I had a dream last night. It made me feel a way that I haven't felt in a long time.It gave me a sense of peace, serenity, and calm. I don't remember all of the details but I remember enough.
I was rushing and trying to get something done for the kids. I don't know what it was but I could tell that it was something special, like an over the top birthday party. It was getting close to party time (or whatever-time) and I felt stressed and like I was running out of time. Like things weren't going to be perfect, the way that I wanted them to be.
There was a man. He knew me. He knew my insane drive to do everything and to do it impeccably well. He GOT me. And not only that, but he knew how to help me come down from the stress of having a deadline and not feeling in control. He knew what to say. And then he gave me a kiss and a hug.
I'm definitely not looking for a man to fix my "problems" and I hope that's not what this dream sounds like. Hell, I'm not looking for a man at all right now. If I ever decide to give a relationship another chance, the thing that I will be looking for is someone who can truly get to know me and balance me out. And someone that I can do the same for. I don't know if that's truly out there but a girl can hold out hope.
Sunday, November 23, 2014
Sunday, November 9, 2014
November 9, 2014 ~ A Letter to MSTBE
MSTBE,
You are clearly very angry with me. The nasty, ranting texts and emails that you have been sending me for the past three days are evidence of that. The way that you have been ignoring my presence at pick up and drop off is also evidence.
Here's my question: what, exactly, are you mad at me for? Wait, I know what you're mad at me for. You're mad because I'm accepting child support, which is breaking you. You're angry because you can't afford to live in the apartment by the beach that you chose to move into when we went separate ways. You're angry because you think that the only place that you can afford to live is 45 minutes away from your kids and that you won't be able to see them as much anymore. And you're particularly angry with me because I was able to find a very large house to share with my Mom in April and I can provide a nice home and a loving family for our kids, which is not an option for you.
So here's a better question: what would you have me do differently? Would you have me take less support than what the law has deemed fit? Would you have me take no child support and try to monetarily provide for our kids on my own? Would you feel better if I was living on my own, struggling, in a small house, not able to provide this environment for our kids? Or would it be better if I didn't have family members nearby who love our kids and who our kids love dearly?
Should I remind you of the many fair, generous things that I've done since we moved into separate houses in April? Yes, I got more of the furniture and kids' belongings when we split but that was simply because you didn't have the space for it in your one bedroom apartment. But when our son began feeling comfortable spending some time at your house, I sent him with a set of toys to keep there. And when he began spending the night, I sent him with half of his clothes even though it meant that I would have to buy more for him to keep here. (I am responsible for the kids' daycare bag each day, which requires me to have twice as many outfits as MSTBE, not to mention the fact that I make all of the bottles, wash all of the dishes, pack all of the snacks, etc.) When we began to discuss the logistics of our daughter spending the night, trying to figure out how you were going to make that work in a one bedroom apartment, I offered to pay for half of a new crib for her since I got the crib that we purchased together. In fact, let me take it way back to the beginning of our divorce discussions. I agreed to allow you to pay child support as if you had the kids 25% of the time even though, in the beginning, you only had them about 5% of the time and now you have them about 20% of the time.
Despite me being incredibly fair and honest for the past seven months, you continue to blame me for your monetary woes. The last three days have been almost as bad as the week after we met with the mediator for the first time when you were told that you would have to pay support or the week before we parted ways when that became a reality.(I'm not going to go further into the fact that you thought you weren't going to have to pay support at all.)
But I will never share these feelings with you because I know that you won't care. Presenting logical arguments will only make you more angry and these thoughts won't change anything. I am writing this for myself. After my run this morning, as I was waiting for you to drop the kids off, I began to realize that I feel badly that you are so angry. That's just who I am; I don't like to see people hurt or struggling. But you know what, I am going to continue to remind myself every day, every hour if necessary, that I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't deserve to be treated the way that you are treating me. I wish that you were a happier person because I don't want your negativity rubbing off on our kids but there's nothing that I can do to help you be happier. Maybe someday things will change. In the meantime, I will continue to be the positive person that I am and I'm going to do my best to stop allowing you to make me physically sick with this behavior.
Signed,
Someone Who Doesn't Give a Damn Anymore
You are clearly very angry with me. The nasty, ranting texts and emails that you have been sending me for the past three days are evidence of that. The way that you have been ignoring my presence at pick up and drop off is also evidence.
Here's my question: what, exactly, are you mad at me for? Wait, I know what you're mad at me for. You're mad because I'm accepting child support, which is breaking you. You're angry because you can't afford to live in the apartment by the beach that you chose to move into when we went separate ways. You're angry because you think that the only place that you can afford to live is 45 minutes away from your kids and that you won't be able to see them as much anymore. And you're particularly angry with me because I was able to find a very large house to share with my Mom in April and I can provide a nice home and a loving family for our kids, which is not an option for you.
So here's a better question: what would you have me do differently? Would you have me take less support than what the law has deemed fit? Would you have me take no child support and try to monetarily provide for our kids on my own? Would you feel better if I was living on my own, struggling, in a small house, not able to provide this environment for our kids? Or would it be better if I didn't have family members nearby who love our kids and who our kids love dearly?
Should I remind you of the many fair, generous things that I've done since we moved into separate houses in April? Yes, I got more of the furniture and kids' belongings when we split but that was simply because you didn't have the space for it in your one bedroom apartment. But when our son began feeling comfortable spending some time at your house, I sent him with a set of toys to keep there. And when he began spending the night, I sent him with half of his clothes even though it meant that I would have to buy more for him to keep here. (I am responsible for the kids' daycare bag each day, which requires me to have twice as many outfits as MSTBE, not to mention the fact that I make all of the bottles, wash all of the dishes, pack all of the snacks, etc.) When we began to discuss the logistics of our daughter spending the night, trying to figure out how you were going to make that work in a one bedroom apartment, I offered to pay for half of a new crib for her since I got the crib that we purchased together. In fact, let me take it way back to the beginning of our divorce discussions. I agreed to allow you to pay child support as if you had the kids 25% of the time even though, in the beginning, you only had them about 5% of the time and now you have them about 20% of the time.
Despite me being incredibly fair and honest for the past seven months, you continue to blame me for your monetary woes. The last three days have been almost as bad as the week after we met with the mediator for the first time when you were told that you would have to pay support or the week before we parted ways when that became a reality.(I'm not going to go further into the fact that you thought you weren't going to have to pay support at all.)
But I will never share these feelings with you because I know that you won't care. Presenting logical arguments will only make you more angry and these thoughts won't change anything. I am writing this for myself. After my run this morning, as I was waiting for you to drop the kids off, I began to realize that I feel badly that you are so angry. That's just who I am; I don't like to see people hurt or struggling. But you know what, I am going to continue to remind myself every day, every hour if necessary, that I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't deserve to be treated the way that you are treating me. I wish that you were a happier person because I don't want your negativity rubbing off on our kids but there's nothing that I can do to help you be happier. Maybe someday things will change. In the meantime, I will continue to be the positive person that I am and I'm going to do my best to stop allowing you to make me physically sick with this behavior.
Signed,
Someone Who Doesn't Give a Damn Anymore
Thursday, November 6, 2014
November 6, 2014 ~ I Don't Think That I Should Be Blogging Right Now
I probably shouldn't be writing right now. I've been drinking. I'm wallowing in ass hole-ness with prosecco and white wine (and dark chocolate, and gorgonzola and pretzels, and mini ice cream drumsticks). MSTBE is in rare form lately, having issues with money, as usual. He gets pissed off any time something monetary comes up because God forbid he support his children to the extent of the law. (I rarely use alcohol as a coping mechanism so there's no need to worry about me.)
Here's the point: I find that when my emotions are most raw, I am the most honest with myself. I put on a brave front day to day; I act strong and just keep on keeping on. I "Just do it." I do the best that I can to be the most awesome Mom that I can be and that is my focus. Ask anyone who knows me: they will probably tell you that I'm in the top five strongest people that they know. But when my emotions are raw, I begin to break down. I'm not so strong. I wish that I didn't have to do this on my own. As I was typing this, I just began to imagine a life where I had a partner supporting me and the kids and the thought hurt so badly that I couldn't continue. I thought about having someone around to play with and love the kids while I'm making dinner and the tears began flowing. Can you imagine if I let myself dream even more? I wish that I had someone to rely on every day, for everything. I wish that I had someone who would take care of me instead of me taking care of them. I JUST WANT ONE DAY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES! I wonder, "When do I get to experience an easier life?"
I struggle with these feelings because I've always taken pride in being strong, in being able to do it all on my own and do it well. I don't like feeling like I NEED help. I know that I don't need help. I can do anything on my own and I can do it better than most people. No offense, but that's who I am (and I know that because I've been through tons of counseling that has confirmed it).
But you know what, damn it, I want some help. As awful as this sounds, I want to meet someone who can take care of me, emotionally AND financially. As often as I remind myself how lucky I am to have two amazing kids I wish that my life could be a little bit easier. I know that my life isn't awful. But I also know that I've always felt like I've struggled even just a little bit, whether it be monetarily, or the feeling of being in an awful relationship that you can't get out of (I'm sure I'll get into my college relationship at some point), or the struggle that comes with working on your masters while working full time, or being in an unhappy marriage, and so much more. I want a break from that. I want a time period in my life where I don't feel like I'm struggling for something. I just want a break. I want some help and I want some unconditional support and love.
Here's the point: I find that when my emotions are most raw, I am the most honest with myself. I put on a brave front day to day; I act strong and just keep on keeping on. I "Just do it." I do the best that I can to be the most awesome Mom that I can be and that is my focus. Ask anyone who knows me: they will probably tell you that I'm in the top five strongest people that they know. But when my emotions are raw, I begin to break down. I'm not so strong. I wish that I didn't have to do this on my own. As I was typing this, I just began to imagine a life where I had a partner supporting me and the kids and the thought hurt so badly that I couldn't continue. I thought about having someone around to play with and love the kids while I'm making dinner and the tears began flowing. Can you imagine if I let myself dream even more? I wish that I had someone to rely on every day, for everything. I wish that I had someone who would take care of me instead of me taking care of them. I JUST WANT ONE DAY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES! I wonder, "When do I get to experience an easier life?"
I struggle with these feelings because I've always taken pride in being strong, in being able to do it all on my own and do it well. I don't like feeling like I NEED help. I know that I don't need help. I can do anything on my own and I can do it better than most people. No offense, but that's who I am (and I know that because I've been through tons of counseling that has confirmed it).
But you know what, damn it, I want some help. As awful as this sounds, I want to meet someone who can take care of me, emotionally AND financially. As often as I remind myself how lucky I am to have two amazing kids I wish that my life could be a little bit easier. I know that my life isn't awful. But I also know that I've always felt like I've struggled even just a little bit, whether it be monetarily, or the feeling of being in an awful relationship that you can't get out of (I'm sure I'll get into my college relationship at some point), or the struggle that comes with working on your masters while working full time, or being in an unhappy marriage, and so much more. I want a break from that. I want a time period in my life where I don't feel like I'm struggling for something. I just want a break. I want some help and I want some unconditional support and love.
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