me?
I guess when I think about it, this has happened before and isn't altogether uncommon. I felt this same pang just over six years ago when I got married and I have had so many friends mention the same thing when they got married. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the feeling that you get when you are going through something important in your life and you need to be able to lean on someone, either for support in a difficult time or just to have them be present during a special time in your life, and they let you fall flat on your face. For me, it's a matter of the person or people not making me a priority.
What makes it so much more hurtful is that I wonder if I've done something to cause the behavior. Was I not a good enough friend? Did I say something wrong without realizing it? I guess that goes back to insecurities that I have with myself though and isn't really about them.
Because my extended family lives out of state and I've lived in many different regions of Southern California throughout my life, I don't feel like I have a lot of "people." You know, people whom I can count on. A crew. Friends whom I consider family. Whatever you want to call it. And that makes it even more difficult when I realize that someone whom I thought was, in fact, one of my "people" maybe doesn't consider me one of her "people."
I think that part of this hurt is about growing up. I've decided that I'm not anymore going to deal with some of the crap that I've routinely dealt with. I used to allow people to put me on the side burner of their lives, always being there whenever they had time for me, but I'm done with that. Life is too short to be treated poorly and made to feel less important.
The pang stings a bit worse when I think about my kids. I want them to have people. I want them to have a solid crew that they can count on.
I've started watching "The Wahlburgers." It's a pretty silly reality TV show about the Wahlberg family and a couple of restaurants that they've opened up. But the reason that I mention it is because they are a family with an amazingly tight bond and they have a group of friends whom they are so incredibly close with, even though they are celebrities and travel and have insane schedules. I'm sure they have problems in their lives, don't get me wrong. But seeing the support that they get from each other and their friends truly makes me jealous.
I guess when I think about it, this has happened before and isn't altogether uncommon. I felt this same pang just over six years ago when I got married and I have had so many friends mention the same thing when they got married. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the feeling that you get when you are going through something important in your life and you need to be able to lean on someone, either for support in a difficult time or just to have them be present during a special time in your life, and they let you fall flat on your face. For me, it's a matter of the person or people not making me a priority.
What makes it so much more hurtful is that I wonder if I've done something to cause the behavior. Was I not a good enough friend? Did I say something wrong without realizing it? I guess that goes back to insecurities that I have with myself though and isn't really about them.
Because my extended family lives out of state and I've lived in many different regions of Southern California throughout my life, I don't feel like I have a lot of "people." You know, people whom I can count on. A crew. Friends whom I consider family. Whatever you want to call it. And that makes it even more difficult when I realize that someone whom I thought was, in fact, one of my "people" maybe doesn't consider me one of her "people."
I think that part of this hurt is about growing up. I've decided that I'm not anymore going to deal with some of the crap that I've routinely dealt with. I used to allow people to put me on the side burner of their lives, always being there whenever they had time for me, but I'm done with that. Life is too short to be treated poorly and made to feel less important.
The pang stings a bit worse when I think about my kids. I want them to have people. I want them to have a solid crew that they can count on.
I've started watching "The Wahlburgers." It's a pretty silly reality TV show about the Wahlberg family and a couple of restaurants that they've opened up. But the reason that I mention it is because they are a family with an amazingly tight bond and they have a group of friends whom they are so incredibly close with, even though they are celebrities and travel and have insane schedules. I'm sure they have problems in their lives, don't get me wrong. But seeing the support that they get from each other and their friends truly makes me jealous.
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