I've reached my limit. And so have my kids. I call mercy or I tap out or whichever phrase you prefer. I can't handle the amount of parenting that I've been doing on my own. This revelation is making me feel a bit weak, which is not a feeling that I'm comfortable with, but I've accepted it for what it is. And I need to do what's best for my kids, who miss their Dad. My ego and the way that I feel about giving myself that label are so much less important than what's best for my kids.
I asked MSTBE to meet me for coffee tomorrow morning to discuss him seeing them more. And I'm anxious. Actually, I'm borderline terrified. In the past we've discussed these things via text or email and nine times out of ten, there is a miscommunication and things got ugly. I asked him to coffee despite not having any desire to sit across from him because I figure there's less chance of miscommunication and things getting ugly if we're face to face in public. But that's not saying much. There's a fifty-fifty chance that I will be absolutely humiliated at Starbucks. It's about as likely that he'll misinterpret something that I say and blow up at me as it is that we'll take a step toward a resolution.
Here's my plan: I'm going to start by telling him that I want the kids to see him more because it's what they want and will make them happy. I will tell him that I have two concerns: their safety, which seems to have become less of an issue (I still don't trust him not to do something stupid but I'm not going to tell him that), and the amount of sleep that they get there. I actually have quite a few more concerns, like the amount of sugar that they eat when they're there and the amount of TV that they watch and the cussing that they pick up from him and the chaos that is my life when they come home from his house because they have no rules there and get whatever they want if they shed a tear. But I'm not going to bother with those things.
Back to my plan. I'm going to ask him what he's willing to do to ease my mind about those things. An online parenting course seems like the best bet because he can show me proof that he's done it. It was actually written into our divorce decree but I never held him to it. I'm open to other ideas though. I will then give him a calendar showing him the kids' schedule in the summer and once school starts in the Fall. I'll offer to brainstorm which day would be best for him to have them, taking into account school pick up and drop off and driving from his apartment 15 miles away. Or, if he prefers, he can take the schedule information and get back to me. I have a feeling he'll choose the former because he has a difficult time making decisions. (That's not intended as a bash, just set a fact.)
Hopefully we will part ways after having had a civil conversation and we will both feel like we've taken a step forward. I'm going to focus on this scenario for the rest of the night, putting positive thoughts into the universe, and know that if this is not the way that it plays out, I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.
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