June 13, 2016 - I'm Struggling

I hope that this doesn't sound like a petty thing to be angry about. But I'm angry and I want to vent. I'm angry because I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. Because I have my kids five days a week. Thanks to my Mom, who takes them overnight one night per week, which I call my sanity night; without her help, I'd only have one night per week to myself.

But two nights per week is not enough to get everything done that needs to be done and I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. Here's the petty part: over the last year I've been able to lose about 25 pounds to get back down to my pre-children weight. And I stalled my weight loss on my way down to my pre-marriage weight when MSTBE decided to be a total jerk and endanger my children's safety resulting in me having no time to grocery shop, meal prep, and exercise. I was six pounds away from my goal. Six pounds!

Here's where I start to really admire truly single parents, parents who have their kids seven days a week every week. I don't know how they do it. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than I ever knew that I could love another human and I miss them when they're gone. But there's just not enough time in the day. If I don't have time to water my plants and go grocery shopping and get the laundry done in a timely fashion, then how in the hell do parents who have their kids seven days per week? It astonishes me and I give them props, to say the least.

Between April 2015 and February 2016, I had it made. My daughter, having just turned 2, started spending nights at MSTBE's house in April 2015 for the first time. (My son had been spending nights for about eight months.) I had THREE nights per week (including a weekend day and night) to get things done. I had time to clean, do groceries, do laundry, meal prep, and make delicious, healthy meals for myself and actually sit down to enjoy them three nights per week. I started yoga (my sanity) immediately after my baby girl started spending nights there and was doing it 3-4 times per week pretty quickly thereafter. In October, I joined a running group. I've mentioned them numerous times before because I love them and they are some of the most supportive women I know. The premise was this: women who run and also love beer. We meet at a brewery, run a few miles, and then enjoy a beer or two together. And because I was doing things for myself, had time to get chores done, and felt fulfilled, I became a happier person and a better mother. I was constantly thinking that I had the best of both worlds, that I had "me" time but also had enough time with my kids, and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.

And it dropped at the end of January 2016. (Check here for the info if you haven't read it already.) As I'm typing this, I keep thinking to myself, "First world problems..." or "Damn, there are so many other things to be worried about in the world right now." And I truly do worry about those bigger issues. I'm not the kind of person to be so wrapped up in my own personal issues that I don't know what's happening in the world around me. There are plenty of things happening in the world that truly sadden me and that take such greater priority over my not being able to lose my last six pounds of weight to reach my goal. But I'm sure that you all understand: there are times when you have to vent and it might be about something petty. And there's a bigger picture here. I'm angry that the person that signed up for this with me isn't fulfilling his part of the deal. We got into this parenting thing together, nobody was coerced into it, and I'm the one taking on the vast majority of the responsibility. There was no "oops," our kids were planned and dreamt of  before we had them. So I'm really angry and trying to find the positive side of this. Because positivity is like my religion.

Here's my attempt at optimism: there's no doubt that my kids are better off with me (and my Mom), even though I'm not quite the amazing Mom that I was when I had enough time to feel "myself.". (Maybe I'm exaggerating how amazing a was, just a smidge.) And I am lucky to have the extra time with them as they grow. There are fewer things that I'm missing out on and they are becoming better people because they are around positive, loving people who care for them and look out for their needs. These are the thoughts that get me through the anger and help me calm down enough to realize that I'll reach my goal sooner or later; they allow me to remember that things continually get easier as my kids grow older and, soon enough, I'll wish that I had more time with my kids.

And on that note, I bid you goodnight. (Ok that was weird, but it seemed oddly appropriate.)

June 11, 2016 - Coffee Was No Bueno

I just had a little bit of a meltdown. My kids are in the bath. I'm listening to music. Coldplay's "Yellow" came on. Most Coldplay songs make me feel and reflect a little more than usual. This afternoon was the first time that I've had time to just sit and "be" in a really long time and it was the first time that I've actually stopped (aside from sleeping) and wasn't rushing, since I had coffee with MSTBE on Thursday. (See this post for details of what I thought might happen at said coffee meeting.) I had a mini meltdown because it was the first time that it really sunk in that this arrangement with MSTBE and my kids, where they only see him one night per week, isn't a temporary situation. And immediately following that realization, it became clear that my kids aren't

going to have their Dad in their lives much at all. And even though I don't think fondly of him or think that he's a really stellar Dad, it made me sad.

To say that coffee went nothing like I expected is possibly the understatement of the century. I'll spare you the play by play and just give you the important information. I didn't get screamed at or humiliated. That's the good news. It's the only good news. MSTBE had no interest in doing anything to make me feel that my kids are safe at his house. I know that I haven't revealed specifics about the safety issue that caused him to lose most of his time with them but you'll have to trust me that it was pretty serious. I need to cover myself and be sure that I don't slander or write anything that might eventually be used against me in court. I know him well enough to feel confident that I'm being overly cautious here, that he probably won't take any initiative to do anything to see the kids more, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

And that leads me back to coffee. Not only did he not want to do an online safety course for parents, he basically had no interest in seeing the kids any more than he already does because it would require him to drive more often. There's that lack of initiative and interest.

A little background: when we met, we lived about 40 miles apart; when we got engaged, we moved to 

a city that was close to halfway between our jobs but I eventually found a job much closer to home; and I still live in this city (farther from friends and family than I'd like but I'm not going to get into that now) but he moved about 20 miles away, closer to his job.

Back to coffee, once again. He suggested that on the two days a week that I was suggesting that he have the kids, I meet him halfway for pick up and drop off. I was flabbergasted. So not only am I solely responsible for them five days a week, but you want me to pick them up from school in the afternoon and meet you halfway so that they could spend the night with you??? And meet you halfway in the morning before work and school the next day to drop them off?!?! I was so caught off guard by this suggestion that I had nothing better to say than, "That's just not how it works."

To sum it up, he declined my offer to see the kids more than once a week because it's too much driving and too stressful dropping them off at two different places for preschool and daycare. I'm still caught off guard by this fact, it still hasn't sunk in that nothing is going to change for a very long time, if ever.

I don't know what it is that causes me to think for brief periods of time that maybe he'll change. I don't know why I continue to reach out to him. Actually I do: it's my kids. My son has been asking to spend more time with his Dad so I tried to make it happen for him. But when all is said and done, I believe that my kids are better off with me and my Mom (who gives me a little sanity by taking them one night per week and saves me money by watching them during the day the two days surrounding that night).

Needless to say, I won't be reaching out to him again.

June 8, 2016 - Feeling a Bit Anxious

I've reached my limit. And so have my kids. I call mercy or I tap out or whichever phrase you prefer. I can't handle the amount of parenting that I've been doing on my own. This revelation is making me feel a bit weak, which is not a feeling that I'm comfortable with, but I've accepted it for what it is. And I need to do what's best for my kids, who miss their Dad. My ego and the way that I feel about giving myself that label are so much less important than what's best for my kids.

I asked MSTBE to meet me for coffee tomorrow morning to discuss him seeing them more. And I'm anxious. Actually, I'm borderline terrified. In the past we've discussed these things via text or email and nine times out of ten, there is a miscommunication and things got ugly. I asked him to coffee despite not having any desire to sit across from him because I figure there's less chance of miscommunication and things getting ugly if we're face to face in public. But that's not saying much. There's a fifty-fifty chance that I will be absolutely humiliated at Starbucks. It's about as likely that he'll misinterpret something that I say and blow up at me as it is that we'll take a step toward a resolution.

Here's my plan: I'm going to start by telling him that I want the kids to see him more because it's what they want and will make them happy. I will tell him that I have two concerns: their safety, which seems to have become less of an issue (I still don't trust him not to do something stupid but I'm not going to tell him that), and the amount of sleep that they get there. I actually have quite a few more concerns, like the amount of sugar that they eat when they're there and the amount of TV that they watch and the cussing that they pick up from him and the chaos that is my life when they come home from his house because they have no rules there and get whatever they want if they shed a tear. But I'm not going to bother with those things.

Back to my plan. I'm going to ask him what he's willing to do to ease my mind about those things. An online parenting course seems like the best bet because he can show me proof that he's done it. It was actually written into our divorce decree but I never held him to it. I'm open to other ideas though. I will then give him a calendar showing him the kids' schedule in the summer and once school starts in the Fall. I'll offer to brainstorm which day would be best for him to have them, taking into account school pick up and drop off and driving from his apartment 15 miles away. Or, if he prefers, he can take the schedule information and get back to me. I have a feeling he'll choose the former because he has a difficult time making decisions. (That's not intended as a bash, just set a fact.)

Hopefully we will part ways after having had a civil conversation and we will both feel like we've taken a step forward. I'm going to focus on this scenario for the rest of the night, putting positive thoughts into the universe, and know that if this is not the way that it plays out, I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.