Side note number 1: I got a new laptop so I will be blogging a lot more!!!
Side note number 2 (this one will be a bit longer): What a difference a few days makes. Yesterday I texted my hot yoga guy to see if he can do weekly yoga sessions. I'm getting a raise and decided that I want to put some of the extra money towards my health. I did seriously question whether I'd feel silly a year from now when this infatuation wears off for spending more money on yoga, wondering if I'm spending money for the yoga or for the male attention. But I came to the conclusion that it's mostly the yoga. Since I began working with him privately, I've become markedly stronger and I'm seeing major changes in my body. When I texted him, I told him that I completely understand if he doesn't have time because he's teaching classes twice a week and takes instructor classes regularly. And, to no surprise, he said that he doesn't have time. I texted a girlfriend this morning saying that it was the final nail in the coffin of hope that he had some interest in me beyond yoga, that maybe he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. But weirdly, I wasn't upset, and so I knew that the feelings I'd been having were not serious feelings. This morning when he came over for yoga, I felt totally different and it was so much nicer. I felt relaxed. I wasn't wondering what he was thinking the entire time. It was really nice! I must admit, I did have a moment of weakness when he was helping me get into a pose and I was pressing my foot into his six pack abs. But it was momentary.
And now I'll get to the point of this post.
There is an insane dichotomy or even trichotomy (did I just make up a word) of what I think that I want in a man. And it's based in the fact that there are so many aspects of my personality that are so completely different.
There's the side of me who buys organic and doesn't like to have any plastic in the house and diffuses essential oils and eats clean and does yoga.
Then there's the side of me who likes to wear skirts and dresses and high heels and go to fancy dinners and have nice things and feel like a girly girl.
And there's the side of me who likes to lounge around in casual clothes and not do my make up or wash my hair all weekend and eat cheeseburgers and fries and drink beer and Jameson on the rocks and hang with the guys.
There's another side of me who knows that I need a man who is stronger than me, a man who can let me have the reigns (or at least feel that way) the majority of the time but can take the reigns from me, with force, when necessary.
I guess that's even more than a trichotomy. It's very strange to me that all of these different sides of my personality manage to coexist. And it baffles me to think that there might be another human out there that would be compatible with all of these different aspects of my personality. But I guess that the good news is that I'm much more aware of my own personality than I was ten years ago when I met MSTBE. (Wow, I just realized that it really has been almost ten years. That's a strange thought.)
I think that not knowing ourselves is what got MSTBE and myself into a relationship that couldn't possibly have worked. We didn't know ourselves and definitely didn't know what we each needed in a partner. And so I move forward on this journey that is my life, learning about myself, learning to be a better Mom and friend, and possibly eventually learning to be a better partner to someone.
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