Last weekend I got some unexpected attention from a man. Let's call him Bar Guy to keep it simple. I was invited out with a large group to an all day event but only knew four of the people in the group. I had no expectation of the day except that I wanted to have fun. I did notice that one of the guys in the group, Bar Guy, was paying particular attention to me but I didn't think anything of it; I just thought he was a nice guy. This is actually funny because in the past year or so, on two separate occasions, I have mistook behavior of two nice guys as flirtation only to be disappointed to find out that they had girlfriends (see this blog post about my yoga instructor, as embarrassing as it is).
This attention and flirtation and short lived connection that I had with Bar Guy took me off guard. I had no clue that it was coming; the idea that I'd be flirted with that day wasn't even on my radar. And even as I've toyed with the idea of dating I didn't have any clue how good it would feel to have focused male attention. I felt attractive and cared for. I felt flirtatious and funny. I felt so many things that I haven't felt in a whole lot of years. It reminded me of times when I've felt the security of having a man there with me. The independent and strong woman inside of me is screaming as I type that but it's completely true. Even the inner feminist in me will admit that there's a sense of security that comes with having a man around and I just don't feel it when I'm on my own. The experience that I had last weekend made me long for more of the same.
I doubt that I will be seeing Bar Guy again because I don't think he had any idea what he was getting himself into when he took an interest in me - I'm 10 years older than him, divorced, and with two young kids. This is the curse of my life right now, looking a fair amount younger than I am. Young guys take an interest in me but the older guys that would be more appropriate think that I'm too young. I have no hurt feelings about his hesitation to pursue anything further. I feel like an old lady for saying this but he's a young guy and he's got a lot of living left to do. He doesn't need to be tied down to someone who is stuck at home with two kids five nights a week. That statement might sound really negative or like I resent my life but I don't. I've already lived the part of my life that he's in, going out to bars whenever I wanted, sleeping as late as I wanted, traveling, and so much more. He and I are in completely different chapters in our lives and I think that we're both very happy with where we're at.
I still can't imagine myself dating. As expressed previously in this blog post, which I feel shows an earlier stage of my evolution from hurt-freshly-divorced-woman-who-thinks-she'll-never-date-again to where I'm at now, I still have no desire to spend any amount of my free time sitting across from a stranger having awkward conversation. I'd still much rather spend that free time doing yoga, having a beer with girlfriends, or decompressing. But something is changing in me, slowly but surely, and sooner or later I'll end up on a date. That thought doesn't scare me anymore. I got a brief reminder of what it felt like to have a connection with a man and now I long for it.
Saturday, July 9, 2016
Monday, June 13, 2016
June 13, 2016 - I'm Struggling
I hope that this doesn't sound like a petty thing to be angry about. But I'm angry and I want to vent. I'm angry because I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. Because I have my kids five days a week. Thanks to my Mom, who takes them overnight one night per week, which I call my sanity night; without her help, I'd only have one night per week to myself.
But two nights per week is not enough to get everything done that needs to be done and I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. Here's the petty part: over the last year I've been able to lose about 25 pounds to get back down to my pre-children weight. And I stalled my weight loss on my way down to my pre-marriage weight when MSTBE decided to be a total jerk and endanger my children's safety resulting in me having no time to grocery shop, meal prep, and exercise. I was six pounds away from my goal. Six pounds!
Here's where I start to really admire truly single parents, parents who have their kids seven days a week every week. I don't know how they do it. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than I ever knew that I could love another human and I miss them when they're gone. But there's just not enough time in the day. If I don't have time to water my plants and go grocery shopping and get the laundry done in a timely fashion, then how in the hell do parents who have their kids seven days per week? It astonishes me and I give them props, to say the least.
Between April 2015 and February 2016, I had it made. My daughter, having just turned 2, started spending nights at MSTBE's house in April 2015 for the first time. (My son had been spending nights for about eight months.) I had THREE nights per week (including a weekend day and night) to get things done. I had time to clean, do groceries, do laundry, meal prep, and make delicious, healthy meals for myself and actually sit down to enjoy them three nights per week. I started yoga (my sanity) immediately after my baby girl started spending nights there and was doing it 3-4 times per week pretty quickly thereafter. In October, I joined a running group. I've mentioned them numerous times before because I love them and they are some of the most supportive women I know. The premise was this: women who run and also love beer. We meet at a brewery, run a few miles, and then enjoy a beer or two together. And because I was doing things for myself, had time to get chores done, and felt fulfilled, I became a happier person and a better mother. I was constantly thinking that I had the best of both worlds, that I had "me" time but also had enough time with my kids, and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And it dropped at the end of January 2016. (Check here for the info if you haven't read it already.) As I'm typing this, I keep thinking to myself, "First world problems..." or "Damn, there are so many other things to be worried about in the world right now." And I truly do worry about those bigger issues. I'm not the kind of person to be so wrapped up in my own personal issues that I don't know what's happening in the world around me. There are plenty of things happening in the world that truly sadden me and that take such greater priority over my not being able to lose my last six pounds of weight to reach my goal. But I'm sure that you all understand: there are times when you have to vent and it might be about something petty. And there's a bigger picture here. I'm angry that the person that signed up for this with me isn't fulfilling his part of the deal. We got into this parenting thing together, nobody was coerced into it, and I'm the one taking on the vast majority of the responsibility. There was no "oops," our kids were planned and dreamt of before we had them. So I'm really angry and trying to find the positive side of this. Because positivity is like my religion.
Here's my attempt at optimism: there's no doubt that my kids are better off with me (and my Mom), even though I'm not quite the amazing Mom that I was when I had enough time to feel "myself.". (Maybe I'm exaggerating how amazing a was, just a smidge.) And I am lucky to have the extra time with them as they grow. There are fewer things that I'm missing out on and they are becoming better people because they are around positive, loving people who care for them and look out for their needs. These are the thoughts that get me through the anger and help me calm down enough to realize that I'll reach my goal sooner or later; they allow me to remember that things continually get easier as my kids grow older and, soon enough, I'll wish that I had more time with my kids.
And on that note, I bid you goodnight. (Ok that was weird, but it seemed oddly appropriate.)
But two nights per week is not enough to get everything done that needs to be done and I haven't had time to go grocery shopping. Here's the petty part: over the last year I've been able to lose about 25 pounds to get back down to my pre-children weight. And I stalled my weight loss on my way down to my pre-marriage weight when MSTBE decided to be a total jerk and endanger my children's safety resulting in me having no time to grocery shop, meal prep, and exercise. I was six pounds away from my goal. Six pounds!
Here's where I start to really admire truly single parents, parents who have their kids seven days a week every week. I don't know how they do it. Don't get me wrong, I love my kids more than I ever knew that I could love another human and I miss them when they're gone. But there's just not enough time in the day. If I don't have time to water my plants and go grocery shopping and get the laundry done in a timely fashion, then how in the hell do parents who have their kids seven days per week? It astonishes me and I give them props, to say the least.
Between April 2015 and February 2016, I had it made. My daughter, having just turned 2, started spending nights at MSTBE's house in April 2015 for the first time. (My son had been spending nights for about eight months.) I had THREE nights per week (including a weekend day and night) to get things done. I had time to clean, do groceries, do laundry, meal prep, and make delicious, healthy meals for myself and actually sit down to enjoy them three nights per week. I started yoga (my sanity) immediately after my baby girl started spending nights there and was doing it 3-4 times per week pretty quickly thereafter. In October, I joined a running group. I've mentioned them numerous times before because I love them and they are some of the most supportive women I know. The premise was this: women who run and also love beer. We meet at a brewery, run a few miles, and then enjoy a beer or two together. And because I was doing things for myself, had time to get chores done, and felt fulfilled, I became a happier person and a better mother. I was constantly thinking that I had the best of both worlds, that I had "me" time but also had enough time with my kids, and I was waiting for the other shoe to drop.
And it dropped at the end of January 2016. (Check here for the info if you haven't read it already.) As I'm typing this, I keep thinking to myself, "First world problems..." or "Damn, there are so many other things to be worried about in the world right now." And I truly do worry about those bigger issues. I'm not the kind of person to be so wrapped up in my own personal issues that I don't know what's happening in the world around me. There are plenty of things happening in the world that truly sadden me and that take such greater priority over my not being able to lose my last six pounds of weight to reach my goal. But I'm sure that you all understand: there are times when you have to vent and it might be about something petty. And there's a bigger picture here. I'm angry that the person that signed up for this with me isn't fulfilling his part of the deal. We got into this parenting thing together, nobody was coerced into it, and I'm the one taking on the vast majority of the responsibility. There was no "oops," our kids were planned and dreamt of before we had them. So I'm really angry and trying to find the positive side of this. Because positivity is like my religion.
Here's my attempt at optimism: there's no doubt that my kids are better off with me (and my Mom), even though I'm not quite the amazing Mom that I was when I had enough time to feel "myself.". (Maybe I'm exaggerating how amazing a was, just a smidge.) And I am lucky to have the extra time with them as they grow. There are fewer things that I'm missing out on and they are becoming better people because they are around positive, loving people who care for them and look out for their needs. These are the thoughts that get me through the anger and help me calm down enough to realize that I'll reach my goal sooner or later; they allow me to remember that things continually get easier as my kids grow older and, soon enough, I'll wish that I had more time with my kids.
And on that note, I bid you goodnight. (Ok that was weird, but it seemed oddly appropriate.)
Saturday, June 11, 2016
June 11, 2016 - Coffee Was No Bueno
I just had a little bit of a meltdown. My kids are in the bath. I'm listening to music. Coldplay's "Yellow" came on. Most Coldplay songs make me feel and reflect a little more than usual. This afternoon was the first time that I've had time to just sit and "be" in a really long time and it was the first time that I've actually stopped (aside from sleeping) and wasn't rushing, since I had coffee with MSTBE on Thursday. (See this post for details of what I thought might happen at said coffee meeting.) I had a mini meltdown because it was the first time that it really sunk in that this arrangement with MSTBE and my kids, where they only see him one night per week, isn't a temporary situation. And immediately following that realization, it became clear that my kids aren't
going to have their Dad in their lives much at all. And even though I don't think fondly of him or think that he's a really stellar Dad, it made me sad.
To say that coffee went nothing like I expected is possibly the understatement of the century. I'll spare you the play by play and just give you the important information. I didn't get screamed at or humiliated. That's the good news. It's the only good news. MSTBE had no interest in doing anything to make me feel that my kids are safe at his house. I know that I haven't revealed specifics about the safety issue that caused him to lose most of his time with them but you'll have to trust me that it was pretty serious. I need to cover myself and be sure that I don't slander or write anything that might eventually be used against me in court. I know him well enough to feel confident that I'm being overly cautious here, that he probably won't take any initiative to do anything to see the kids more, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.
And that leads me back to coffee. Not only did he not want to do an online safety course for parents, he basically had no interest in seeing the kids any more than he already does because it would require him to drive more often. There's that lack of initiative and interest.
A little background: when we met, we lived about 40 miles apart; when we got engaged, we moved to
a city that was close to halfway between our jobs but I eventually found a job much closer to home; and I still live in this city (farther from friends and family than I'd like but I'm not going to get into that now) but he moved about 20 miles away, closer to his job.
Back to coffee, once again. He suggested that on the two days a week that I was suggesting that he have the kids, I meet him halfway for pick up and drop off. I was flabbergasted. So not only am I solely responsible for them five days a week, but you want me to pick them up from school in the afternoon and meet you halfway so that they could spend the night with you??? And meet you halfway in the morning before work and school the next day to drop them off?!?! I was so caught off guard by this suggestion that I had nothing better to say than, "That's just not how it works."
To sum it up, he declined my offer to see the kids more than once a week because it's too much driving and too stressful dropping them off at two different places for preschool and daycare. I'm still caught off guard by this fact, it still hasn't sunk in that nothing is going to change for a very long time, if ever.
I don't know what it is that causes me to think for brief periods of time that maybe he'll change. I don't know why I continue to reach out to him. Actually I do: it's my kids. My son has been asking to spend more time with his Dad so I tried to make it happen for him. But when all is said and done, I believe that my kids are better off with me and my Mom (who gives me a little sanity by taking them one night per week and saves me money by watching them during the day the two days surrounding that night).
Needless to say, I won't be reaching out to him again.
Wednesday, June 8, 2016
June 8, 2016 - Feeling a Bit Anxious
I've reached my limit. And so have my kids. I call mercy or I tap out or whichever phrase you prefer. I can't handle the amount of parenting that I've been doing on my own. This revelation is making me feel a bit weak, which is not a feeling that I'm comfortable with, but I've accepted it for what it is. And I need to do what's best for my kids, who miss their Dad. My ego and the way that I feel about giving myself that label are so much less important than what's best for my kids.
I asked MSTBE to meet me for coffee tomorrow morning to discuss him seeing them more. And I'm anxious. Actually, I'm borderline terrified. In the past we've discussed these things via text or email and nine times out of ten, there is a miscommunication and things got ugly. I asked him to coffee despite not having any desire to sit across from him because I figure there's less chance of miscommunication and things getting ugly if we're face to face in public. But that's not saying much. There's a fifty-fifty chance that I will be absolutely humiliated at Starbucks. It's about as likely that he'll misinterpret something that I say and blow up at me as it is that we'll take a step toward a resolution.
Here's my plan: I'm going to start by telling him that I want the kids to see him more because it's what they want and will make them happy. I will tell him that I have two concerns: their safety, which seems to have become less of an issue (I still don't trust him not to do something stupid but I'm not going to tell him that), and the amount of sleep that they get there. I actually have quite a few more concerns, like the amount of sugar that they eat when they're there and the amount of TV that they watch and the cussing that they pick up from him and the chaos that is my life when they come home from his house because they have no rules there and get whatever they want if they shed a tear. But I'm not going to bother with those things.
Back to my plan. I'm going to ask him what he's willing to do to ease my mind about those things. An online parenting course seems like the best bet because he can show me proof that he's done it. It was actually written into our divorce decree but I never held him to it. I'm open to other ideas though. I will then give him a calendar showing him the kids' schedule in the summer and once school starts in the Fall. I'll offer to brainstorm which day would be best for him to have them, taking into account school pick up and drop off and driving from his apartment 15 miles away. Or, if he prefers, he can take the schedule information and get back to me. I have a feeling he'll choose the former because he has a difficult time making decisions. (That's not intended as a bash, just set a fact.)
Hopefully we will part ways after having had a civil conversation and we will both feel like we've taken a step forward. I'm going to focus on this scenario for the rest of the night, putting positive thoughts into the universe, and know that if this is not the way that it plays out, I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.
I asked MSTBE to meet me for coffee tomorrow morning to discuss him seeing them more. And I'm anxious. Actually, I'm borderline terrified. In the past we've discussed these things via text or email and nine times out of ten, there is a miscommunication and things got ugly. I asked him to coffee despite not having any desire to sit across from him because I figure there's less chance of miscommunication and things getting ugly if we're face to face in public. But that's not saying much. There's a fifty-fifty chance that I will be absolutely humiliated at Starbucks. It's about as likely that he'll misinterpret something that I say and blow up at me as it is that we'll take a step toward a resolution.
Here's my plan: I'm going to start by telling him that I want the kids to see him more because it's what they want and will make them happy. I will tell him that I have two concerns: their safety, which seems to have become less of an issue (I still don't trust him not to do something stupid but I'm not going to tell him that), and the amount of sleep that they get there. I actually have quite a few more concerns, like the amount of sugar that they eat when they're there and the amount of TV that they watch and the cussing that they pick up from him and the chaos that is my life when they come home from his house because they have no rules there and get whatever they want if they shed a tear. But I'm not going to bother with those things.
Back to my plan. I'm going to ask him what he's willing to do to ease my mind about those things. An online parenting course seems like the best bet because he can show me proof that he's done it. It was actually written into our divorce decree but I never held him to it. I'm open to other ideas though. I will then give him a calendar showing him the kids' schedule in the summer and once school starts in the Fall. I'll offer to brainstorm which day would be best for him to have them, taking into account school pick up and drop off and driving from his apartment 15 miles away. Or, if he prefers, he can take the schedule information and get back to me. I have a feeling he'll choose the former because he has a difficult time making decisions. (That's not intended as a bash, just set a fact.)
Hopefully we will part ways after having had a civil conversation and we will both feel like we've taken a step forward. I'm going to focus on this scenario for the rest of the night, putting positive thoughts into the universe, and know that if this is not the way that it plays out, I'll be able to handle whatever is thrown at me.
Sunday, May 8, 2016
May 8, 2016 - The Dichotomy (or Trichotomy) of What I Want
Side note number 1: I got a new laptop so I will be blogging a lot more!!!
Side note number 2 (this one will be a bit longer): What a difference a few days makes. Yesterday I texted my hot yoga guy to see if he can do weekly yoga sessions. I'm getting a raise and decided that I want to put some of the extra money towards my health. I did seriously question whether I'd feel silly a year from now when this infatuation wears off for spending more money on yoga, wondering if I'm spending money for the yoga or for the male attention. But I came to the conclusion that it's mostly the yoga. Since I began working with him privately, I've become markedly stronger and I'm seeing major changes in my body. When I texted him, I told him that I completely understand if he doesn't have time because he's teaching classes twice a week and takes instructor classes regularly. And, to no surprise, he said that he doesn't have time. I texted a girlfriend this morning saying that it was the final nail in the coffin of hope that he had some interest in me beyond yoga, that maybe he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. But weirdly, I wasn't upset, and so I knew that the feelings I'd been having were not serious feelings. This morning when he came over for yoga, I felt totally different and it was so much nicer. I felt relaxed. I wasn't wondering what he was thinking the entire time. It was really nice! I must admit, I did have a moment of weakness when he was helping me get into a pose and I was pressing my foot into his six pack abs. But it was momentary.
And now I'll get to the point of this post.
There is an insane dichotomy or even trichotomy (did I just make up a word) of what I think that I want in a man. And it's based in the fact that there are so many aspects of my personality that are so completely different.
There's the side of me who buys organic and doesn't like to have any plastic in the house and diffuses essential oils and eats clean and does yoga.
Then there's the side of me who likes to wear skirts and dresses and high heels and go to fancy dinners and have nice things and feel like a girly girl.
And there's the side of me who likes to lounge around in casual clothes and not do my make up or wash my hair all weekend and eat cheeseburgers and fries and drink beer and Jameson on the rocks and hang with the guys.
There's another side of me who knows that I need a man who is stronger than me, a man who can let me have the reigns (or at least feel that way) the majority of the time but can take the reigns from me, with force, when necessary.
I guess that's even more than a trichotomy. It's very strange to me that all of these different sides of my personality manage to coexist. And it baffles me to think that there might be another human out there that would be compatible with all of these different aspects of my personality. But I guess that the good news is that I'm much more aware of my own personality than I was ten years ago when I met MSTBE. (Wow, I just realized that it really has been almost ten years. That's a strange thought.)
I think that not knowing ourselves is what got MSTBE and myself into a relationship that couldn't possibly have worked. We didn't know ourselves and definitely didn't know what we each needed in a partner. And so I move forward on this journey that is my life, learning about myself, learning to be a better Mom and friend, and possibly eventually learning to be a better partner to someone.
Side note number 2 (this one will be a bit longer): What a difference a few days makes. Yesterday I texted my hot yoga guy to see if he can do weekly yoga sessions. I'm getting a raise and decided that I want to put some of the extra money towards my health. I did seriously question whether I'd feel silly a year from now when this infatuation wears off for spending more money on yoga, wondering if I'm spending money for the yoga or for the male attention. But I came to the conclusion that it's mostly the yoga. Since I began working with him privately, I've become markedly stronger and I'm seeing major changes in my body. When I texted him, I told him that I completely understand if he doesn't have time because he's teaching classes twice a week and takes instructor classes regularly. And, to no surprise, he said that he doesn't have time. I texted a girlfriend this morning saying that it was the final nail in the coffin of hope that he had some interest in me beyond yoga, that maybe he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. But weirdly, I wasn't upset, and so I knew that the feelings I'd been having were not serious feelings. This morning when he came over for yoga, I felt totally different and it was so much nicer. I felt relaxed. I wasn't wondering what he was thinking the entire time. It was really nice! I must admit, I did have a moment of weakness when he was helping me get into a pose and I was pressing my foot into his six pack abs. But it was momentary.
And now I'll get to the point of this post.
There is an insane dichotomy or even trichotomy (did I just make up a word) of what I think that I want in a man. And it's based in the fact that there are so many aspects of my personality that are so completely different.
There's the side of me who buys organic and doesn't like to have any plastic in the house and diffuses essential oils and eats clean and does yoga.
Then there's the side of me who likes to wear skirts and dresses and high heels and go to fancy dinners and have nice things and feel like a girly girl.
And there's the side of me who likes to lounge around in casual clothes and not do my make up or wash my hair all weekend and eat cheeseburgers and fries and drink beer and Jameson on the rocks and hang with the guys.
There's another side of me who knows that I need a man who is stronger than me, a man who can let me have the reigns (or at least feel that way) the majority of the time but can take the reigns from me, with force, when necessary.
I guess that's even more than a trichotomy. It's very strange to me that all of these different sides of my personality manage to coexist. And it baffles me to think that there might be another human out there that would be compatible with all of these different aspects of my personality. But I guess that the good news is that I'm much more aware of my own personality than I was ten years ago when I met MSTBE. (Wow, I just realized that it really has been almost ten years. That's a strange thought.)
I think that not knowing ourselves is what got MSTBE and myself into a relationship that couldn't possibly have worked. We didn't know ourselves and definitely didn't know what we each needed in a partner. And so I move forward on this journey that is my life, learning about myself, learning to be a better Mom and friend, and possibly eventually learning to be a better partner to someone.
Monday, May 2, 2016
May 2, 2016 ~ Am I Blinded by the Dream or Was I Just Jaded Back Then?
Some of you may have read my post on my facebook page last night:
"I don't know what's going on with me lately. Every time I see a couple, on TV, on facebook, in life, my heart hurts. Sometimes I cry. My head and my heart are at odds. My head knows that I don't have time to even think about dating. My head knows that I have more important things in my life right now. My head knows that I'm happier with my life now than probably any other time. Apparently my heart didn't get the memo."
Let me first give you a bit of background into why I've been feeling this way. About 13 months ago, my kids started spending nights at MSTBE's house and I had a freedom that I hadn't experienced in four years. I joined a running group (previously mentioned in this post). I started doing yoga again. I was able to cook delicious meals for myself and actually sit down to enjoy them. I felt like I had the best of both worlds: I was a happy Mom when I had my kids because I had the time to do things for myself when they were at their Dad's. They went to his house on Mondays and Wednesdays, which brought a male yoga instructor into my life. When I was searching the class schedule at my yoga studio I was initially disappointed to have a male instructor because I'd never had one but his class was the only one that fit into my schedule. I ended up enjoying his class. I saw him as attractive but I wasn't attracted to him at all when I began attending; he's not "my type" because he has long hair and is barely as tall as me. Slowly as I attended his class more often, I got to know him and the attraction sparked. About six months into my experience with him he started taking more instructor classes and began doing adjustments to our poses in class. I remember texting a girlfriend after the first time he adjusted me. I had a tank top on and he touched my shoulders, skin to skin. I told my friend that his hands were like butter and satin and strength all wrapped together somehow.
About three months ago the schedule with my kids changed drastically (as discussed in this post) and I wasn't able to get into the yoga studio nearly as much. I spoke with my instructor outside of class and asked if he ever did private lessons. For the past two months, he's been coming over to my house in the evening 2-3 times per month to help me continue and advance my practice. There's something about yoga that opens up more than just the muscles and joints in my body, it opens up my heart and makes me feel vulnerable. And being able to trust a man when I feel vulnerable is not something that I'm used to. But I trust him. Here's the kicker: he has a girlfriend. And I think about him far more often than I should be thinking about someone who has a girlfriend.
When I think logically about the situation, I know that even if he didn't have a girlfriend, we shouldn't take things any further than practicing yoga together. It wouldn't be fair to him if he's interested in settling down and having kids. And I enjoy doing yoga with him so much that I don't want to complicate that part of it. And what if he's a bad kisser? Or vegan? Or any number of things that would make us a bad fit?
As I drove to work this morning, I began reflecting on my facebook post last night. I had slept, I wasn't feeling emotional, and I felt like I could think more clearly about the way that I was feeling last night. I asked myself the question, "Am I blinded by the dream or was I just jaded back then?"
About three months ago the schedule with my kids changed drastically (as discussed in this post) and I wasn't able to get into the yoga studio nearly as much. I spoke with my instructor outside of class and asked if he ever did private lessons. For the past two months, he's been coming over to my house in the evening 2-3 times per month to help me continue and advance my practice. There's something about yoga that opens up more than just the muscles and joints in my body, it opens up my heart and makes me feel vulnerable. And being able to trust a man when I feel vulnerable is not something that I'm used to. But I trust him. Here's the kicker: he has a girlfriend. And I think about him far more often than I should be thinking about someone who has a girlfriend.
When I think logically about the situation, I know that even if he didn't have a girlfriend, we shouldn't take things any further than practicing yoga together. It wouldn't be fair to him if he's interested in settling down and having kids. And I enjoy doing yoga with him so much that I don't want to complicate that part of it. And what if he's a bad kisser? Or vegan? Or any number of things that would make us a bad fit?
As I drove to work this morning, I began reflecting on my facebook post last night. I had slept, I wasn't feeling emotional, and I felt like I could think more clearly about the way that I was feeling last night. I asked myself the question, "Am I blinded by the dream or was I just jaded back then?"
When my marriage initially fell apart, I began looking at the marriages around me. I started to ask myself if I would want to be the wife in any of those marriages. For the most part, the answer was no. Let me explain. My perception is that no relationship is perfect but many of them work on some level; overall they make my friends and family happy. But after my divorce, I have been happier than I've ever been in my life. The idea of being in a relationship that could possibly make me less happy even some of the time just hasn't been attractive even though I know that many relationships make my friends and family more happy much of the time.
Until recently, I've felt very strong in this stance and haven't wavered at all. Friends would tell me that they know that there's somebody out there for me and I would internally laugh. "I don't need somebody, I'm good," I would think. And I really was and I still am, which is why I'm perplexed. I bought a house and moved about six weeks ago. I've been able to get back to practicing yoga regularly after a month of not being able to. I'm eating (mostly) healthfully. I just feel good! So why this sudden emotional response to seeing couples? It's not even a conscious reaction that I'm having. I see a couple snuggle on TV and my heart hurts, sometimes leading to a flood of tears that I have no control over.
So here's my question: have I allowed myself to forget the things that I hated about being in a relationship and begin believing that the dream of a long term commitment is actually possible? Or, when I came to the conclusion that a long term relationship wasn't in the cards, was I too hurt and broken to think anything else? I guess only time will tell. And I'm okay with that.
So here's my question: have I allowed myself to forget the things that I hated about being in a relationship and begin believing that the dream of a long term commitment is actually possible? Or, when I came to the conclusion that a long term relationship wasn't in the cards, was I too hurt and broken to think anything else? I guess only time will tell. And I'm okay with that.
Friday, January 29, 2016
January 29, 2016 - I Changed My Mind, I Will Share
I started this blog to be real and share what's going on in my life with others who are going through similar things, others who have already gone through similar things, or others who think that they might be in a similar position sooner or later. I've been thinking a lot after my last post, in which I said that I didn't think that I should write about what's going on in my life right now, and have decided that I actually do want to write, at least a little bit. I want to get the real stuff out there, the most difficult parts of divorce. I don't think it's wise to share specific details and I don't really have a direction in mind for this post other than to get some things off of my chest but we'll see how this goes together. So let's do it!
Last Thursday, January 21, my son told my Mom about something that has happened at least twice while my kids were spending time at MSTBE's house. I don't feel comfortable revealing details at this point but the issue is concerning their safety and it is pretty bad. I was at work when I got the text from my Mom and I immediately texted MSTBE, telling him what I had heard and asking him to please tell me that it wasn't true. I didn't want it to be true. I really, really didn't want it to be true because if it was, everything would have to change. He confirmed that it had happened and said it wouldn't happen again. Here's the problem: there has been another, less severe safety issue happening sporadically for two years and every time I call him on it, he says it won't happen again. I told him that I didn't know what to do, that he wasn't giving me any other choice than to contact a lawyer. He responded by saying that I should take the kids because the responsibility was too much for him, that he couldn't handle all of the driving back and forth and getting the kids to school on time and picking them up on time, etc. My gut reaction was to try to fight for my kids and get him to realize that they'd be devastated without him in their lives. I didn't know exactly how any of it would work because there was no way that I was going to allow the arrangement of time with the kids to stay the same but I knew that they needed him in their lives in some form.
Over the past week, MSTBE has gone back and forth, one minute saying that I should have full custody and the next, threatening to take me to court so that he could have equally shared custody. Last Friday I spoke with the lawyer who mediated our divorce and she said that court would not be good for him. I battled with him over and over, telling him that by going to court he would lose any and all legal custody and the kids would be absolutely devastated. I wanted to discuss it like adults and come up with an arrangement in which the kids could still see him but this new arrangement had to be one that wouldn't have me worried about their safety every second that they were with him. Equally shared custody was not an option and the only reason that he was even fighting for it, in my opinion, was so that he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore. Basically every decision that he is making right now is fueled by the fact that he's in financial dire straits (or at least that's the card that he's playing) and have nothing to do with what's best for the kids.
For as long as I've known him, I've pretty much always recognized him in his words and I've been able to predict his actions, even when he has been the most angry with me. For the first time, I got an email from him in which this was not the case. As I read the email that he sent me exactly one week ago, I was in shock. I literally wondered, "Did someone else type this for him?" It didn't sound like him and it was completely unpredictable. His mental state is definitely not stable and something has to give, otherwise it's only going to get worse. The only problem is that he doesn't have the initiative or drive to make a positive change for himself.
My kids had been having a difficult time with not seeing their Dad. Of course, I haven't let them in on anything that is going on because they are two and four years old. I absolutely don't want my son to feel that he did anything wrong or to feel guilty or angry with himself about having told us what had been happening. They started to realize that things were changing on Sunday, when they were supposed to spend the night at MSTBE's. Instead, they spent the day there and came home for dinner. That night, they asked if they were going to spend the night at his house the next day like they usually do on Mondays. When I said no, they were pretty upset. By Wednesday, which is usually another "Daddy day," my son was feeling pretty devastated. He started crying in the play yard as soon as he saw my car instead of MSTBE's. I had left work a little bit early to pick up my daughter first, which is out of the ordinary because her daycare is closer to our house. But I knew that my son was going to need a distraction. As I walked up to the school and saw him standing on the other side of the fence crying, my heart broke a little more than it already had in the days prior. The walk along the stretch of fence that separated us felt ten times longer than usual and when I got through the gate, I tried to hug him but he wouldn't let me. We went inside the classroom and his teacher was concerned that he had been hurt but I told her that he was upset. I had talked with her the day before about what had been going on. My daughter started looking around the classroom and the teacher suggested that my son show her around. This definitely distracted him and he seemed happier briefly but once we got into the car, he mentioned that he was still sad. I took them to a new park, like I had done on Monday (and Tuesday was a trip for frozen yogurt) because I knew that they needed some play and happy time. It seemed to do the trick.
Sadly, they seem to have gotten used to the idea of not seeing their Dad in the past two days. In fact, we forgot to call to say goodnight two nights in a row and they didn't even notice. But they are both excited about seeing him tomorrow. This evening my son asked to go to Target to buy a toy. I told him that we weren't going to have time over the weekend so it would have to be after school one day. He said, "Well it will have to be chicken nugget day [Tuesday] because quesadilla day [Monday] and pizza day [Wednesday] are both Daddy days." I guess I had temporarily forgotten that I hadn't explained to them that things are going to be different for a while. His expectation is that things will go back to normal tomorrow. I'm trying to break this to them slowly but I don't know if it's the right way to handle it.
Last night MSTBE and I came to an agreement after hours of going back and forth. There's a good chance that he will decide, once again, that he'd rather go to court instead of sticking with the agreement, but I am hopeful that he won't. So my kids will be spending a full 24 hours with him tomorrow until Sunday morning. I am trying not to worry. He knows that we are all on high alert and that my son tells me and my Mom everything so you'd think that he will be on his best behavior. But he's known that for two years with the other safety issue that I mentioned and it continued to happen. What I hope will make it different this time is that he knows that I have ammunition to take the kids away from him completely and that I will use it if I hear anything else has happened. But I'm still nervous. The new arrangement is that he will only have them for one overnight per week, alternating Saturday one week and Sunday the next, since the pick ups and drop offs and the driving during the week are what were causing him so much stress. Nothing is going to get better for him and hence, for my kids, until he can manage his stress and get his life back together.
I am having a really difficult time not being angry and grumpy and negative. It's hard not asking myself, "Why me?" and feeling sorry for myself. I'm having an even more challenging time not saying mean things to him but I know that doing that will only put him in an even more negative and distraught state of mind and that's the last thing that I want to do, for my kids' sake.
For now, I'm enjoying the extra time with my kids. There is a marked difference in their behavior just in the last week; everyone has noticed it (my Mom, me, my son's teacher, and my daughter's daycare provider). They have always been pretty well behaved kids but lately, they have been even better. (You'd think that the opposite would be true, right?) They have been more polite, more caring towards each other, and more snugly with me. It makes me feel even more certain in my decision that less time with MSTBE is what's best for them right now.
This situation is almost laughable because for the past couple of months, I'd been thinking how I really, truly had the best of both worlds. I had four days per week to spend with my kids and three days to spend getting things done and having "me time". I had gotten into yoga and my practice was going really well. I had joined a running group with the exceptional ladies that I mentioned previously in this post. I had time for an occasional girls' night out. As much as I missed my kids on those three days per week, I knew that having the time to do these things was making me a better mother to them when they were with me. The past nine days have been challenging. My patience has been a little thinner than usual and I've been exhausted. But my Mom reminded me of something that my Grandma always says: "C'est la vie, what will be, will be." That's life and this is something that I will get through. It is something that will make me stronger and help me to appreciate my life a little bit more than I already do.
Last Thursday, January 21, my son told my Mom about something that has happened at least twice while my kids were spending time at MSTBE's house. I don't feel comfortable revealing details at this point but the issue is concerning their safety and it is pretty bad. I was at work when I got the text from my Mom and I immediately texted MSTBE, telling him what I had heard and asking him to please tell me that it wasn't true. I didn't want it to be true. I really, really didn't want it to be true because if it was, everything would have to change. He confirmed that it had happened and said it wouldn't happen again. Here's the problem: there has been another, less severe safety issue happening sporadically for two years and every time I call him on it, he says it won't happen again. I told him that I didn't know what to do, that he wasn't giving me any other choice than to contact a lawyer. He responded by saying that I should take the kids because the responsibility was too much for him, that he couldn't handle all of the driving back and forth and getting the kids to school on time and picking them up on time, etc. My gut reaction was to try to fight for my kids and get him to realize that they'd be devastated without him in their lives. I didn't know exactly how any of it would work because there was no way that I was going to allow the arrangement of time with the kids to stay the same but I knew that they needed him in their lives in some form.
Over the past week, MSTBE has gone back and forth, one minute saying that I should have full custody and the next, threatening to take me to court so that he could have equally shared custody. Last Friday I spoke with the lawyer who mediated our divorce and she said that court would not be good for him. I battled with him over and over, telling him that by going to court he would lose any and all legal custody and the kids would be absolutely devastated. I wanted to discuss it like adults and come up with an arrangement in which the kids could still see him but this new arrangement had to be one that wouldn't have me worried about their safety every second that they were with him. Equally shared custody was not an option and the only reason that he was even fighting for it, in my opinion, was so that he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore. Basically every decision that he is making right now is fueled by the fact that he's in financial dire straits (or at least that's the card that he's playing) and have nothing to do with what's best for the kids.
For as long as I've known him, I've pretty much always recognized him in his words and I've been able to predict his actions, even when he has been the most angry with me. For the first time, I got an email from him in which this was not the case. As I read the email that he sent me exactly one week ago, I was in shock. I literally wondered, "Did someone else type this for him?" It didn't sound like him and it was completely unpredictable. His mental state is definitely not stable and something has to give, otherwise it's only going to get worse. The only problem is that he doesn't have the initiative or drive to make a positive change for himself.
My kids had been having a difficult time with not seeing their Dad. Of course, I haven't let them in on anything that is going on because they are two and four years old. I absolutely don't want my son to feel that he did anything wrong or to feel guilty or angry with himself about having told us what had been happening. They started to realize that things were changing on Sunday, when they were supposed to spend the night at MSTBE's. Instead, they spent the day there and came home for dinner. That night, they asked if they were going to spend the night at his house the next day like they usually do on Mondays. When I said no, they were pretty upset. By Wednesday, which is usually another "Daddy day," my son was feeling pretty devastated. He started crying in the play yard as soon as he saw my car instead of MSTBE's. I had left work a little bit early to pick up my daughter first, which is out of the ordinary because her daycare is closer to our house. But I knew that my son was going to need a distraction. As I walked up to the school and saw him standing on the other side of the fence crying, my heart broke a little more than it already had in the days prior. The walk along the stretch of fence that separated us felt ten times longer than usual and when I got through the gate, I tried to hug him but he wouldn't let me. We went inside the classroom and his teacher was concerned that he had been hurt but I told her that he was upset. I had talked with her the day before about what had been going on. My daughter started looking around the classroom and the teacher suggested that my son show her around. This definitely distracted him and he seemed happier briefly but once we got into the car, he mentioned that he was still sad. I took them to a new park, like I had done on Monday (and Tuesday was a trip for frozen yogurt) because I knew that they needed some play and happy time. It seemed to do the trick.
Sadly, they seem to have gotten used to the idea of not seeing their Dad in the past two days. In fact, we forgot to call to say goodnight two nights in a row and they didn't even notice. But they are both excited about seeing him tomorrow. This evening my son asked to go to Target to buy a toy. I told him that we weren't going to have time over the weekend so it would have to be after school one day. He said, "Well it will have to be chicken nugget day [Tuesday] because quesadilla day [Monday] and pizza day [Wednesday] are both Daddy days." I guess I had temporarily forgotten that I hadn't explained to them that things are going to be different for a while. His expectation is that things will go back to normal tomorrow. I'm trying to break this to them slowly but I don't know if it's the right way to handle it.
Last night MSTBE and I came to an agreement after hours of going back and forth. There's a good chance that he will decide, once again, that he'd rather go to court instead of sticking with the agreement, but I am hopeful that he won't. So my kids will be spending a full 24 hours with him tomorrow until Sunday morning. I am trying not to worry. He knows that we are all on high alert and that my son tells me and my Mom everything so you'd think that he will be on his best behavior. But he's known that for two years with the other safety issue that I mentioned and it continued to happen. What I hope will make it different this time is that he knows that I have ammunition to take the kids away from him completely and that I will use it if I hear anything else has happened. But I'm still nervous. The new arrangement is that he will only have them for one overnight per week, alternating Saturday one week and Sunday the next, since the pick ups and drop offs and the driving during the week are what were causing him so much stress. Nothing is going to get better for him and hence, for my kids, until he can manage his stress and get his life back together.
I am having a really difficult time not being angry and grumpy and negative. It's hard not asking myself, "Why me?" and feeling sorry for myself. I'm having an even more challenging time not saying mean things to him but I know that doing that will only put him in an even more negative and distraught state of mind and that's the last thing that I want to do, for my kids' sake.
For now, I'm enjoying the extra time with my kids. There is a marked difference in their behavior just in the last week; everyone has noticed it (my Mom, me, my son's teacher, and my daughter's daycare provider). They have always been pretty well behaved kids but lately, they have been even better. (You'd think that the opposite would be true, right?) They have been more polite, more caring towards each other, and more snugly with me. It makes me feel even more certain in my decision that less time with MSTBE is what's best for them right now.
This situation is almost laughable because for the past couple of months, I'd been thinking how I really, truly had the best of both worlds. I had four days per week to spend with my kids and three days to spend getting things done and having "me time". I had gotten into yoga and my practice was going really well. I had joined a running group with the exceptional ladies that I mentioned previously in this post. I had time for an occasional girls' night out. As much as I missed my kids on those three days per week, I knew that having the time to do these things was making me a better mother to them when they were with me. The past nine days have been challenging. My patience has been a little thinner than usual and I've been exhausted. But my Mom reminded me of something that my Grandma always says: "C'est la vie, what will be, will be." That's life and this is something that I will get through. It is something that will make me stronger and help me to appreciate my life a little bit more than I already do.
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