April 20, 2015 ~ My Faith in Humanity, Restored

And when I say humanity, what I really mean is huMANity. My brothers and step Dad have restored my faith in men.

(First, let me mention that my Dad has always been my rock. The only reason that he's not in this post is because I didn't ask him to come early to my daughter's party to help me out. And even though she's not a man, I feel like I need to mention that my Mom isn't a part of this story because she was really sick.)

Yesterday was my daughter's second birthday party. My brothers both came over early to help me with the prep work. When my younger brother arrived, I asked him to hang some flower balloons that I made. I was reminded that it is possible to ask for help, give minimal direction, and trust that the job will be done well. I didn't have to explain in detail what I meant when I said that I wanted them hung "alternating colors." He said what he thought that I meant, he was right, and he hung the balloons. He hung them so that they were all similar heights and he adjusted the plan that I mentioned according to the number of balloons that I had made. I asked him to take care of filling the cooler with ice and beer and a bucket with ice and kids' drinks. He decided that filling the cooler at the time was a good idea but that he should wait to fill the bucket since it didn't have a lid and the ice would melt before people arrived. And, crazy as it sounds, the first time that there was a lull in preparation when it was closer to the start of the party, he went outside and filled the bucket without me having to ask. 

I'm seriously getting tears in my eyes as I type this. You probably think I'm crazy, but I'll explain.

In addition, both of my brothers helped me make tea sandwiches, again with very minimal instructions, and my younger brother helped me make butterflies with pretzels and dip (good 'ole Pinterest has made my parties so much more festive). When I gave him minimal instructions, he asked me to show him what it is that I wanted them to look like so that he didn't mess up the prep work that I had already done with them. I showed him one and he completed the rest.

Not only were all of the tasks done well, but they were done with love. Care went into them.

After everyone had left and I got the kids to bed, I laid down to relax for a little while before I went downstairs to do a crap ton of dishes and finish putting things away. I fell asleep. For an hour. When I went downstairs, my step Dad had emptied the clean dishes out of the dishwasher and put them away, loaded the dirty dishes that could go into the dishwasher, folded up the tables and brought them inside, and had started hand washing the dishes that couldn't go in the dishwasher. He actually knew which dishes were too delicate for the dishwasher! And he took the initiative to help me out!

You're probably thinking that I'm talking down to men; that I'm an angry divorced women who thinks that all men are awful and can't believe it when she's presented with men who are competent. Let me be clear: when I say these things, I don't mean them to sound degrading to men. The real deal is that it's as if I've been in some kind of one-man cult for the past nine years. I've been brainwashed. I've been conditioned to have to give detailed instructions without sounding too demanding, without emasculating, without controlling. I've had to figure out if it was worth asking for help when I knew that the help that I was going to get would be half assed, by someone who really didn't care if he did a good job. Was the frustration of a product that was the result of no heart worth the time saved or would it be easier just to do it all myself?

So let me explain. The tears that are welling up in my eyes are because I've been reminded by three men who have always been and always will be competent, helpful, loving, and caring that there are men out there who like to do a good job. They have helped me realize that I am not a person who is impossible to deal with and too demanding, that I am not too controlling and that my expectations are not too high. It may sound so simple to you, brothers and step Dad helping out for their niece/granddaughter's birthday, but it wasn't simple to me. It was a reminder of who I am. It helped me realize that some of the traits that I had labeled myself with while being in this one-man cult just aren't true characterizations. And I'm relieved.

And just for fun, here's a picture of my daughter, because it's her party and she'll cry (and tantrum) if she wants to.

April 7, 2015 ~ A Lesson for the Twenty-Somethings

I am incredibly lucky to have met a great group of ladies that started with a new Moms group that I joined when my son was only a few weeks old. Throughout the years, our group has grown in so many ways: more Moms have joined our circle, more babies have been born, and more love has evolved. We are all passionate about our children and make them top priority in our lives. One thing that makes this group of women so exceptional is that there is never any judgment. We all differ in so many ways but I have always felt supported by these women. They came to my rescue with food and help around the house when I threw my back out shortly after having my daughter was born. They have been caring and have offered a listening ear through my divorce. Every time I am around them I feel lifted up and supported.

As all new Moms have, we were told over and over again not to lose ourselves in our children. "Be sure to keep your identity in whatever ways possible." I heard it a thousand times and vowed that I wouldn't lose my identity as a person outside of being a Mom. But when you love a little human so immensely, you want to put all of your energy into making that person happy. And when you don't get a whole lot of help from your significant other, it's almost impossible to lead a balanced life. Without a doubt, I have lost myself in the almost four years since my son was born.

The "Moms" and I occasionally get together for girls' night but the majority of the times that we get together are child-centered, at birthday parties and play dates. When we do get out, we certainly enjoy ourselves. Last night some of us went to a Maroon 5 concert. Throughout the night, I noticed so many people sitting, staring at their phones, checking facebook or Twitter or sending email. They almost looked bored. Or like zombies. They may or may not have been annoyed by the Moms in the row behind them, dancing, singing, yelling, laughing, and having a fantastic time. But if they would have paid attention, they could have learned something from us. Instead of looking at a group of Moms who are whooping it up and thinking, "They need to get out more" (I know I used to think that) how about realizing that life is short? Let's enjoy the ride whenever we can and while we can.

As I am getting used to my daughter now spending three nights a week at MSTBE's house, having an empty house on those nights, I'm learning to reconnect with myself, redevelop hobbies that have gone by the wayside, and most importantly, to have fun. I feel like a person again, not just a Mom, and I am happier and more fulfilled. (If you know me or my blog at all, you know that I'm not saying that being a Mom is a bad thing but being only a Mom, not allowing yourself to have any other identity, can be.) I'm learning to get out there and have fun to the full extent possible when the opportunity presents itself. And to make myself a priority.

I leave you with a quote that I came across recently by Bipasha Basu, an Indian actress:

"I want to tell women that you need to love yourself and make yourself a priority. It's only when you are happy yourself, can you make everyone else around you happy. I am still a dreamer and believe in fairy tales, but there is only that much on should give another person. You need to keep something for yourself."

April 4, 2015 ~ And the Alternate Universe Continues

Tonight was the first weekend night that both of my babies slept away from me. And I was lucky enough to have my oldest friend, the friend that I've known longer than anyone else, the girl who has been there for me through so many crazy things in my life, go out with me for dinner and drinks.

We sat down for dinner at the sushi bar and shortly afterward, a new person was seated to my left. I had been turned to my right talking to my friend the whole time but I got distracted by the new person to my left. It was an attractive male sitting next to an older gentleman and he appeared to be helping him out in some way. At one point, I turned to my left and he turned to his right at the same time. Being that I'm not interested in a relationship or picking up on a guy, I had no problem just talking to him, despite his attractiveness, which would have made me nervous in the past, and mentioned how weird it was to sit next to someone with your back turned to them. I turned back to my friend but he continued the conversation by asking what was good. I answered and at another point, a few minutes later, I turned again and joined the conversation when the older gentleman asked about what I had just discussed with the younger gentleman.

As my friend and I were winding down our evening, I went to the restroom, where I do my best thinking (weird, I know), and wondered how I would respond if he asked me for my number. I was attracted to him but couldn't even imagine how I could date at this time in my life. My thought was that I'd give him my number and tell him upon the first phone call what my situation is.

And then what?

When I got back from the restroom, he was gone, in the restroom I  assumed because the older gentleman was still there, and he came back a minute or two later. We locked eyes for a minute and I thought about starting up a conversation but decided against it.

I won't be the persuer again. I sincerely believe that the man needs to be the persuer. This probably sounds sexist but I believe in biology. I believe that men need to feel like the persuer and I believe that it's  important  for a woman to feel persued.

The world with me dating doesn't even exist in my mind, yet I have no problem striking up a conversation with an attractive gentleman at the sushi bar.

This is an alternate universe. One night I have bath and bedtime at 6 pm and another night I'm striking up a convo at the sushi bar until 10 pm.