January 29, 2016 - I Changed My Mind, I Will Share

I started this blog to be real and share what's going on in my life with others who are going through similar things, others who have already gone through similar things, or others who think that they might be in a similar position sooner or later. I've been thinking a lot after my last post, in which I said that I didn't think that I should write about what's going on in my life right now, and have decided that I actually do want to write, at least a little bit. I want to get the real stuff out there, the most difficult parts of divorce. I don't think it's wise to share specific details and I don't really have a direction in mind for this post other than to get some things off of my chest but we'll see how this goes together. So let's do it!

Last Thursday, January 21, my son told my Mom about something that has happened at least twice while my kids were spending time at MSTBE's house. I don't feel comfortable revealing details at this point but the issue is concerning their safety and it is pretty bad. I was at work when I got the text from my Mom and I immediately texted MSTBE, telling him what I had heard and asking him to please tell me that it wasn't true. I didn't want it to be true. I really, really didn't want it to be true because if it was, everything would have to change. He confirmed that it had happened and said it wouldn't happen again. Here's the problem: there has been another, less severe safety issue happening sporadically for two years and every time I call him on it, he says it won't happen again. I told him that I didn't know what to do, that he wasn't giving me any other choice than to contact a lawyer. He responded by saying that I should take the kids because the responsibility was too much for him, that he couldn't handle all of the driving back and forth and getting the kids to school on time and picking them up on time, etc. My gut reaction was to try to fight for my kids and get him to realize that they'd be devastated without him in their lives. I didn't know exactly how any of it would work because there was no way that I was going to allow the arrangement of time with the kids to stay the same but I knew that they needed him in their lives in some form.

Over the past week, MSTBE has gone back and forth, one minute saying that I should have full custody and the next, threatening to take me to court so that he could have equally shared custody. Last Friday I spoke with the lawyer who mediated our divorce and she said that court would not be good for him. I battled with him over and over, telling him that by going to court he would lose any and all legal custody and the kids would be absolutely devastated. I wanted to discuss it like adults and come up with an arrangement in which the kids could still see him but this new arrangement had to be one that wouldn't have me worried about their safety every second that they were with him. Equally shared custody was not an option and the only reason that he was even fighting for it, in my opinion, was so that he wouldn't have to pay child support anymore. Basically every decision that he is making right now is fueled by the fact that he's in financial dire straits (or at least that's the card that he's playing) and have nothing to do with what's best for the kids.

For as long as I've known him, I've pretty much always recognized him in his words and I've been able to predict his actions, even when he has been the most angry with me. For the first time, I got an email from him in which this was not the case. As I read the email that he sent me exactly one week ago, I was in shock. I literally wondered, "Did someone else type this for him?" It didn't sound like him and it was completely unpredictable. His mental state is definitely not stable and something has to give, otherwise it's only going to get worse. The only problem is that he doesn't have the initiative or drive to make a positive change for himself.

My kids had been having a difficult time with not seeing their Dad. Of course, I haven't let them in on anything that is going on because they are two and four years old. I absolutely don't want my son to feel that he did anything wrong or to feel guilty or angry with himself about having told us what had been happening. They started to realize that things were changing on Sunday, when they were supposed to spend the night at MSTBE's. Instead, they spent the day there and came home for dinner. That night, they asked if they were going to spend the night at his house the next day like they usually do on Mondays. When I said no, they were pretty upset. By Wednesday, which is usually another "Daddy day," my son was feeling pretty devastated. He started crying in the play yard as soon as he saw my car instead of MSTBE's. I had left work a little bit early to pick up my daughter first, which is out of the ordinary because her daycare is closer to our house. But I knew that my son was going to need a distraction. As I walked up to the school and saw him standing on the other side of the fence crying, my heart broke a little more than it already had in the days prior. The walk along the stretch of fence that separated us felt ten times longer than usual and when I got through the gate, I tried to hug him but he wouldn't let me. We went inside the classroom and his teacher was concerned that he had been hurt but I told her that he was upset. I had talked with her the day before about what had been going on. My daughter started looking around the classroom and the teacher suggested that my son show her around. This definitely distracted him and he seemed happier briefly but once we got into the car, he mentioned that he was still sad. I took them to a new park, like I had done on Monday (and Tuesday was a trip for frozen yogurt) because I knew that they needed some play and happy time. It seemed to do the trick.

Sadly, they seem to have gotten used to the idea of not seeing their Dad in the past two days. In fact, we forgot to call to say goodnight two nights in a row and they didn't even notice. But they are both excited about seeing him tomorrow. This evening my son asked to go to Target to buy a toy. I told him that we weren't going to have time over the weekend so it would have to be after school one day. He said, "Well it will have to be chicken nugget day [Tuesday] because quesadilla day [Monday] and pizza day [Wednesday] are both Daddy days." I guess I had temporarily forgotten that I hadn't explained to them that things are going to be different for a while. His expectation is that things will go back to normal tomorrow. I'm trying to break this to them slowly but I don't know if it's the right way to handle it.

Last night MSTBE and I came to an agreement after hours of going back and forth. There's a good chance that he will decide, once again, that he'd rather go to court instead of sticking with the agreement, but I am hopeful that he won't. So my kids will be spending a full 24 hours with him tomorrow until Sunday morning. I am trying not to worry. He knows that we are all on high alert and that my son tells me and my Mom everything so you'd think that he will be on his best behavior. But he's known that for two years with the other safety issue that I mentioned and it continued to happen. What I hope will make it different this time is that he knows that I have ammunition to take the kids away from him completely and that I will use it if I hear anything else has happened. But I'm still nervous. The new arrangement is that he will only have them for one overnight per week, alternating Saturday one week and Sunday the next, since the pick ups and drop offs and the driving during the week are what were causing him so much stress. Nothing is going to get better for him and hence, for my kids, until he can manage his stress and get his life back together.

I am having a really difficult time not being angry and grumpy and negative. It's hard not asking myself, "Why me?" and feeling sorry for myself. I'm having an even more challenging time not saying mean things to him but I know that doing that will only put him in an even more negative and distraught state of mind and that's the last thing that I want to do, for my kids' sake.

For now, I'm enjoying the extra time with my kids. There is a marked difference in their behavior just in the last week; everyone has noticed it (my Mom, me, my son's teacher, and my daughter's daycare provider). They have always been pretty well behaved kids but lately, they have been even better. (You'd think that the opposite would be true, right?) They have been more polite, more caring towards each other, and more snugly with me. It makes me feel even more certain in my decision that less time with MSTBE is what's best for them right now.

This situation is almost laughable because for the past couple of months, I'd been thinking how I really, truly had the best of both worlds. I had four days per week to spend with my kids and three days to spend getting things done and having "me time". I had gotten into yoga and my practice was going really well. I had joined a running group with the exceptional ladies that I mentioned previously in this post. I had time for an occasional girls' night out. As much as I missed my kids on those three days per week, I knew that having the time to do these things was making me a better mother to them when they were with me. The past nine days have been challenging. My patience has been a little thinner than usual and I've been exhausted. But my Mom reminded me of something that my Grandma always says: "C'est la vie, what will be, will be." That's life and this is something that I will get through. It is something that will make me stronger and help me to appreciate my life a little bit more than I already do.

January 23, 2016 - I'm Done Blaming Myself!

On my facebook page, I promised a blog post because I've been dealing with some heavy duty stuff and knew that I needed to write to feel some relief. But I've decided that writing about what's going on is not in my best interest: there is a potential legal fight in the works and I don't think that it is wise to write about details in a public place. Once there is a resolution, I will update here. Instead, I'm going to write about a revelation that I had today.

This blog post... I don't even know where to begin. I just happened across it when a friend shared it on facebook. (Yes, I'm on facebook too often and yes, I'm lame for being on facebook still instead of Twitter.) I started by scrolling, which is typically what I do when I open any kind of link, and saw that it was LONG. Not just kinda long, but really long. I almost skipped reading it but decided to give it a whirl and was sucked in immediately.

But wait a minute, let me back up. (You might be able to tell that I'm a bit all over the place tonight as I still don't completely have my head in the game.) Some background is necessary before I start talking to you about this blog and the revelation that it caused me to have.

I used to blame myself for the demise of my marriage. I did. Not in a broken up over it or beating myself up kind of way. But more in a reflective way, a way that would help me learn and grow. It never really bothered me much to think that I caused my divorce. Blaming myself didn't bother me because I don't wish that the divorce never happened. It didn't bother me because I have sincerely learned so much about myself and don't believe that I will behave the same if I ever do get into another serious relationship. It didn't bother me because I wasn't kicking myself, thinking that if I would have been different, things would have been different. Our marriage would have destructed even if I was a perfect partner because MSTBE was not a good partner and never would have been, no matter how different I could have been. But it still didn't feel good to think that my personality traits were the cause of a failed marriage.

When I read that blog post today, I realized that I have been wrong all along. I blamed myself for the demise of my marriage because I was critical. I blamed myself for the demise of my marriage because I must have had unrealistic expectations of what a partner could provide in terms of loving and caring, supporting, nurturing, and connecting emotionally and physically. But after reading that blog post today, I realized that there isn't only one side to the critical coin. And there isn't only one side to anything in any relationship. It seems so obvious, doesn't it? But I often wasn't seeing it.

Yes, I was critical, oftentimes insanely critical. But there is at least one man out there (the author of said blog post) that believes that if a woman asks her significant other to do something over and over again, it might actually be his fault that things went sour in the relationship if he decides that it's not important enough to do. He doesn't understand why it's important to her so screw her, right? But there's more to it than that and she isn't just nagging to nag.

I think that I started crying when I read this part:

"I don’t have to understand WHY she cares so much about that stupid glass.

I just have to understand and respect that she DOES. Then caring about her = putting glass in dishwasher.

Caring about her = keeping your laundry off the floor.

Caring about her = thoughtfully not tracking dirt or whatever on the floor she worked hard to clean.

Caring about her = taking care of kid-related things so she can just chill out for a little bit and not worry about anything.

Caring about her = 'Hey babe. Is there anything I can do today or pick up on my way home that will make your day better?'

Caring about her = a million little things that say 'I love you' more than speaking the words ever can."

Any woman knows that it's not about the glass being left by the sink or the baby bottles that aren't being washed properly. We aren't finding reasons to nag just to nag and we aren't trying to end your life outside of the marriage. We aren't simply being critical just because it's fun or enjoyable. It's not either. It's about feeling like your partner is in this life with you for the long haul and will be by your side. And when you're left alone with a six month old after running a half marathon the morning of Super Bowl Sunday so that your husband can go have drinks with a bunch of single friends, you don't feel those things. When he withdraws from her family events instead of engaging and becoming a part of the family, it doesn't feel like you have someone who is truly in it. The nagging and being critical is about so much more. It's about feeling respected and appreciated. It's about feeling loved. It's about being able to trust the partner that you promised the rest of your life to.

After reading that blog post, I'm done blaming myself! I don't put the blame all on MSTBE, either. But I'm done putting the burden of the blame on myself. And, on top of it, I have discovered that there's at least one man in the universe who seems to really "get it." Here's to hoping that there are plenty more out there!