Here are two things that I posted on facebook today. Please follow me on my facebook page with the same name as this blog:
https://www.facebook.com/howdidigetherediaryofadivorce?ref_type=bookmark
"Ever since announcing my divorce to the world I feel like I have to go out looking my best at all times. I'm doing my "full make up" every day and paying attention to what I wear far more. I feel that I need to let everyone know that I'm ok. I AM ok. A year ago, I was a disaster. Six months ago, times were tough. But now, I'm ok. In fact, I'm good!"
Am I the only one that has felt this way?
"Yesterday I'm at an old friend's house, catching up with several great friends whom I don't see often enough because distance has come between us a bit. One of them comments on my sandals being cute (white Rainbows) and I tell her that they were actually my wedding sandals (I changed into them late in the night). She says, "That's ironic" and I must've given her the weirdest look because I didn't know what in the world she was talking about. This morning when I looked at the calendar I realized that yesterday would've been my 6 year wedding anniversary. Ha, obviously my first June 28 as an almost divorced person wasn't too difficult!"
Sunday, June 29, 2014
June 29, 2014 ~ What I Want - My Dream Relationship, An Ongoing Post
I'm certain that I will think of things that I should have added here every single day. I think about my posts and always want to add to them after I type them. But this is going to be something that I obsess over because it's about something that I want.
Let me start by saying that I can't imagine ever getting married again. I think that's a post in itself so I'll save the "Why?" for another day. But I do think about it and what it would look like if I ever do change my mind. Basically it's a list of "What Have I Learned From My Previous Experience?"
In this post, I'm going to focus on something that I've really been... craving. I think that's the only word that really fits. Craving. I have been craving a connection with someone that is built on common interests. There are some romantic notions that go through my head. I have the desire to go wine tasting with someone. I want somebody who loves to travel as much as I do. But the craving that I'm talking about has more to do with the day to day connection. I want someone who will go running with me. I want to be able to sit down at night, have a beer, and watch our favorite TV show together. On another night, we would be content reading books side by side in bed. One night we'd go out early with the kids to a family friendly restaurant and on yet another night, we would get dressed up and go out to a nice dinner and have drinks together after the kids had gone to bed.
I guess these are all somewhat romantic notions and are also all things that are incredibly difficult to do when you have kids. But my marriage with MSTBE was lacking common interests from the beginning and it's something that I kick myself about constantly. How did I think it was okay to marry somebody that I had nothing in common with? But that's the thing: I thought that we had things in common. Shortly after we got married, I started getting frustrated with our lack of connection and MSTBE used to just blow it off and say we had nothing in common, like it was no big deal. But it was a huge deal to me, so much so that I made a list one day of all the things that we had in common because I wanted to prove him wrong. I don't remember what was on that list nor do I have any idea where it is but it was obviously enough to keep me going for a few more years. We both tried to like things that the other person was into but faking it could never last.
Here's the vow that I'm making to myself, in front of all of the world to read (because this blog is available for all of the world, if they feel so inclined to read it): IF I EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, I WILL MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS MANY SIMILAR INTERESTS!
Let me start by saying that I can't imagine ever getting married again. I think that's a post in itself so I'll save the "Why?" for another day. But I do think about it and what it would look like if I ever do change my mind. Basically it's a list of "What Have I Learned From My Previous Experience?"
In this post, I'm going to focus on something that I've really been... craving. I think that's the only word that really fits. Craving. I have been craving a connection with someone that is built on common interests. There are some romantic notions that go through my head. I have the desire to go wine tasting with someone. I want somebody who loves to travel as much as I do. But the craving that I'm talking about has more to do with the day to day connection. I want someone who will go running with me. I want to be able to sit down at night, have a beer, and watch our favorite TV show together. On another night, we would be content reading books side by side in bed. One night we'd go out early with the kids to a family friendly restaurant and on yet another night, we would get dressed up and go out to a nice dinner and have drinks together after the kids had gone to bed.
I guess these are all somewhat romantic notions and are also all things that are incredibly difficult to do when you have kids. But my marriage with MSTBE was lacking common interests from the beginning and it's something that I kick myself about constantly. How did I think it was okay to marry somebody that I had nothing in common with? But that's the thing: I thought that we had things in common. Shortly after we got married, I started getting frustrated with our lack of connection and MSTBE used to just blow it off and say we had nothing in common, like it was no big deal. But it was a huge deal to me, so much so that I made a list one day of all the things that we had in common because I wanted to prove him wrong. I don't remember what was on that list nor do I have any idea where it is but it was obviously enough to keep me going for a few more years. We both tried to like things that the other person was into but faking it could never last.
Here's the vow that I'm making to myself, in front of all of the world to read (because this blog is available for all of the world, if they feel so inclined to read it): IF I EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, I WILL MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS MANY SIMILAR INTERESTS!
Friday, June 27, 2014
Kids Really Show You Who You Are, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly
I see myself in some of the ugly things that my three year old son does. He yells, "Now!" and I think, "Oh boy, he got that from me, didn't he?" I really need to work on my ability to stay even-keeled. I see myself in some of the ugly things that my one year old daughter does. She grabs the spoon that I'm trying to feed her with, throws it down, and then picks it up to feed herself. I think she gets that from me, too. I really need to work on not being so strong willed and stubborn.
It's worse when I see myself treating my kids in ways that I don't like. Fortunately, it doesn't happen often and I have the sense to apologize after I do something ugly. But it still happens sometimes. Like when I lose my patience and yell. I don't want to make my kids feel badly. Nobody does. And it makes me feel awful when I do.
I feel tempted to type, "Nobody's perfect though, right?" But that's not good enough for me. When it comes to my kids, it's just not good enough and I strive for the very best. I guess I have that ideal in many aspects of my life but it is so much more important to me with my kids.
Here's the good thing: I also see the positive aspects of my personality shine through in my kids. I see my son share toys, say please and thank you without prompting, and show that he cares about other people and I know that these things are partly thanks to me (along with other people, I'm sure).
My kids have helped me grow so much as a person. I see myself going with the flow so much more; I express myself and my feelings so much more; I am gaining patience. One of my biggest goals in life has always been to learn about myself and I continually strive to be a better person. My kids are helping me do this.
It's worse when I see myself treating my kids in ways that I don't like. Fortunately, it doesn't happen often and I have the sense to apologize after I do something ugly. But it still happens sometimes. Like when I lose my patience and yell. I don't want to make my kids feel badly. Nobody does. And it makes me feel awful when I do.
I feel tempted to type, "Nobody's perfect though, right?" But that's not good enough for me. When it comes to my kids, it's just not good enough and I strive for the very best. I guess I have that ideal in many aspects of my life but it is so much more important to me with my kids.
Here's the good thing: I also see the positive aspects of my personality shine through in my kids. I see my son share toys, say please and thank you without prompting, and show that he cares about other people and I know that these things are partly thanks to me (along with other people, I'm sure).
My kids have helped me grow so much as a person. I see myself going with the flow so much more; I express myself and my feelings so much more; I am gaining patience. One of my biggest goals in life has always been to learn about myself and I continually strive to be a better person. My kids are helping me do this.
Sunday, June 22, 2014
April 4, 2014 ~ And Now My Problems Are in Perspective
I typed this the day after I typed Sometimes I Want to Curl Up in a Ball and Cry. Reading it again almost three months later is filling me with some of the same emotions I felt the night that I typed it.
"Tonight I'm laying on the floor of my daughter's room as she moans herself to sleep, tears in my eyes like last night. But this time I'm not crying for myself. On the way to work this morning I saw a car with a memorial sticker on it. The boy had the same last name as a student of mine. He died in 2009 at the age of 17. After class, I asked the student if he knew the boy and he said it was his brother. They both went to Florida for the Super Bowl. They both came back sick. My student recovered but his brother got sicker and sicker and eventually died. My student was 10 years old when it happened. During the course of the conversation I asked how his parents are dealing with it. He said that his Mom died a year later of a broken heart, that it's just been him and his Dad for the past five years, and that she never left her room the entire year between the death of her son and her own death.
This is a kid whom I joke with, saying that we have a love/hate relationship. I tell him that he drives me nuts because he never listens to me. But he makes me laugh, he does his work, he earns good grades, and he's caring and well meaning. I never would've guessed that he's been through such trauma.
So yes, I am going through the most difficult time in my life right now. But my pain doesn't even begin to compare with his or his father's."
This student made such an impact on me long before I knew about the trauma that he's experienced in his life. I always felt like I had an even stronger motherly connection with him that I do with most of my students. After finding out that he lost his Mom several years ago, I understood why. I can't imagine how he makes it through the days, let alone how he does it with a smile and a great sense of humor. My heart still hurts for him. I hope to see him again; I hope that he will swing by my classroom to say hello and joke with me about our love/hate relationship a little bit more.
Sometimes timing is a bit weird. I first wrote this post after what I thought was a ridiculously challenging day and my student's situation brought things into perspective for me. Tonight, I was feeling incredibly frustrated about an encounter that I had with MSTBE this morning. I came on here to edit and post something that's been "waiting in the wings" and I clicked on this. And again, things are in perspective.
"Tonight I'm laying on the floor of my daughter's room as she moans herself to sleep, tears in my eyes like last night. But this time I'm not crying for myself. On the way to work this morning I saw a car with a memorial sticker on it. The boy had the same last name as a student of mine. He died in 2009 at the age of 17. After class, I asked the student if he knew the boy and he said it was his brother. They both went to Florida for the Super Bowl. They both came back sick. My student recovered but his brother got sicker and sicker and eventually died. My student was 10 years old when it happened. During the course of the conversation I asked how his parents are dealing with it. He said that his Mom died a year later of a broken heart, that it's just been him and his Dad for the past five years, and that she never left her room the entire year between the death of her son and her own death.
This is a kid whom I joke with, saying that we have a love/hate relationship. I tell him that he drives me nuts because he never listens to me. But he makes me laugh, he does his work, he earns good grades, and he's caring and well meaning. I never would've guessed that he's been through such trauma.
So yes, I am going through the most difficult time in my life right now. But my pain doesn't even begin to compare with his or his father's."
This student made such an impact on me long before I knew about the trauma that he's experienced in his life. I always felt like I had an even stronger motherly connection with him that I do with most of my students. After finding out that he lost his Mom several years ago, I understood why. I can't imagine how he makes it through the days, let alone how he does it with a smile and a great sense of humor. My heart still hurts for him. I hope to see him again; I hope that he will swing by my classroom to say hello and joke with me about our love/hate relationship a little bit more.
Sometimes timing is a bit weird. I first wrote this post after what I thought was a ridiculously challenging day and my student's situation brought things into perspective for me. Tonight, I was feeling incredibly frustrated about an encounter that I had with MSTBE this morning. I came on here to edit and post something that's been "waiting in the wings" and I clicked on this. And again, things are in perspective.
Saturday, June 21, 2014
June 21, 2014 ~ Just a Blurb
This is a blurb from my facebook page. I'd love it if you would "like" me on there.
"I email myself ideas for posts on my blog pretty regularly because I don't have enough time to type everything as I think of things. I'll get around to it though. This morning, I emailed myself about crying in the car. I used to cry in the car a couple times per day. At least. But I haven't in a while until this morning. I saw a man walking with his two kids. His daughter was in a stroller; she looked almost one year old. His son was on a balance bike and looked about 2.5 years old. I thought, "What if MSTBE had offered to do things like this when my son was younger? Maybe we wouldn't have gotten here." But literally the instant that a thought like that crosses my mind, I remember all of the major personality traits that were the actual reason for my decision to divorce. The stress and responsibility of adding a baby to our life just highlighted the problems that had been there all along."
"I email myself ideas for posts on my blog pretty regularly because I don't have enough time to type everything as I think of things. I'll get around to it though. This morning, I emailed myself about crying in the car. I used to cry in the car a couple times per day. At least. But I haven't in a while until this morning. I saw a man walking with his two kids. His daughter was in a stroller; she looked almost one year old. His son was on a balance bike and looked about 2.5 years old. I thought, "What if MSTBE had offered to do things like this when my son was younger? Maybe we wouldn't have gotten here." But literally the instant that a thought like that crosses my mind, I remember all of the major personality traits that were the actual reason for my decision to divorce. The stress and responsibility of adding a baby to our life just highlighted the problems that had been there all along."
Friday, June 20, 2014
June 20, 2014 ~ TMI?
I need some honest feedback. After my post yesterday, "Why Does He Have to Lie?", I've been questioning whether I revealed too much information about what happened between MSTBE and myself. Let me be clear, I'm not questioning it because I'm uncomfortable with it. I'm pretty much an open book and have no problem sharing about the growing that I've done throughout the decline of my marriage. I have no problem revealing the ugly properties of my personality. In fact, I think that it is helping me to learn and grow even more. However I wonder if it makes you, my readers, uncomfortable to know that much information about my personality flaws and the things that caused my marriage to fail. I'm writing about it because I hope that people can relate to it and relate to me better. So please, leave me a comment and let me know what you think. I'm completely open to constructive criticism and would love honest feedback. Thank you!
Thursday, June 19, 2014
June 19, 2014 ~ Why Does He Have To Lie?
I know the answer to that question. Don't worry, this post isn't going to be a blame-game post. But before I share the answer, let me tell you what made me want to write this. I previously wrote about MSTBE sending me a text this morning stating that his best friend was in town for work. We all went out for dinner. Here's my train of thought at one point in the evening.
I'm taking the kids to the beach tomorrow.
I wonder if Best Friend is doing anything.
Wait, is he here on work?
I'd like to invite him to the beach if he's not.
So I asked him if he was working while he was here and he said no. He said he would've loved going to the beach with us but didn't have a car and had already planned on riding a bike to the gym.
Why did MSTBE feel the need to lie to me about why his best friend was in town? Lying was a major issue in our relationship and, after a lot of counseling, I realized that it wasn't just MSTBE's fault. This is actually an example of one of the major personality issues that drove a wedge between us.
MSTBE has a history of being overly criticized. He doesn't like to feel like he's doing anything wrong. In fact, he can't tolerate the feeling.
I am probably on the critical side of the spectrum (although I like to believe that I've learned a lot in the past few years and am now not too far from average).
Here's the clash: MSTBE tells me something; I criticize; he learns that instead, he should lie and not have to deal with the criticism. (This pattern had actually already been established very early on in his life and my criticism caused the pattern to transfer to our relationship.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking the blame for him lying. I hate lying and don't think that anybody should do it. I think that MSTBE should man up and deal with the consequences of his actions. But I also know that I could woman up and handle things a bit differently.
Even after a ton of marriage and individual counseling, I realized that neither of us was changing the way we were. MSTBE wasn't willing to do the hard work required to analyze that other relationship and see that I, in fact, am not that other person and my criticism was nowhere near the same severity of that person's. I wasn't becoming a sweet, soft person anytime soon. This was one of the issues that made me realize that we simply could not make our marriage work.
I'm actually glad that it came up again today. I guess I'm kind of saying that I'm glad that he lied to me, although that's just crazy. Initially, I was incredibly frustrated about the lying. Then I thought about writing this post and asking the question above. And then I remembered the answer to the question. I'm still angry that I was lied to but this post and the thoughts that have lead up to it have made me feel so much better.
I don't know why he lied. Was it to cover up the fact that his friend came out because he was worried about him? That's very likely. Was it because he thought that I would think negatively about his friend coming out for any reason other than work? Who knows. It doesn't matter and I don't care anymore.
I'm taking the kids to the beach tomorrow.
I wonder if Best Friend is doing anything.
Wait, is he here on work?
I'd like to invite him to the beach if he's not.
So I asked him if he was working while he was here and he said no. He said he would've loved going to the beach with us but didn't have a car and had already planned on riding a bike to the gym.
Why did MSTBE feel the need to lie to me about why his best friend was in town? Lying was a major issue in our relationship and, after a lot of counseling, I realized that it wasn't just MSTBE's fault. This is actually an example of one of the major personality issues that drove a wedge between us.
MSTBE has a history of being overly criticized. He doesn't like to feel like he's doing anything wrong. In fact, he can't tolerate the feeling.
I am probably on the critical side of the spectrum (although I like to believe that I've learned a lot in the past few years and am now not too far from average).
Here's the clash: MSTBE tells me something; I criticize; he learns that instead, he should lie and not have to deal with the criticism. (This pattern had actually already been established very early on in his life and my criticism caused the pattern to transfer to our relationship.)
Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking the blame for him lying. I hate lying and don't think that anybody should do it. I think that MSTBE should man up and deal with the consequences of his actions. But I also know that I could woman up and handle things a bit differently.
Even after a ton of marriage and individual counseling, I realized that neither of us was changing the way we were. MSTBE wasn't willing to do the hard work required to analyze that other relationship and see that I, in fact, am not that other person and my criticism was nowhere near the same severity of that person's. I wasn't becoming a sweet, soft person anytime soon. This was one of the issues that made me realize that we simply could not make our marriage work.
I'm actually glad that it came up again today. I guess I'm kind of saying that I'm glad that he lied to me, although that's just crazy. Initially, I was incredibly frustrated about the lying. Then I thought about writing this post and asking the question above. And then I remembered the answer to the question. I'm still angry that I was lied to but this post and the thoughts that have lead up to it have made me feel so much better.
I don't know why he lied. Was it to cover up the fact that his friend came out because he was worried about him? That's very likely. Was it because he thought that I would think negatively about his friend coming out for any reason other than work? Who knows. It doesn't matter and I don't care anymore.
June 19, 2014 ~ Sometimes I Feel Like We're Doing This Right (If There is Such a Thing)
Forenote (I just made up a word): I will refer to my soon to be ex as "MSTBE" (to be pronounced must-be), based on the recommendation of a friend and reader. Get it? My Soon To Be Ex. Let me know what you think. Of course, I'll have to think of something else in September when the divorce is final but that seems a long way off right now.
Anyway, today is one of those days that I feel like we're really doing this divorce thing the right way. Let me back up a bit though because I'm sure most of you don't have our current custody schedule memorized. I'll refresh your memory or fill you in just in case you haven't read the previous post in which I wrote about it. Wait, of course you've read all of my posts. They are so enthralling that once you read one, you just can't help but read all of the rest. Ok, enough with the sass.
Currently, the kids are staying at my house every night. I'm lucky enough to have found a house that my Mom and I could both move into and it's fantastic. There are two master bedrooms and there is plenty of space for everyone! Because I have help, it just makes sense that they are with me when they are as little as they are (currently my son is 3 years old and my daughter is 14 months). MSTBE picks them up from daycare on Mondays and Wednesdays, takes them to the park, comes to my house for their dinnertime, and helps with bath and bedtime. On Tuesdays and Thursdays he comes over around dinnertime and helps with bath and bedtime. And one weekend morning per week he picks them up, takes them to the park, drops my daughter off for her nap, and takes my son to his house to play, have lunch, and take a nap. My son is back before dinnertime. Eventually, when he's ready, my son will spend a weekend night there. And then we will add a weekday sleep over and eventually a third. At some point my daughter will start spending three nights per week there but I think that is a long time away.
Now that you have some background, let me tell you about today. MSTBE sent me a text in the morning saying that his best friend is in town and he would like to bring him over to see the kids when he comes (it's a Thursday, just in case you don't read this right away, although you'd be crazy not to). He told me that his best friend was in town for work, which I later found out was a lie, but I'll write about that some other time. I was excited to see his best friend because I actually really like him but I didn't want to infringe on my Mom because she cooks dinner on Thursdays (I won't bore you with our dinner schedule) and I knew it would be awkward to have MSTBE and his best friend sit around watching us eat but there wasn't enough advanced notice to buy more food so that everyone could eat together. I suggested that we take the kids out for burgers and fries instead. MSTBE was cool with that.
Sitting at Five Guys, interacting in a positive manner with MSTBE, catching up with his best friend, and talking to his best friend about different things that are going on made me feel really great. I don't have to still love MSTBE nor do I have to want to be around him very often. But for the sake of my kids, I need to be able to show that I care about him and what's going on in his life.
We went home and I needed to change my son's diaper but it was only about 30 minutes until bathtime so I just let him run around in the buff. All of a sudden he said, "I have to go poop!" I suggested that we go on the potty and this time he actually took me up on it. As I was lifting him onto the potty, he asked for a diaper but quickly changed his mind, sat on the potty, and went poop!!! Now, you're probably wondering how this relates to my story of the day at all. Here's the answer. I legitimately wanted to share the news with MSTBE. I sent him a text right away. (I knew he was playing softball so I didn't bother calling.) Shortly afterward, my son went poop on the potty AGAIN! And I sent MSTBE another text. And to really drive home the excitement that I wanted my son to feel, I had him call MSTBE as we were laying down for bed to share the news and actually hear his Dad's reaction.
I don't know if this seems as amazing to you as it does to me. We didn't have the worst split that I've ever heard of but it definitely wasn't easy by any means. So to get to the point where we are now is pretty amazing to me. If you think I'm lame, seriously, let me know. I don't want to write about things that people don't find interesting.
Wednesday, June 18, 2014
June 18, 2014 ~ Going to the Dentist is Unexpectedly Awkward
And so is the pediatrician's office.
I go to a small, family owned dentist. I love them! Every employee knows every patients name from the first time they have an appointment with them. The dentist remembers who you are, what you do for work, how many kids you have, etc. And because it's a small office, there are only a few techs, which means me and my soon to be ex husband have the same tech.
Today I went in for a couple of fillings. I swear, it seems that as I get older my teeth get weaker. I guess I have to get used to things like this, right? Anyway I'm sitting in the chair waiting with the tech and he asks me how my husband felt about the hockey outcome. Now that I'm no longer living with a sports fanatic, I don't even know who was playing in the Stanley Cup. (Hey, at least I know that it's called the Stanley Cup and that it happened very recently.) I don't remember exactly what I said but I do remember that it sounded like total BS.
Here's the thing: nobody in the office knows that we're going through a divorce. How do you tell people whom you only see twice a year that you're getting a divorce? I haven't even told most people at work, whom I see several times per day. It's just not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation. "Yeah, my Algebra students are killing me this year with their laziness. By the way, I'm getting a divorce." Or "I'm so glad that my teeth are in better shape because I've been flossing more. Did I mention that I'm in the middle of a divorce and that the address change that I had you record is no longer my soon to be ex husband's address?" And just in case you're wondering, I am flossing more. And I highly recommend flossing. It has made such a difference in the condition of my teeth and gums and it is also very important for heart health.
But I digress. The same thing happens at the pediatrician's office. Every time that we've gone in for the past nine months or so, the pediatrician has commented that "Dad" wasn't there and that he used to come to all of the appointments. First, let me be clear. He came to every one of my son's appointments for about the first nine months but he hasn't been to more than one or two since then. My son is three. I'm not bashing him; I don't think that it's important that both parents go. I'm just saying that the doctor has a selective memory. So what do I say? "Um, yeah, about that. We're getting a divorce."
Here's what I'm thinking. Once the divorce is final in August, the mister is going to have to switch to his company's health and dental insurance; he's been using mine since we got married because its much more affordable. When that switch happens, the dentist's office will know about it and that we are living in different residences. And when the divorce is final, I am changing my name back to my maiden name. So both offices will know about my name change. And hopefully that will be that. (The decision whether or not to change my name back was a difficult one and I'll post more on that another time because it's such a huge, important part of the divorce process for every woman.)
And now I will go off on a tangent. I don't know what to call my soon to be ex husband. I don't want to call him "my soon to be ex husband" every time I type something about him. I was playing around with calling him He or Him in previous posts and it just felt odd. In one post I referred to him as "my new roommate" when I was writing about having just moved in together and that sounded terrible also. Although we did end up living like roommates for quite some time. Referring to him as "the mister" as I did above is obnoxious. I don't want to use his initials and I'm certainly not going to refer to him by name. Does anybody have any suggestions? Seriously, please leave a comment if you do.
If you can't tell, I'm feeling in quite the sassy mood today. Happy Hump Day!
I go to a small, family owned dentist. I love them! Every employee knows every patients name from the first time they have an appointment with them. The dentist remembers who you are, what you do for work, how many kids you have, etc. And because it's a small office, there are only a few techs, which means me and my soon to be ex husband have the same tech.
Today I went in for a couple of fillings. I swear, it seems that as I get older my teeth get weaker. I guess I have to get used to things like this, right? Anyway I'm sitting in the chair waiting with the tech and he asks me how my husband felt about the hockey outcome. Now that I'm no longer living with a sports fanatic, I don't even know who was playing in the Stanley Cup. (Hey, at least I know that it's called the Stanley Cup and that it happened very recently.) I don't remember exactly what I said but I do remember that it sounded like total BS.
Here's the thing: nobody in the office knows that we're going through a divorce. How do you tell people whom you only see twice a year that you're getting a divorce? I haven't even told most people at work, whom I see several times per day. It's just not the easiest thing to bring up in conversation. "Yeah, my Algebra students are killing me this year with their laziness. By the way, I'm getting a divorce." Or "I'm so glad that my teeth are in better shape because I've been flossing more. Did I mention that I'm in the middle of a divorce and that the address change that I had you record is no longer my soon to be ex husband's address?" And just in case you're wondering, I am flossing more. And I highly recommend flossing. It has made such a difference in the condition of my teeth and gums and it is also very important for heart health.
But I digress. The same thing happens at the pediatrician's office. Every time that we've gone in for the past nine months or so, the pediatrician has commented that "Dad" wasn't there and that he used to come to all of the appointments. First, let me be clear. He came to every one of my son's appointments for about the first nine months but he hasn't been to more than one or two since then. My son is three. I'm not bashing him; I don't think that it's important that both parents go. I'm just saying that the doctor has a selective memory. So what do I say? "Um, yeah, about that. We're getting a divorce."
Here's what I'm thinking. Once the divorce is final in August, the mister is going to have to switch to his company's health and dental insurance; he's been using mine since we got married because its much more affordable. When that switch happens, the dentist's office will know about it and that we are living in different residences. And when the divorce is final, I am changing my name back to my maiden name. So both offices will know about my name change. And hopefully that will be that. (The decision whether or not to change my name back was a difficult one and I'll post more on that another time because it's such a huge, important part of the divorce process for every woman.)
And now I will go off on a tangent. I don't know what to call my soon to be ex husband. I don't want to call him "my soon to be ex husband" every time I type something about him. I was playing around with calling him He or Him in previous posts and it just felt odd. In one post I referred to him as "my new roommate" when I was writing about having just moved in together and that sounded terrible also. Although we did end up living like roommates for quite some time. Referring to him as "the mister" as I did above is obnoxious. I don't want to use his initials and I'm certainly not going to refer to him by name. Does anybody have any suggestions? Seriously, please leave a comment if you do.
If you can't tell, I'm feeling in quite the sassy mood today. Happy Hump Day!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
July 17 ~ It Still Makes Me Sad
I don't know what made me think of the early days the other night. I wish that I could remember the train of thought that led to it but it was 12:52 am and I was half asleep. It's funny how the mind works, isn't it?
Let me take you back to November 2007. We had wanted to buy a house. We had searched and searched so much that I felt sorry for our real estate agent. We couldn't find anything that we both liked so we decided to rent a small beach house for six months. We found a cute cottage in Huntington Beach that was five blocks away from the ocean. It was adorable and had a great yard for barbecuing. What we didn't realize until we moved in was that the "master bedroom" wasn't in fact 10 feet by 10 feet, like we had been told by the owner, but instead it was 8 by 8. It may not sound like much of a difference until you do the math. My queen sized bed barely fit inside and one side of the bed had to be against the wall because of the door and window placement in the room. In other words, one of us had to climb over the other one to get in and out of bed. This was particularly challenging given that I woke up at least a couple times per night to go to the bathroom, which would mean it would make sense for me to be on the outside, but he went to bed and woke up later than me, which would mean it would make sense for him to be on the outside. When I woke up the morning after we had moved and tried to find clothes in the closet, which was basically a terribly designed, very narrow hallway between the two bedrooms, I started crying. I had moved from a 700 square foot condo. I'm not spoiled and I wasn't upset about the space. But the change and the inconvenience that were ahead of me were a bit overwhelming (and I'm sure I was tired, as well). That's when my new roommate looked me in the eye and said, "Let's go for a walk along the beach to Main Street and have breakfast so that we can remember why we moved here." He was supportive and brought me from a place of despair to a happy place.
Of course the thought of that day brought me back to another day not long after the closet breakdown. I had arrived home around 8 pm after a full day of teaching and tutoring after school. I may have even found some time to go for a run at some point. I hadn't planned ahead for dinner so I found some things in the refrigerator and pantry and was able to throw together a pretty tasty meal. "How do you find time to do it all?" At the time, those words made me happy but I had no idea how much I should have appreciated them. The appreciation of the busy nature of my day was the key.
Support and appreciation are the two things that have been lacking in my marriage for a long time. Wow, I have to pause for a moment here. Talking about it in the current tense seems weird but, technically, I am still married for a couple more months. The memory of these two scenarios was the main reason that I held on to my marriage for far too long. I thought, "If he could do it at some point, couldn't he get back to doing it again?" Sadly, the answer ended up being no. Support and appreciation were two of the things that I decided were dealbreakers for me. Of course, there was far more that went into my decision to get divorced.
When I thought about these two scenarios the other night, I still got sad. I still, for a split second, thought that maybe we could get back there. But, in a flash, everything else rushed through my head and I realized that no, we most certainly cannot. Once I came to the conclusion that divorce was best for everyone involved, I never questioned it. Well maybe I should say that my head has never questioned it. But it still makes me sad to think about those two scenarios.
Let me take you back to November 2007. We had wanted to buy a house. We had searched and searched so much that I felt sorry for our real estate agent. We couldn't find anything that we both liked so we decided to rent a small beach house for six months. We found a cute cottage in Huntington Beach that was five blocks away from the ocean. It was adorable and had a great yard for barbecuing. What we didn't realize until we moved in was that the "master bedroom" wasn't in fact 10 feet by 10 feet, like we had been told by the owner, but instead it was 8 by 8. It may not sound like much of a difference until you do the math. My queen sized bed barely fit inside and one side of the bed had to be against the wall because of the door and window placement in the room. In other words, one of us had to climb over the other one to get in and out of bed. This was particularly challenging given that I woke up at least a couple times per night to go to the bathroom, which would mean it would make sense for me to be on the outside, but he went to bed and woke up later than me, which would mean it would make sense for him to be on the outside. When I woke up the morning after we had moved and tried to find clothes in the closet, which was basically a terribly designed, very narrow hallway between the two bedrooms, I started crying. I had moved from a 700 square foot condo. I'm not spoiled and I wasn't upset about the space. But the change and the inconvenience that were ahead of me were a bit overwhelming (and I'm sure I was tired, as well). That's when my new roommate looked me in the eye and said, "Let's go for a walk along the beach to Main Street and have breakfast so that we can remember why we moved here." He was supportive and brought me from a place of despair to a happy place.
Of course the thought of that day brought me back to another day not long after the closet breakdown. I had arrived home around 8 pm after a full day of teaching and tutoring after school. I may have even found some time to go for a run at some point. I hadn't planned ahead for dinner so I found some things in the refrigerator and pantry and was able to throw together a pretty tasty meal. "How do you find time to do it all?" At the time, those words made me happy but I had no idea how much I should have appreciated them. The appreciation of the busy nature of my day was the key.
Support and appreciation are the two things that have been lacking in my marriage for a long time. Wow, I have to pause for a moment here. Talking about it in the current tense seems weird but, technically, I am still married for a couple more months. The memory of these two scenarios was the main reason that I held on to my marriage for far too long. I thought, "If he could do it at some point, couldn't he get back to doing it again?" Sadly, the answer ended up being no. Support and appreciation were two of the things that I decided were dealbreakers for me. Of course, there was far more that went into my decision to get divorced.
When I thought about these two scenarios the other night, I still got sad. I still, for a split second, thought that maybe we could get back there. But, in a flash, everything else rushed through my head and I realized that no, we most certainly cannot. Once I came to the conclusion that divorce was best for everyone involved, I never questioned it. Well maybe I should say that my head has never questioned it. But it still makes me sad to think about those two scenarios.
Sunday, June 15, 2014
April 3, 2014 ~ Sometimes I Want to Curl Up in a Ball and Cry
Today is one of those days. You know when you have ten balls in the air and you think you can't possibly handle anymore, and then someone throws a flaming bowling pin at you? That is my life right now. I've got insanity in many areas of work right now. And it's not even rational insanity. It's "Why is this happening?" insanity. I'm finally moving out of the house that I've shared with my husband for half of a year after we essentially called it quits (more on that later). Moving is stressful enough but adding the tension and strain of figuring out who is going to take what makes it pretty miserable. And there's the divorce.
I am laying on the floor next to my almost-one-year-old daughter's crib while she falls asleep and my Mom is giving my almost-three-year-old son a bath. Next I will go put my son to bed. But all that I want to do is stay in here and hide. I want to hide from life right now. I need a break. Just when I start thinking that maybe I can do everything, maybe it is possible, I have a day like today.
But I will pick myself up, dust myself off, dry my tears, and try to be the best person and mother that I can be. I will forge on. I know that there is a better time in my life coming. I sincerely believe that the universe likes balance. I have to believe that, otherwise I couldn't carry on. I have come to realize that the times when I feel the most weak are the times that people are looking at me, amazed at how strong I am.
Note: I wrote this in April but didn't post it until June because I wanted to post other things first and didn't have time to get to them. Now, in June, I'm in a much better place, having finally moved into a new house with the stress that was going on at work behind me.
I am laying on the floor next to my almost-one-year-old daughter's crib while she falls asleep and my Mom is giving my almost-three-year-old son a bath. Next I will go put my son to bed. But all that I want to do is stay in here and hide. I want to hide from life right now. I need a break. Just when I start thinking that maybe I can do everything, maybe it is possible, I have a day like today.
But I will pick myself up, dust myself off, dry my tears, and try to be the best person and mother that I can be. I will forge on. I know that there is a better time in my life coming. I sincerely believe that the universe likes balance. I have to believe that, otherwise I couldn't carry on. I have come to realize that the times when I feel the most weak are the times that people are looking at me, amazed at how strong I am.
Note: I wrote this in April but didn't post it until June because I wanted to post other things first and didn't have time to get to them. Now, in June, I'm in a much better place, having finally moved into a new house with the stress that was going on at work behind me.
Saturday, June 14, 2014
June 14, 2014 ~ Father's Day Text; Being the Bigger Person
I pride myself on being the bigger person. It is incredibly difficult to do but I try to do it always. Throughout the many discussions that we've had while filing for divorce, He and I have had many arguments as well as many times that things have been easy. I've tried and am still trying to be the bigger person.
So today, on Father's Day Eve, I decided to be the bigger person and send Him the following text, despite getting no sentiment of appreciation on Mother's Day:
"Thank you for being a Dad that cares and goes out of his way for his kids. I know that it will benefit them and that means a lot to me. Happy Father's Day!"
I have had some moments of weakness where I name called or made a low blow. I have had times where I allowed anger, whether it be his or mine, to drag me into the dirt. But overall I can honestly say that I've been fair and nice. Or at least cordial. I've seen it pay off, too. Being the bigger person has really paid off. I have learned so many lessons in the last few years as I've seen my marriage crumble and this is probably one of the best!
Edit ~ June 15, 2014
I've been thinking about this post and hope that it doesn't make me seem "holier than thou". I really don't feel that way and I don't want anybody who reads any of my posts to ever feel that way. The intention of this post was to point out that it is incredibly difficult to be the bigger person and requires a ton of self-restraint. And there are times when it's impossible to always be the bigger person. But it is so gratifying when you can look back and know that you were. And sometimes the other person realizes that they've been "bad" and does something nice to make up for it.
So today, on Father's Day Eve, I decided to be the bigger person and send Him the following text, despite getting no sentiment of appreciation on Mother's Day:
"Thank you for being a Dad that cares and goes out of his way for his kids. I know that it will benefit them and that means a lot to me. Happy Father's Day!"
I have had some moments of weakness where I name called or made a low blow. I have had times where I allowed anger, whether it be his or mine, to drag me into the dirt. But overall I can honestly say that I've been fair and nice. Or at least cordial. I've seen it pay off, too. Being the bigger person has really paid off. I have learned so many lessons in the last few years as I've seen my marriage crumble and this is probably one of the best!
Edit ~ June 15, 2014
I've been thinking about this post and hope that it doesn't make me seem "holier than thou". I really don't feel that way and I don't want anybody who reads any of my posts to ever feel that way. The intention of this post was to point out that it is incredibly difficult to be the bigger person and requires a ton of self-restraint. And there are times when it's impossible to always be the bigger person. But it is so gratifying when you can look back and know that you were. And sometimes the other person realizes that they've been "bad" and does something nice to make up for it.
Friday, June 13, 2014
June 1, 2014 ~ Until You've Walked in Someone's Shoes...
Don't judge divorcees. Just don't. I've read so many facebook posts that claim that people who stay in marriages are somehow better than people who get a divorce because they didn't give up or they chose to stick through it or whatever else.
Let me be the first to tell you: there was no giving up! There was a lot of trying and working and crying and counseling and hoping and holding on and arguing and heartache and more crying and hoping and even more counseling. But there was no giving up. And trust me, I held on longer than I probably should have.
I can't speak for all people who have been through this because I'm sure that some people do take the easy road out. But my road has not been an easy one by any means and you have no right to judge me until you've walked in my shoes. Instead, why don't you consider yourself lucky. Maybe you're lucky because you knew a little bit more about marriage before you actually got married. Maybe you're lucky because you met a person who was more suited for you and you were able to see that more clearly. There are so many reasons that you could consider yourself lucky instead of judging someone who's gone through a divorce.
Nobody wants to get a divorce. Nobody wants to give up. Nobody gets married thinking, "Man, I really look forward to the day that we get a divorce and have to figure out how to divide all of our belongings and who gets to spend what time with our kids." It's an awful experience, the worst that I've been through in my life by far, and nobody has any right to judge me or any other divorcee. So please stop posting those judgmental things on facebook.
One of the most important things that I've learned as I've gotten older is that you really don't know what somebody is going through until you've walked in their shoes. My Dad once told a story about a man waiting for the subway with his three kids. His kids were out of control and the man just stood there, complacent. The onlookers were appalled, thinking "Why doesn't he do something about their behavior?" What they didn't know was that the man's wife had just passed away; the kids were acting out because they didn't understand what had happened and the man was complacent because he didn't know how he was going to go on with his life.
You never know what's going on in somebody's life, so don't judge.
Let me be the first to tell you: there was no giving up! There was a lot of trying and working and crying and counseling and hoping and holding on and arguing and heartache and more crying and hoping and even more counseling. But there was no giving up. And trust me, I held on longer than I probably should have.
I can't speak for all people who have been through this because I'm sure that some people do take the easy road out. But my road has not been an easy one by any means and you have no right to judge me until you've walked in my shoes. Instead, why don't you consider yourself lucky. Maybe you're lucky because you knew a little bit more about marriage before you actually got married. Maybe you're lucky because you met a person who was more suited for you and you were able to see that more clearly. There are so many reasons that you could consider yourself lucky instead of judging someone who's gone through a divorce.
Nobody wants to get a divorce. Nobody wants to give up. Nobody gets married thinking, "Man, I really look forward to the day that we get a divorce and have to figure out how to divide all of our belongings and who gets to spend what time with our kids." It's an awful experience, the worst that I've been through in my life by far, and nobody has any right to judge me or any other divorcee. So please stop posting those judgmental things on facebook.
One of the most important things that I've learned as I've gotten older is that you really don't know what somebody is going through until you've walked in their shoes. My Dad once told a story about a man waiting for the subway with his three kids. His kids were out of control and the man just stood there, complacent. The onlookers were appalled, thinking "Why doesn't he do something about their behavior?" What they didn't know was that the man's wife had just passed away; the kids were acting out because they didn't understand what had happened and the man was complacent because he didn't know how he was going to go on with his life.
You never know what's going on in somebody's life, so don't judge.
January 14, 2014 ~ How Did I Get Here?
I've been asking myself that question for a while now. But first, where's "here"? I'm going to be 36 years old in a couple of months. I have two beautiful children; a 2.5 year old boy who is the most loving person that I know and a 9 month old daughter who is a firecracker and just learned how to clap today. And I am getting divorced.
I married a man whom I was certain was the right person for me. Our marriage was incredibly easy for several years. And shortly after we had our first child, the cracks began to show. But I wasn't willing to see them. I was certain that we were just... right, that marriages are difficult at times and that we could work through anything. This is a man whom I told, at one point, that I would stick by him even if he cheated on me because I loved him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him.
When my son was a few months old (during the summer of 2011), my husband and I began to fight. The responsibility that I was taking on mostly by myself was getting to be too much. Before I knew it, we were becoming distant with each other and eventually we were at the point where I told him that I couldn't live that way anymore and insisted we see someone for help. But let me back up a minute. In retrospect, I can now see that the cracks in our marriage existed long before we had children. But everything was easier before we had children so the small cracks weren't that big a deal.
So back to the ultimatum, if you will, about seeing a counselor. I got a referral from a trusted friend and we began to see a marriage counselor. Things seemed to get better but looking back I realize that the entire time, I had this lingering feeling that we weren't getting to the root of our problems; that we were just putting a band aid on them. But because things seemed to be getting better, we decided to stick with our original plan of having two kids about two years apart in age. I got pregnant right away (during the summer of 2012) and we continued to see the counselor occasionally for a couple months. After a short while longer, it seemed like we weren't doing much during our counseling sessions so we stopped going. And of course, things got exponentially worse. And we let them be worse for quite a while.
Finally, four days after my daughter was born, my husband told me that he was done after a very minor fight. It was April 20, 2013; I will never forget that date. I was shocked and shattered and incredibly hormonal and exhausted. I was angry and couldn't understand how he could possibly be ready to give up. This all happened literally about an hour before he was headed to the airport to pick up his mother, which was not going to make anything any easier. To put it kindly, she is a pretty difficult person. But I don't want this blog to be about talking trash so I'm going to leave it at that. She stayed for a week, He didn't tell her anything, and it was the most incredibly awkward, insanely difficult week of my life. The night of the twentieth, as my beautiful baby girl was falling asleep, I cried and cried and cried and I apologized to her for bringing her into such an awful situation.
About a month later, he decided that he wanted to try a little harder. But he didn't want to try because he loved me so much and couldn't imagine his life without me; he wanted to keep trying because he didn't want to spend less time with his kids. Out of desperation, I agreed to see a different marriage counselor to see if we could somehow work things out.
This second marriage counselor got to the root of the issues between us immediately. She helped us realize that we are basically a Perfect Storm of bad attributes colliding. Initially I thought that we could both work on our past luggage and be a stronger couple in the end. In fact, all along I believed that we were going to get through it and look back on that time in our lives as something that bonded us together even more. But eventually I realized that he wasn't willing to do the personal work that would be necessary to make our marriage work. It was devastating and it took me such a long time to come to the conclusion that we had to call it quits. I held onto hope for such a ridiculously long time. But I'm glad that I did because I have never doubted my decision after making it. I know that I couldn't have worked harder or held on any longer than I did.
So that's what "here" means for me.
I married a man whom I was certain was the right person for me. Our marriage was incredibly easy for several years. And shortly after we had our first child, the cracks began to show. But I wasn't willing to see them. I was certain that we were just... right, that marriages are difficult at times and that we could work through anything. This is a man whom I told, at one point, that I would stick by him even if he cheated on me because I loved him so much and couldn't imagine my life without him.
When my son was a few months old (during the summer of 2011), my husband and I began to fight. The responsibility that I was taking on mostly by myself was getting to be too much. Before I knew it, we were becoming distant with each other and eventually we were at the point where I told him that I couldn't live that way anymore and insisted we see someone for help. But let me back up a minute. In retrospect, I can now see that the cracks in our marriage existed long before we had children. But everything was easier before we had children so the small cracks weren't that big a deal.
So back to the ultimatum, if you will, about seeing a counselor. I got a referral from a trusted friend and we began to see a marriage counselor. Things seemed to get better but looking back I realize that the entire time, I had this lingering feeling that we weren't getting to the root of our problems; that we were just putting a band aid on them. But because things seemed to be getting better, we decided to stick with our original plan of having two kids about two years apart in age. I got pregnant right away (during the summer of 2012) and we continued to see the counselor occasionally for a couple months. After a short while longer, it seemed like we weren't doing much during our counseling sessions so we stopped going. And of course, things got exponentially worse. And we let them be worse for quite a while.
Finally, four days after my daughter was born, my husband told me that he was done after a very minor fight. It was April 20, 2013; I will never forget that date. I was shocked and shattered and incredibly hormonal and exhausted. I was angry and couldn't understand how he could possibly be ready to give up. This all happened literally about an hour before he was headed to the airport to pick up his mother, which was not going to make anything any easier. To put it kindly, she is a pretty difficult person. But I don't want this blog to be about talking trash so I'm going to leave it at that. She stayed for a week, He didn't tell her anything, and it was the most incredibly awkward, insanely difficult week of my life. The night of the twentieth, as my beautiful baby girl was falling asleep, I cried and cried and cried and I apologized to her for bringing her into such an awful situation.
About a month later, he decided that he wanted to try a little harder. But he didn't want to try because he loved me so much and couldn't imagine his life without me; he wanted to keep trying because he didn't want to spend less time with his kids. Out of desperation, I agreed to see a different marriage counselor to see if we could somehow work things out.
This second marriage counselor got to the root of the issues between us immediately. She helped us realize that we are basically a Perfect Storm of bad attributes colliding. Initially I thought that we could both work on our past luggage and be a stronger couple in the end. In fact, all along I believed that we were going to get through it and look back on that time in our lives as something that bonded us together even more. But eventually I realized that he wasn't willing to do the personal work that would be necessary to make our marriage work. It was devastating and it took me such a long time to come to the conclusion that we had to call it quits. I held onto hope for such a ridiculously long time. But I'm glad that I did because I have never doubted my decision after making it. I know that I couldn't have worked harder or held on any longer than I did.
So that's what "here" means for me.
June 13, 2014 ~ I Hated Weekends
"You hated weekends?!?! What kind of crazy person were you?" That's what you're probably thinking. But read on and you will understand.
I hated weekends. And just today I realized that I am now looking forward to weekends. I lived with my soon to be ex-husband for about six months after we officially decided to call it quits because we couldn't get out of a lease and neither of us could afford to live in the house on our own. I can write more about that another time but that is why I dreaded weekends. For six months, I dreaded weekends. It was a paradox because I wanted the extra time spent with my kids that weekends offered but it also meant being around Him more, which usually meant petty arguments would ensue.
The funny thing (or not) is that now I spend a ton of time with him during the week. My babes are too young to be comfortable with having two houses so He and I decided that we would take things slowly on their behalf. So right now, our custody arrangement is that they spend the night at my house every night; he picks them up from daycare on Mondays and Wednesdays, takes them to the park, and sticks around for bath and bedtime; he comes over around dinnertime on Tuesdays and Thursdays and sticks around for bath and bedtime; and he takes them to the park one weekend morning. When Friday rolls around, I feel like I've got a good amount of freedom and alone time with my kids ahead of me and it makes me very happy!
Now that I'm typing this, I'm not sure why it seemed like it was worth a blog post but when I had the realization that I went from hating weekends to looking forward to them, it seemed like a pretty big deal. And I am happy about it!
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