December 31, 2014 ~ Today Crushed Me

And it had nothing to do with New Years Eve. I've never been a fan of this holiday and it means very little to me.

If you've read a previous post, you know that MSTBE recently cut down his time with the kids because of work. My son has been having a difficult time with it. He regularly cries that he misses his Dad or that he wants to spend the night at his Dad's instead. It's been challenging to deal with on so many levels.

There's nothing that I can do to make it better for him, which kills me. I don't know what to say aside from telling him when he'll next see his Dad, offering to call MSTBE so that he can talk to him, trying to validate his feelings, and then as a last ditch effort I try to distract him with something.

But it's also been incredibly difficult because I feel so worthless and unappreciated. This is the part that is really slaying me not only because I'm having these feelings but mostly because I feel guilty for having them. I know that the way that he is behaving is completely normal. I know that he loves me and needs me in his life as much if not more than anyone else. But for some reason it still breaks my heart.

This is one of those things about being a parent where I need to learn something about myself in order to do a better job at raising my kids. What is it about myself that is causing me to have such a negative reaction to completely normal 3-year-old-going-through-a-divorce behavior and how do I keep it from affecting the way that I treat said 3 year old? I haven't had much of a chance to analyze it because I've been drowning my feelings with Watch What Happens Live and Candy Crush Soda Saga. That will be good enough for tonight. I will get to the analyzing in the light of day tomorrow.

Truly, I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2015. I know that my year will be looking up and I anticipate many great experiences.

December 30, 2014 ~ Always Learning About Myself: Temperament is Not Our "Fault"

I literally just went from laughing out loud to having a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in about 2 seconds flat. But I get tears in my eyes every time that I learn something new about myself. And that's been happening a lot lately.

I was laughing as I was driving home from Sprouts, thinking about something my daughter did yesterday. It was the end of the day, Frozen was on, and I was catching up on things on my phone (ie checking facebook). She was carrying my heavy glass water bottle around for no good reason then looked at me and said, "Put phone down! Fill it up!" All 20 months of her put those two sentences together and demanded that I jump to action. I laughed at the memory and thought, "Yup, that's my girl. She sure is a lot like me."

The thoughts that followed went so quickly that I couldn't possibly put them into the exact words nor express the speed at which they went through my mind but it went something like this.

Well, that's just her temperament. She was born that way. 

But wait, why do I get so angry at myself for having that same temperament 

but I don't get angry with either of my kids for their temperament?

And that's when I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. You see, they were almost tears of joy. Because I figured out something pretty major about the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I do believe that temperament is something that we're born with and something that we can't change. My temperament is similar to my daughter's (or hers is like mine) in that we are both very intense and persistent. Maybe that's putting it nicely. We are both demanding.

I've often looked down on myself and wished that I could be less of both of those things. It probably goes back to the first marriage counselor that MSTBE and I saw who seemed to think that if I could be more "soft" that our marriage would be more successful. Gosh, I'd like to get deeper into that experience but I think I'll have to save that for another post because it would take quite a while to write about.

So maybe now that I've had this realization that my temperament is not my "fault," which I sincerely believe, I will be a little bit easier on myself. Check out this link on temperament and see what you think. Are there things that you do which are related to your temperament that you allow yourself to feel badly about? How about we all take a vow to remind ourselves about temperament whenever we start thinking negatively about ourselves?

December 1, 2014 ~ A New Development; I'm Torn

I just found out that MSTBE has decided that he can't take responsibility for our children on one of the three days that he does anything for them. (On the day in question, he picks them up from daycare, takes them to the park, and drops our daughter off around 5 pm then takes our son to his house for the night.) I'm trying to type this without making it negative, focusing only on my experience of it. I'm having a difficult time. I don't want to focus on the anger or negative feelings because letting those things take over has never helped anyone. I'm sure you, as a reader, can imagine the anger that I'm feeling and, if you know me at all, you will probably have a few choice words for MSTBE going through your head as you read this. Instead of the anger, I will focus on the emotions and hope that writing about them and sharing them with you will help me work through them.

Here's why I'm torn. 

Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!

But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?

This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type. 

I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.

I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)

November 23, 2014 ~ There Was a Man

I had a dream last night. It made me feel a way that I haven't felt in a long time.It gave me a sense of peace, serenity, and calm. I don't remember all of the details but I remember enough.

I was rushing and trying to get something done for the kids. I don't know what it was but I could tell that it was something special, like an over the top birthday party. It was getting close to party time (or whatever-time) and I felt stressed and like I was running out of time. Like things weren't going to be perfect, the way that I wanted them to be.

There was a man. He knew me. He knew my insane drive to do everything and to do it impeccably well. He GOT me. And not only that, but he knew how to help me come down from the stress of having a deadline and not feeling in control. He knew what to say. And then he gave me a kiss and a hug.

I'm definitely not looking for a man to fix my "problems" and I hope that's not what this dream sounds like. Hell, I'm not looking for a man at all right now. If I ever decide to give a relationship another chance, the thing that I will be looking for is someone who can truly get to know me and balance me out. And someone that I can do the same for. I don't know if that's truly out there but a girl can hold out hope.

November 9, 2014 ~ A Letter to MSTBE

MSTBE,

You are clearly very angry with me. The nasty, ranting texts and emails that you have been sending me for the past three days are evidence of that. The way that you have been ignoring my presence at pick up and drop off is also evidence.

Here's my question: what, exactly, are you mad at me for? Wait, I know what you're mad at me for. You're mad because I'm accepting child support, which is breaking you. You're angry because you can't afford to live in the apartment by the beach that you chose to move into when we went separate ways. You're angry because you think that the only place that you can afford to live is 45 minutes away from your kids and that you won't be able to see them as much anymore. And you're particularly angry with me because I was able to find a very large house to share with my Mom in April and I can provide a nice home and a loving family for our kids, which is not an option for you.

So here's a better question: what would you have me do differently? Would you have me take less support than what the law has deemed fit? Would you have me take no child support and try to monetarily provide for our kids on my own? Would you feel better if I was living on my own, struggling, in a small house, not able to provide this environment for our kids? Or would it be better if I didn't have family members nearby who love our kids and who our kids love dearly?

Should I remind you of the many fair, generous things that I've done since we moved into separate houses in April? Yes, I got more of the furniture and kids' belongings when we split but that was simply because you didn't have the space for it in your one bedroom apartment. But when our son began feeling comfortable spending some time at your house, I sent him with a set of toys to keep there. And when he began spending the night, I sent him with half of his clothes even though it meant that I would have to buy more for him to keep here. (I am responsible for the kids' daycare bag each day, which requires me to have twice as many outfits as MSTBE, not to mention the fact that I make all of the bottles, wash all of the dishes, pack all of the snacks, etc.) When we began to discuss the logistics of our daughter spending the night, trying to figure out how you were going to make that work in a one bedroom apartment, I offered to pay for half of a new crib for her since I got the crib that we purchased together. In fact, let me take it way back to the beginning of our divorce discussions. I agreed to allow you to pay child support as if you had the kids 25% of the time even though, in the beginning, you only had them about 5% of the time and now you have them about 20% of the time.

Despite me being incredibly fair and honest for the past seven months, you continue to blame me for your monetary woes. The last three days have been almost as bad as the week after we met with the mediator for the first time when you were told that you would have to pay support or the week before we parted ways when that became a reality.(I'm not going to go further into the fact that you thought you weren't going to have to pay support at all.) 

But I will never share these feelings with you because I know that you won't care. Presenting logical arguments will only make you more angry and these thoughts won't change anything. I am writing this for myself. After my run this morning, as I was waiting for you to drop the kids off, I began to realize that I feel badly that you are so angry. That's just who I am; I don't like to see people hurt or struggling. But you know what, I am going to continue to remind myself every day, every hour if necessary, that I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't deserve to be treated the way that you are treating me. I wish that you were a happier person because I don't want your negativity rubbing off on our kids but there's nothing that I can do to help you be happier. Maybe someday things will change. In the meantime, I will continue to be the positive person that I am and I'm going to do my best to stop allowing you to make me physically sick with this behavior.

Signed,
Someone Who Doesn't Give a Damn Anymore

November 6, 2014 ~ I Don't Think That I Should Be Blogging Right Now

I probably shouldn't be writing right now.  I've been drinking.  I'm wallowing in ass hole-ness with prosecco and white wine (and dark chocolate, and gorgonzola and pretzels, and mini ice cream drumsticks). MSTBE is in rare form lately, having issues with money, as usual. He gets pissed off any time something monetary comes up because God forbid he support his children to the extent of the law. (I rarely use alcohol as a coping mechanism so there's no need to worry about me.)

Here's the point: I find that when my emotions are most raw, I am the most honest with myself. I put on a brave front day to day; I act strong and just keep on keeping on. I "Just do it." I do the best that I can to be the most awesome Mom that I can be and that is my focus. Ask anyone who knows me: they will probably tell you that I'm in the top five strongest people that they know. But when my emotions are raw, I begin to break down. I'm not so strong. I wish that I didn't have to do this on my own. As I was typing this, I just began to imagine a life where I had a partner supporting me and the kids and the thought hurt so badly that I couldn't continue. I thought about having someone around to play with and love the kids while I'm making dinner and the tears began flowing. Can you imagine if I let myself dream even more? I wish that I had someone to rely on every day, for everything. I wish that I had someone who would take care of me instead of me taking care of them. I JUST WANT ONE DAY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES! I wonder, "When do I get to experience an easier life?"

I struggle with these feelings because I've always taken pride in being strong, in being able to do it all on my own and do it well. I don't like feeling like I NEED help.  I know that I don't need help. I can do anything on my own and I can do it better than most people. No offense, but that's who I am (and I know that because I've been through tons of counseling that has confirmed it).

But you know what, damn it, I want some help. As awful as this sounds, I want to meet someone who can take care of me, emotionally AND financially. As often as I remind myself how lucky I am to have two amazing kids I wish that my life could be a little bit easier. I know that my life isn't awful. But I also know that I've always felt like I've struggled even just a little bit, whether it be monetarily, or the feeling of being in an awful relationship that you can't get out of (I'm sure I'll get into my college relationship at some point), or the struggle that comes with working on your masters while working full time, or being in an unhappy marriage, and so much more. I want a break from that. I want a time period in my life where I don't feel like I'm struggling for something. I just want a break. I want some help and I want some unconditional support and love.

July 29, 2014 ~ This Arrangement is Too Difficult

This is a post that I wrote late in the summer, three months after I moved into my own house and only about a month before our custody arrangement changed. Now, my son is spending three nights per week at MSTBE's house and I see MSTBE very minimally. He's in my house for minutes per week instead of hours. I'm publishing this old post because it reminds me to keep things in perspective; nothing lasts forever and I can make it through anything temporarily, no matter how difficult it is. Here's the post:


In case you don't know (like you haven't read all of my riveting posts - yeah right!), I see MSTBE quite often and he is in my house most evenings. I won't go into the details because those of you that have read all of my posts have read the details twice already. (If you haven't read about our weird, temporary custody arrangement, read this: Sometimes I Feel Like We're Doing This Right (If There is Such a Thing.) But this arrangement is just getting too difficult.

This morning, while we were getting ready, my son told me that MSTBE was looking in my closet yesterday and when he asked MSTBE what he was doing, MSTBE told him that he was looking to see what color shirts I have. What in the hell was he doing looking in my closet?  He doesn't realize that my son tells me everything that seems fishy or different in any way. He was trying to cover it up with my son by making up a lie about what he was doing. (For more about the lying, refer to my previous post: Why Does He Have to Lie?)  Seriously, what kind of creeper is he?

Yes, MSTBE is regularly in my bedroom with my son while I put my daughter to bed. Yes, it is a weird arrangement. I don't have a television in the living room and my son likes to watch Curious George before he goes to bed so they hang out together in my room. MSTBE sits in my little sitting area and my son hangs out on my bed. It was incredibly awkward at first but I had gotten used to it. Now I just don't know what to do. I haven't trusted him in a very long time but I didn't think he'd do things like sneak around in my closet and steal diapers from me. Oh wait, do you not know about that? Yes, he was stealing diapers from me, smuggling them out of the house even though it clearly states in the divorce paperwork that we are each to have our own supply.

October 20, 2014 ~ Now How Am I Going to Be An Optimist About This

I got choked up in the car this afternoon while driving with both of my kids to my son's basketball class. This song came on the radio and it took me back in time.







First, let me take you back even further than half a year. I have and always will be a hopeless optimist. I take pride in being optimistic and in trying to find the positive in any and all situations. I also believe that even in crappy situations there is always something to be learned that will positively effect our lives in some way. I will never be the person who expects the worst from a situation and I'm pretty much a "Make it Work" pro (for any Tim Gunn fans out there).


So when I was experiencing the most difficult time of my life from Spring 2013 until I finally moved into my own house in April 2014, separate from MSTBE, this song really struck a cord. Every time I heard it, I wondered, "Now how AM I going to be an optimist about THIS?"  I knew that I could find a way, even while I was struggling to figure out if my marriage was over. I had faith in my optimism and often found little glimmers of hope to stay positive. I was terrified of being away from my kids even one night per week, but I forced myself to think about having some "Me Time" and being able to get back to my hobbies. I was afraid of the change that came along with ending a seven year relationship, but I constantly reminded myself that I wasn't happy and that I had come to the conclusion that nothing could be done to make me happy in this relationship.


When I heard this song today, I got choked up because it brought me back to a time when I occasionally doubted my optimism. I guess I could say that optimism is kind of like my religion. Can you imagine being faced with a situation where you doubted your religion? Maybe you have and you know how it feels. Needless to say, I am glad that it was only a temporary lapse in faith and my full optimism has been restored completely.


P.S. I know I mentioned in the last post that I made, which seems like quite some time ago, that I was hoping to be writing more often. I had been in over my head adjusting to a new school year with a new lifestyle. I am still adjusting, taking on too much responsibility at work, and trying to exercise and lose weight to boot. I am often pretty exhausted by the time my babes are in bed at night. Writing takes a lot out of me. It is emotionally challenging and also, I am a perfectionist; I read everything three times (or seven), making changes each time, before I post. I will continue to blog. I will find more time to blog soon because it is very healing for me. I will make my blog more "modern" and start including pictures, add pages, and change the design to be more "Me." And I plan to write a series of posts about how I did get here, which was my intention from day one and why I picked the title. It will happen. I'm not giving up on this. As always, thanks for reading.

September 24, 2014 ~ Am I Whole?

Today I saw my counselor for a little bit of "maintenance". I saw her fairly regularly about four years ago when I was learning to truly examine my feelings and behavior. I also saw her with MSTBE more than a handful of times after the quick fix that a previous marriage counselor had helped us with wore off. I've seen her for "maintenance" a few times throughout the years. Today was a follow up to an appointment about five weeks ago that I had scheduled because I was feeling incredibly out of control in my dealings with my three year old son. He was pushing my daughter, tackling her, etc so much that I had begun yelling at him, which is not something that I normally do. I'm usually pretty good about stopping and dealing with the situation instead of letting my emotions or fear or frustration get the best of me.

Today I didn't have a whole lot to talk to her about. And it felt good. I'm not certain what's happened in the last five weeks but I have this amazing sense of peace about me. I have come to the realization that I need to relax and not always try to be in control; I was never in control to begin with. I've decided not to let other peoples' actions frustrate me when they have not direct consequence on my life. I don't stress out (as much) when I'm running five minutes late because people know me, they know that I value their time, and they know that I wouldn't be late for no good reason. I don't try to plan for every possible situation that could ever happen in the future; I always used to have a Plan A, B, C and D for everything and I'm not doing that anymore. I've handled situations with my kids in a much more calm, loving manner and I can see that my son is picking up on it. And I've started to give myself a break a little bit more.

I've always been an "I Can Do It All" type of person. But you know what, it's actually kind of nice not trying to do it all. Right now, I have laundry sitting on the bench at the foot of my bed. My son is at MSTBE's house so at the very least, I could put the new sheets on his bed and hang his and my clothes. But instead, I'm catching up on Season 1 of The Blacklist (which I'm OBSESSED with) and typing this, gathering some peace of mind. I've taken Me Time every weekend for the past month to paint my fingernails.

I wish that I could pinpoint something that has happened in the last five weeks to have caused such a drastic change in my being. Either way, I'm happy that it happened, whatever "it" is.

P.S. I'm sorry for the decreased blog activity; I'm back to work after having the summer off and I'm still getting back into the swing of things.  I hope to post every week starting very soon.

September 6, 2014 ~ Learning Who Will Really Be There

Why does it seem that just when I'm realizing how truly important friends and family are, when I'm learning to value quality time with the people whom I love the most, and when I've finally made a commitment to making more time for these people, I'm smacked in the face with the fact that some of the people whom I thought that I could count on the most are not truly there for me?

I guess when I think about it, this has happened before and isn't altogether uncommon. I felt this same pang just over six years ago when I got married and I have had so many friends mention the same thing when they got married. Do you know what I'm talking about? It's the feeling that you get when you are going through something important in your life and you need to be able to lean on someone, either for support in a difficult time or just to have them be present during a special time in your life, and they let you fall flat on your face. For me, it's a matter of the person or people not making me a priority.

What makes it so much more hurtful is that I wonder if I've done something to cause the behavior. Was I not a good enough friend? Did I say something wrong without realizing it? I guess that goes back to insecurities that I have with myself though and isn't really about them.

Because my extended family lives out of state and I've lived in many different regions of Southern California throughout my life, I don't feel like I have a lot of "people." You know, people whom I can count on. A crew. Friends whom I consider family. Whatever you want to call it. And that makes it even more difficult when I realize that someone whom I thought was, in fact, one of my "people" maybe doesn't consider me one of her "people."

I think that part of this hurt is about growing up. I've decided that I'm not anymore going to deal with some of the crap that I've routinely dealt with. I used to allow people to put me on the side burner of their lives, always being there whenever they had time for me, but I'm done with that. Life is too short to be treated poorly and made to feel less important.

The pang stings a bit worse when I think about my kids. I want them to have people.  I want them to have a solid crew that they can count on. 

I've started watching "The Wahlburgers." It's a pretty silly reality TV show about the Wahlberg family and a couple of restaurants that they've opened up. But the reason that I mention it is because they are a family with an amazingly tight bond and they have a group of friends whom they are so incredibly close with, even though they are celebrities and travel and have insane schedules. I'm sure they have problems in their lives, don't get me wrong. But seeing the support that they get from each other and their friends truly makes me jealous.

August 28, 2014 ~ This Isn't Fair

I never thought that a three year old could break my heart. I have always known that eventually my kids would say they hate me or call me mean. Knowing that those things are completely normal and that every kid on the planet says something like that at some point, I expect that it'll roll right off my shoulders when it does happen. I'm pretty strong and unemotional about things like that; I don't take them personally.

But tonight, my son broke my heart. After spending two nights in a row at his Dad's, which is out of the norm but happened because our schedule is thrown off this week, my son has been asking to go back to his Dad's tonight. He even told me that he'd rather be at daycare than at my house. After a few times hearing it, I couldn't help but start crying right in front of both of my kids. My emotions got the best of me and I couldn't help but take it personally. I know why it hit me so hard and I know why he feels this way and it's the same reason that "This Isn't Fair."

There are three major reasons. 

My daughter is still spending every night at home. She doesn't do well with new environments and she hasn't had a chance to get used to MSTBE's house. This means that when my son is at MSTBE's house, he gets undivided attention. When he's home, he has to share attention with a younger child who hasn't mastered speaking yet and thus needs a bit more attention than him.

Also, when he's with his sister at home, he often wrestles with her or knocks her down, which is most definitely a cry for attention. But he's not with his sister when he's at MSTBE's house and therefore he doesn't get disciplined for knocking into her or wrestling with her like he does when he's at home. 

And lastly, it's not fair because MSTBE doesn't have the day to day responsibilities of daycare hanging over his head (washing bottles, making bottles, putting together snacks, getting clothes ready, doing extra laundry, etc.). These responsibilities do one of two things: they either take time away from my kids or they take time away from what I call my sanity time.  Either way, it's negative.

This hit me so hard because I'm dying for some alone time with my boy.  We had 22.5 months of "Just you and me time" before my daughter was born and we've had very little in the last 16 months.  Not only am I desperate for some time alone with him, but I feel extremely guilty about the effect that this lack of alone time is having on him. 

As I was experiencing all of these emotions right in front of my children, I thought to myself, "I'm an adult.  I should be able to handle this in a better way." After all, he is a child and he doesn't really understand what he's saying, the effect that it had on me, or why he's feeling the way that he's feeling.  And as I'm typing this, I feel like I'm whining a bit.  And I know that this is probably a pretty normal part of the transition into divorce.  Right now, this is what's consuming my thoughts. This is what's making me very sad. This is what's making me cry. I might be whining. I know that it will pass.

Going through the roller coaster ride that was my life as I made it to the end of my marriage was by far the most difficult thing I've ever been through. But dealing with the guilt and sadness that I'm feeling because of my inability to have quality alone time with my son is taking a close second.

August 14, 2014 ~ Life is Too Short

Life is too short. Such a cliche but yup, I said it. I've been presented with mortality more than I'd like in the last year or so. To protect the privacy of those that are most dear to me, I won't go into much detail, but between diagnoses that will shorten the life of two people who are incredibly important to me, severe illness of a family member, and watching my kids grow up all too quickly, I've been thinking quite a bit about how short life is.

Now that I'm old enough to know that I have a lot more to learn about life (and not stuck in the age where I think that I know everything), I want to learn those lessons NOW! I want to be wise enough to know what I should be doing so that I don't look back on life with regrets. Because I know that there's more that I should be doing. And there are plenty of things that I should be doing differently. I know that I should put my phone away and enjoy time with my kids instead of sneaking a game of Candy Crush in while they're watching their favorite show after dinner. I know that I should make more time for family and friends, even if there isn't more time available. I know that I should treat myself better. I'm important, too, after all.

Particularly after learning the life lessons that a divorce has presented me with, I wish that I was wiser. I know that the walls that have built up are a problem but I don't know how to let anyone else in. But I long for a companion. I wish for more laughter in my life. I am more happy than I've been in a long time but I also know that there's so much more that life has to offer me.

And I want so desperately to be a better person. I'm buying seven books about building a better relationship with my kids through understanding them and their brains better. Seven. I know that my control issues are affecting my life and my kids' lives in a negative way so I've made an appointment with a counselor to try to work on them, yet again. Here's another case where good is not good enough for me. I know that I'm a good person and a good mother, but that's not enough. My kids deserve the best. I deserve the best. Maybe that's the issue that I need to get over more than anything - the pursuit of perfection. And maybe that's the moral of this "life is too short" story. When I look back on my life, I know that I'm going to realize that being hard on myself because I wasn't perfect was such a waste of energy. Considering that I'm consciously aware of that, why can't I stop thinking this way?

I don't really know how to end this post.  There's no happy ending, just the realization now more than ever that people are so important; judgement is so petty; happiness and laughter are essential; and life is short.

August 11, 2014 ~ I've Learned a Few Things About My Daughter Lately

In the past few days, I've learned a few things about my daughter, particularly since I've had much more one on one time with her because my son has spent two of the past three nights at his Dad's house. It has been bittersweet. I have enjoyed the time with my daughter oh so much. I have always felt badly that she didn't get even a fraction of the quality time that my son did as a baby almost all the way up to his second birthday. I guess that's a fact of life for all younger siblings. But the bitter part is that I miss my son dearly and don't feel like I ever get quality time with him anymore. The connection that I'm building stronger with my daughter is making me miss the one that I feel used to be stronger with my son.

Here are a few things that I've noticed or learned about my sweet 16 month old baby girl.

-She makes this cute, breathy "K" sound as I tell her that I love her and that it's time to go "nigh nigh" when I'm rocking with her before she goes to sleep. I hadn't had a chance to notice it previously because I'm almost always thinking about what my son is doing and wondering if he will be barging into my daughter's room. (He's usually watching Curious George or playing on his "puter" for a few minutes while I put her to sleep.)

-She really does love to snuggle. Sometimes. She loves it much more than I ever imagined. I used to joke that she never wanted to be touched because, from birth, she would kick me if I tried rocking her to sleep. She was like, "Get your hands off of me and let me fall asleep on my own!" She's still like that most of the time. She has a difficult time falling asleep in my arms unless she's exhausted. I know because I've been trying to rock her to sleep more during the past few days because I love having her sleep in my arms. She usually pushes away a bit still and is much happier being put into her crib to fall asleep. But when the house is quiet and we are winding down after dinner, she wants to be in my lap or laying on me in some way. And now that I think about it, she was always wanting to sit on me or in my lap or she laid her head on my leg when we went to a few concerts in the park this summer. She knows what she wants, when she wants it, and she has probably since conception.

-She loves to laugh. I feel so sad that I don't have more time on a day to day basis to just play and laugh with her. But in the past three days, I've had more time. And her laugh is awesome! She is such a happy kid and it's incredibly easy to make her laugh.

She has been noticing that her brother isn't around as much. Soon enough, she'll be spending these nights at her Dad's house, also, and I won't have this one on one time with her anymore. So I'm going to eat up every moment that I can!

August 10, 2014 ~ This is All Happening Too FAST!!!

I think that this is going to be a stream of consciousness, chaotic post.  I'm trying to wrap my head around the way that I'm feeling.

Last night was the first night that my son spent the night under a different roof than me.  After three years, two months, and four days of sleeping in the same house as me, the streak has ended.  In that three years, two months, and four days, I've missed bedtime a total of three times, one of which was when I was in the hospital after giving birth to my daughter.  Actually, I stayed in the hospital the minimum of 24 hours after labor because I wanted to get home to him so badly.  I have always taken pride in being there at the beginning and the end of each day of my kids' lives.  I had been asking him for several weeks, if not over a month, if he wanted to spend the night at his Dad's house.  I won't hesitate to admit that I was relieved every time he answered with a resounding "no."  One time, he said that he wanted to but then he woke up the next day and had changed his mind.  So when I asked him on Monday, I was a bit surprised when he thought about it and then answered yes excitedly.  I was even more surprised when he woke up on Tuesday with the same excitement.  At that point, I felt pretty confident that he would, in fact, spend Saturday night (last night) at his Dad's house.  I was stressed and anxious all week; I ate horribly the few nights leading up to last night because I am a stress eater.  I had honestly just started to think that I had overcome stress eating a few days before all of this.  And then the universe showed me that I was wrong.

I was sad and emotional much of the day yesterday.  (I also have another family health issue going on and it's been contributing to my emotional state of mind.)  I started crying in the car on the way home from a baby birthday party as my one year old daughter slept in the back.  But when we got home and she snuggled up to me on the couch for a good long while, I decided that it wasn't so bad.  When my son is around, I don't get to snuggle much with my daughter for one reason or another.  She clearly missed him at bath time so we called him and, of course, it was comforting to hear his voice and to know that he was having a good time.  Every time I went downstairs, I wanted to close the gate at the top of the stairs just in case my son got out of bed, but then I realized that I didn't need to.  And the first thing that my daughter did when she got out of bed was walk into his room and look at his bed, confused.  It makes me sad to think about that.

Initially when MSTBE and I had discussed allowing the kids to transition to the idea of spending nights in two homes, we said that we would let my son spend one night there for a couple of weeks, and then two nights, and eventually three nights as he was ready for it.  It was also going to be a nice transition for me.  Well, today when he was laying down for bed he said, "I want to spend the night at Daddy's house now."  I suggested that maybe he could spend Wednesday night there instead of waiting all the way until Friday, like we had previously discussed.  An hour after falling asleep, he woke up crying and asking to go to his Dad's.  When I asked him if he didn't want to spend the night here anymore, he said he wants to do one night here then one night there then one night here and so on.  I told him that I would send MSTBE a message and ask if he could spend tomorrow night there.

So this is the beginning of being without my son three nights per week.  I need to take a pause to compose myself for a minute.

Yes, I know that this is what's best for him, and if you've read even just a few of my posts, you know that my kids are my world and I put my feelings aside to give them the best in all aspects. But because they are my world, this is hitting me pretty hard.

And yes, I know that this is also good for me because eventually, when my daughter is also spending the night at MSTBE's house, I will be forced to do something more with my life than focus on my kids.  I will do things for myself and I will be a better person.  I get that.  I've thought through that and honestly, realizing that was one of the only things that made me brave enough to get a divorce because I was crippled by the fear of not having my kids around.

But knowing all of the above does not make this adjustment any easier.

August 7, 2014 ~ Coming to Terms

I've been having a difficult time wrapping my head around the idea that my baby boy is going to spend the night more than 20 feet away from me on Saturday.  Ok, so he's not my baby anymore.  And I knew this day was inevitable.  But that doesn't make it any easier.

I have been suggesting to him that he spend the night at his Dad's house for more than a few weeks now.  Had I not brought it up, MSTBE wouldn't have made it an issue for quite some time.  But I know that it's what's best for my son so I've talked to him about it.  I told him what they would do: he would go there for his nap on Saturday like he always does, then he would wake up and they would play, they would have dinner, he would take a bath, and then he would go to bed and wake up to have breakfast with his Dad.  He was never interested.  One night he said he wanted to but woke up the next day to a different tune.  (I do the majority of my talking with him as he's getting ready for bed.)

When I mentioned it to him on Tuesday and told him all of the details again, he said that Daddy doesn't have a bath, only a shower.  So I told him that he could take a shower instead of a bath and he got all excited.  I continued with the details of the evening and morning and he was gung ho.  And he's been gung ho ever since (today is Thursday, for reference).

I'm happy and excited for him.  But I'm also sad.  I've taken great pride in being the person who puts him to bed every single night.  I also love waking up to him in the morning and have done that a vast majority of his life.  Like I said in a previous post, it's been me and him for quite some time (or me, him, and his sister for the past year).

But the sadness is not just about seeing him to sleep at night and being the first person that he sees in the morning.  This is the first step toward both of my babies being away from me for several nights per week for the rest of their lives.  Eventually, they will both be spending three nights per week at MSTBE's house.  That is such a huge loss and I can't even describe how it feels.

In addition to that, I think about the lack of a life that I've had for the past three years.  My life has been all about my kids all of the time.  What am I going to do with myself when my kids are spending three nights away?  I don't have a life.  I don't have friends who can go out on a Wednesday night.  I don't have hobbies that don't involve my kids.  I know that all of these things are awful and that I'll be a better person when I do get out for some fun and redevelop some hobbies.  But I'm scared.  I'm scared.  I'm really, really scared.  The only thing that I can equate this to is the Mom who freaks out when her kids go off to college.  But I'm lucky, I guess, because I'm going to be forced to do these things that are good for me after only three years instead of 18.

A lot of the past few days I have spent feeling incredibly emotional and sad about the time that I won't have with my kids as well as scared about the idea of being alone.  I try to remind myself that it will be good for me and, in turn, good for my kids.  I will be a happier, more balanced person.  But I'm still scared and really sad.  I stayed in my marriage far too long because of this fear and it's still hanging over me.

I think it's time to rip the band aid off and deal with it.

August 4, 2014 ~ I Would Be a Much Better Mom if I Only Had One Kid

Does anyone else feel this way?

First, let me make it clear that I don't regret having two kids.  I love my kids more than life itself. I am glad that they have each other and I have always wanted to have two kids.

But seriously, doing this virtually on my own makes me feel like I'm doing a shitty job.

The thing that I've been wrestling with the most in the past couple of days has to do with my son (pun intended - keep reading).  He has been far too rough with my daughter from the time that she was born.  When she was an immobile baby, he used to poke her eyes.  Ever since she's been mobile, he has been knocking her down.  That's no big deal and totally normal, I'm sure. But when he knocks her down, lays on her, and smashes her face into the ground.  I start to get nervous.  When he steps or falls on her arm or leg, I worry that he's going to break something. When he grabs her legs out from under her in the bathtub, I really freak out.  

Last night, he pushed her down and had his arm around her torso, holding her down in the tub. Her face wasn't in the water but she was really upset and I completely lost my mind.  I grabbed him and said, "Let go of her!!!" in the most primal sounding voice that I've ever heard come out of my mouth (aside from when I was pushing a 9 lb 9 oz baby out of me without any drugs).  I ended up scratching his delicate skin with my nail that was just a little bit too long.  Then, of course, I felt awful.  I felt awful for flipping my lid.  I felt awful for yelling.  I felt awful for accidentally scratching him and making him cry.  But holy cow I was scared for her safety and went straight into Mama Bear protection mode.

I'm certain that it is, in part, a call for attention and a bit of jealousy.  Before my daughter was born, it was just my son and I for the most part.  He had my undivided attention.  And, as far as I can tell, he doesn't exhibit this behavior nearly as much when he's not around me.  So it's clearly a cry for attention from me.  And this is why I feel like an awful parent and know that I would be so much better if I only had one kid.  Being virtually a single parent, I just haven't been able to figure out how to get one on one time with my son.

I think that there's more to it than attention seeking and jealousy though.  I can't figure out that extra piece for the life of me.  I've read articles and all I get are suggestions that I've already tried.  Nothing seems to help.  And at barely 3 years old, he's just a little bit too young to be able to understand the emotions that he's having that are causing him to act out in such a way.

I've been beating myself up about the bath incident and just feeling like a crappy parent in general for a few days.  This goes back to my post about being too hard on myself.  I need to stop.  I really need to stop!  I am committed to going back to a counselor who I saw many years ago and who was also the second counselor that MSTBE and I saw as a couple just as we were coming to the conclusion that divorce was the answer to our problems.  I'm hoping that she will help me get past this longstanding issue that I have.  I can't keep living in this self-deprecating way.

August 2, 2014 ~ Family is What Really Matters

Here's another title that sounds so obvious.  But I took my family for granted for a long time.  I wanted to do something more fun or hang with new people in my life instead of going to another family function when I was in my twenties.  I think that it's pretty normal to have that phase in your twenties when you'd rather do things with "cooler" people but I still wish that I could get some of that time back. I used to think that I was busy but now that I have two kids mostly on my own, I realize that I didn't know the meaning of the word "busy."  

Now, particularly after going through a divorce, I see that there's nothing more important than family.  The person whom I thought was going to be my forever is no longer around.  But my family will always be by my side, that is something that I can count on.  I am lucky to have the support system that I have and I don't take it for granted any more.

June 23, 2014 ~ A New House

I started this post a month ago but hadn't had a chance to finalize my thoughts and edit it.  So here is the final draft. 

"Tonight I found myself lingering on the happy feeling of having my bedroom unpacked and having hung something on a wall (and yes, I do mean one thing on one wall). It took six weeks but who's counting? I'm sitting in my new bedroom thinking that it must be too good to be true. 

In our old house, I didn't have a bedroom to call my own for a year.  It wasn't an ideal house for us from the get go but we were in a time crunch as we had sold our house and needed to be out.  We literally signed the lease a few days before we closed escrow.  Our master bedroom was upstairs and the two extra bedrooms were downstairs, one for my son and the other was MSTBE's office (my daughter hadn't even been conceived when we moved in).  My son was 10 months old and I was still nursing him at night at least a couple of times.  I didn't want to chug up and down the stairs several times per night so I slept in the office.  Three months later, I was pregnant with my daughter and two months after that, my son started sleeping through the night (with a lot of help and training).  I could have moved into the master with MSTBE upstairs but I was finally getting a good night's sleep after over fifteen months of waking countless times and I was dealing with first trimester exhaustion.  And MSTBE was an awful sleeper - he fidgeted and his nose squeaked and I am an incredibly light sleeper.  So I continued to sleep in the office.  And then things took a turn for the worse in our relationship again so I kept sleeping in the office.  Things were up and down but I never had the desire to move up into the master. And when my daughter was born, the office became her bedroom.  And four days after she was born, the bomb d word was dropped and things were worse than they had ever been.  (Yes, MSTBE dropped the d word four days after my daughter was born, on 4/20/13.  I will never forget that date.  It was the worst day of my life, by far.)  So I slept in her room with her for the remaining year of our lease (a good nine months of which were just living out the lease knowing that we were calling it quits).  

It was pretty difficult not having a place to call my own during the worst time in our marriage. When the kids went to sleep at 7 pm, I was stuck spending the rest of the evening in the living room whether I wanted to be or not.  I had no place to hide.  I ended up going to sleep really early for quite a long time, partly because I was avoiding MSTBE and partly because my kids were the worst sleepers as babies.  I needed to go to sleep at 8:30 pm because of all of the upcoming wake ups otherwise I wouldn't be able to function the next day.

So when I say that it seems too good to be true, I really mean it.  I have this big mater bedroom with a small sitting area, a huge walk in closet all to myself (I have so much space that I hang my scarves, my bras, my purses, and all of my skinny clothes as motivation), and a bathroom and vanity area that isn't filled with kid's toys.  I've decorated it with my favorite water color paintings from my first trip to Italy and an old painting that I had hanging in my condo long before I met MSTBE.  I bought some pretty pillows for my bed and have a color scheme that I love with a beautiful deep turquoise lamp, among other things.  I'm incredibly happy with the house that we're in and plan on staying here five years while I save to buy a house. 

As I'm feeling all of these great feelings, I think, "What's going to happen in this house?" There are so many possibilities. Will I fall in love in this house? I hesitate to even think that let alone type it. What will happen with my babies, the loves of my lives, in this house? What does this house have in store for me as a woman and for us as a family? It's such an exhilarating and happy question to ask and I'm so excited to learn the answers, day by day."

I'm feeling even more content tonight as I've finished decorating my room, I unpacked the last three lingering boxes, and I have hung pictures in my baby girl's room.  I have a few finishing touches left to do in the kiddos' rooms and pictures to hang in the hallway but that's about it. This house is beginning to feel more and more like a home.

July 23, 2014 ~ Obvious Statement: I Am Much Nicer to People Who Are Nice to Me

You're thinking, "Duh! Why bother with a post about it?"

I'm just thinking out loud here. As I was driving home from Trader Joe's, thinking about how things have been between MSTBE and myself for the past year or so, I realized that he really hasn't figured me out even though we've know each other for over eight years.

First, let me give you some background. When we initially met with the lawyer that is mediating our divorce, MSTBE had a conniption when he found out he was going to have to pay support. "I thought that since she gets to spend more time with them, I wouldn't have to pay anything."

I'll pause here so that you have time to stop laughing or to give you a moment to day, "Are you f-ing kidding?!?!"

Anyway, I've never seen him behave as ugly as he did for the week or so following" this meeting. It was so awful that I don't even want to remember the details so that I can write about them. And then, a few months later, when we moved into separate houses (finally), money came up again and we were back in the midst of an awful week.

What I realized this morning is that, had he been nice and talked through things rationally with me, I would have compromised more. Maybe I would've agreed to less support than I'm legally obligated to. Maybe I would've decided to pay for all of the kids' diapers until they were actually staying at his house (even though the law clearly states that we are each to have our own supplies). Maybe those things would've been stupid to do, maybe not.

I am the type of person who would return money to the rightful owner if I found it and knew or was able to figure out who lost it. I feel guilty if I walkout of the grocery store with water under my shopping cart that the checker never scanned. In fact, I always try to remember to point it out. I don't want a free ride in any sense.

As I'm writing this, it still astonishes me that MSTBE hasn't figured out how to "play me" or to make things work a little more in his favor. I'm also astonished by the fact that I still didn't know h as well as I had thought after five years, when we had our first baby together.

Thanks for listening to my thinking out loud post. It was on my mind and I wanted to get it out.

July 17, 2014 ~ My Worth Is Not Measured by How Much I Can Get Done in a Day

Why does this seem like such a revelation to me?  Seriously.  I came to this conclusion last week when I realized that I feel better about myself on days that my kids are at daycare and I can accomplish a lot compared to days that I spend with my children making precious memories.  This was absolutely shocking to me even though it's really been true in different ways throughout my life.  (I've not always been making memories with my children, as my oldest is only 3, but making memories with friends, family, etc.)

You see, I'm the type of person that makes lists and I feel incredibly validated when I check something off of my list.  When I don't get anything productive done, I feel worthless.  I don't know how this became my mindset but it has been for as long as I can remember.  Along with this go, go, go frame of mind comes being impatient with my children, dragging my self esteem down if I don't get enough done, and being less accepting of other peoples' faults.  I think I'll have to write about my issue with personal accountability and other peoples' faults another time because this post will be too long if I try to cram it in here.

Here's the cool thing: as soon as I realized this consciously (because I've known it subconsciously forever, I think), I stopped.  I'm not joking.  Occasionally, when I get that feeling creeping up, the one that's telling me, "You're not doing anything and so you are worthless," I have to remind myself that it's better to be spending quality time with my kids or even taking some time to unwind for myself.

Truly, my worth is not measured by how much I can get done in a day.  I am a better person (more worthful, if I feel so inclined to make up a new word), more patient with my children and more accepting of others' faults, when I take time for myself.  So why this drive to go, go, go and get everything possible done in as little time as possible?

Lately I've been telling myself that it's alright to not have every minute of the day filled with something productive.  It feels great and in some weird way, it's also motivating.  I guess I feel like I want to show my expectations up or something.  I think that I've turned into one of those self-help book reading people.  I haven't actually purchased a self help book but I read so much on the internet: how to make time for yourself, finding ways to parent positively, different ways to discipline my children without yelling, information about our food sources...  The list goes on and on and on.  And, I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but I found three quotes all in one day that were really meaningful to me (one of them being the concept above, a quote from myself) so I typed them in a note on my iPhone, took a screen shot of it, and it is now my lock screen and home screen background.  Yup, my phone has motivational quotes as its background.

I guess the moral of this post (that went off on a bit of a tangent at the end and feels like it is filled with terrible grammar and sentence structure) is that we can have something going on in our heads for a very long time and not even realize that it's there.  And once we do realize it's there, it's such a relief and so easy to overcome.  I hope that this gets you thinking about the things that are going on in your head, particularly the ways that you talk negatively to yourself without realizing it, and that it helps you to start thinking more positively.  I know that I'm looking forward to finding more.

July 11, 2014 ~ I Struggle With Myself Every. Single. Day.

"Was I too harsh with my kids?  I should have handled that situation with them more calmly.  They are going to learn such negative behavior from me."  "How much of the divorce was my fault?  I was overly critical and impatient for a very long time."  "Does so-and-so think that I handled that situation with my kids badly?"  The whopper:  "Will I be the same with any other man who enters my life?  Will I always be critical no matter who he is?  And will this critical attitude spill over into my relationship with my kids?"

Is this kind of self-doubt normal?  And if so, why are we, as women, allowing ourselves to have such negative conversations in our heads?  And why do I care what other people think?

I think that I am generally viewed as a pretty confident person.  I am confident that I am an exceptional teacher.  I am confident that I know math very well.  I am confident in my cooking ability.  There are a lot of things that I am confident about.  But there are just as many things (if not more) that I am incredibly insecure about.  The two biggest things are how I'm raising my kids and my ability to have a successful relationship in the future.  Check that: there are a lot of things that I am confident about in regard to how I'm raising my kids.  I'm insecure about the ways that I discipline them.  I read so much about how to parent positively and raise children without yelling.  But I'm not great at it yet and I hear the tone that I take with them echoed in my son's voice sometimes.  It breaks my heart.  My kids are the most important thing in the world to me yet I can't find the patience to always treat them that way.

The second, less important point makes me think that I will be lacking that partner in crime that I wrote about the other day for a very long time.  I know the mistakes that I made in my marriage; I am very well aware of them.  (I've been through enough counseling to last a lifetime.)  The thing is, I am who I am.  I don't think that I can change.  I tried and tried so incredibly hard to stop being critical of MSTBE but I never could.  In fact, I'm still trying because I don't want my kids to see me interacting with him in such a negative way.  I wonder if I would be so critical with a person who thinks more like me.  Would I criticize a man that I respect more, who works really hard for his family and doesn't take the easy way out of situations?  Would I be able to make a relationship work with someone who could put me in my place when it is needed or would that make things even worse?

I've learned that in so many ways, expectations are problem causers.  I have incredibly high expectations of the people around me and when they don't meet those expectations, I'm let down.  (If you couldn't tell already, I also have incredibly high expectations of myself and I kick myself - very hard - when I don't meet them.)

I have told many people since making the decision to divorce that I just don't think my personality is right for marriage.  I don't want that to be true but I sincerely believe that it is.  I hope that I will "grow up" before I become old and grey by myself but I can't imagine how that's possibly going to happen.

Moral of the story:  I need to stop being so tough on myself, on the people around me, and especially on my kids, (even though I like to think that I'm only tough on them occasionally).  

July 10, 2014 ~ I Don't Have a Partner In Crime

I got choked up while driving home from Target yesterday.  It wasn't because I realized that I didn't know where my credit card was and couldn't remember the last time I had used it.  Nor was it because I spent altogether too much money.  It was because I don't have a partner in crime.

One of two things is probably going through your mind right now.  You're either wondering what in the heck I'm talking about or you know exactly what I'm talking about.

I bought a really cute outfit for my daughter (yes, I almost always get sucked into buying more than I went for).  I don't know exactly what made me think of this as I was driving but I really wanted to have someone at home to show it to.  Now, don't get me wrong, I show these kind of things to my Mom all of the time.  But somehow it's just not the same.  (No offense Mom.)  And I got choked up as I thought about all of the things that I wish for.

If I had a partner in crime, I'd not only have someone to go home to and share the excitement of the new outfit.  I'd have someone to support me, to pick up the slack when I've had a particularly challenging day.  Or just when I need a break.  I'd have someone to laugh with.  More importantly, I'd have someone to cry with.  I'd have someone to report the mundane details of my day to and I'd have someone to talk to about all of the important decisions that need to be made when you have kids.  I'd have someone to help me make those decisions.

As I was thinking about all of these things, I remembered that I never really had those even when I was married.  Initially, MSTBE's carefree attitude was one of the major things that attracted me to him.  Eventually I figured out that it wasn't so much a carefree attitude but a lack of caring in general.  About everything.  He had shut down his ability to care a long time ago and it took me far too long to realize it.  I didn't have support in my marriage.  I didn't have someone to turn to when I needed a listening ear or someone to get excited about something with.

In fact, there are two things that I will never forgive MSTBE for.  The first is the day that I found out that I was pregnant with my older child (my son) and the second is the day that I gave birth to my daughter.

I had put a lot of pressure on myself when we were initially trying to get pregnant.  I am a teacher and wanted to time the pregnancy just right so that I could get six weeks of maternity leave leading directly into the summer.  I also was incredibly stressed out about the concept that I could possibly be incapable of getting pregnant.  (I have grown a lot since then and don't put quite so much pressure on myself about things.)  When I took a pregnancy test on the morning that I found out that I was pregnant, I woke MSTBE up to tell him that it came out positive.  Excitement was not what I got from him.  Basically he said that I wasn't pregnant until a doctor told me I was pregnant and he went back to sleep.  I was heartbroken but excited at the same time because I knew that I was pregnant; I didn't need a doctor to tell me.

The second event, my daughter's birth, was the most amazing experience of my life.  Having my son was wonderful and one of the best days of my life but his birth was difficult and came with complications.  I had wanted to have a natural birth but due to these complications, I just couldn't.  But I was able to do a completely natural, drug free birth when I had my daughter and it was literally awe inspiring.  The unfortunate part is that MSTBE ruined the day and a half after her birth.  She was born at 4:56 am so my first meal of the day was breakfast.  I offered MSTBE some of my coffee and when he refused, I suggested that he go down to the cafeteria to get some.  I knew that he had an addiction to coffee and that it probably wouldn't be good if he didn't have any, particularly after being awake all night.  It wasn't good.  He got an incredibly terrible migraine, which turned into him taking a ridiculous quantity of ibuprofen (which I had recently found out was a fairly regular occurrence) on an empty stomach.  Guess what?  He got sick.  So for the day and a half after my daughter's birth, everybody that came into the room asked about him instead of focusing on me, my recovery, and how amazing it was that I had just had a natural birth.

I had no support in my marriage, even on the most important days.  I had nobody to share in my excitement about things.  I've been wanting those things so badly for so long.  I'm a really strong, independent person. I've been told how strong I am for as long as I can remember.  But here's the thing.  I'm tired of being strong.  I want to have somebody in my life to be strong for me.  I don't want to be the person who can do it all on my own.  I don't know if anybody else can understand this but I AM SO TIRED OF BEING STRONG!

July 6, 2014 ~ This Single Mom Gig is Tough!

I have ridiculously high standards for myself in every way: in my achievements at work, in the way that I treat others, in the food that I bring into our house, in staying on top of housework (I kick myself all too often on this one lately), and particularly in how I raise my kids. Perfection, whatever that means, is what I strive for. I really get upset with myself when I lose my temper; I beat myself up when I allow myself to forget that they're kids who are learning and are uncontrollable. (Control is a pretty major issue of mine but we can delve more deeply into that another time.)

I know that when I start doing things that I really get upset with myself about, I need a break. "Everyone needs a break," you're thinking. I agree. That's one of the big issues that caused my marriage to crumble. I wasn't offered any breaks and I didn't insist on them. I have the "I Can Do It All Myself" personality. I've learned in the past three years since having a kid (and then two!) that I can't. But somehow, subconsciously, I still hold myself to that standard.

But when I find myself losing patience more often than usual, I am reminded that I am not, in fact, Superwoman. I can do a lot. I've proven that time and time again, whether it be caring for a newborn with no experience and very little help, figuring out how to fix things or put complicated toys together completely on my own (or taking over a toy project from MSTBE - I'll have to write about that one sometime), or simply just keeping my shit together as much as possible on a day to day basis with two kids. However the times that I find myself where I'm at right now, I remember that I need to take care of myself occasionally. I need "Me Time" to decompress but more importantly, with my personality, I need time to get ahead of my shit, not just stay on top of it. Because, you see, when I have laundry that hasn't been put away for a few days or when I leave dishes in the sink until the morning, it really bothers me.

I think the bigger issue is overcoming this desire for perfection. But I do also need the "Me Time." My kids deserve the best Mom that they can get and they won't have that until I learn a little bit more balance.

July 5, 2015 ~ Cheese Sandwich: That Doesn't Feel Good

I try to feed myself and my kids as many whole foods as possible.  Minimally processed is also a goal.  I don't usually have American cheese singles in my refrigerator.

"What is she talking about?!?!"

I promise, there's a point.

A couple of weeks ago a wrote about a BBQ that we had here with MSTBE and his best friend, who was in town for a long weekend.  MSTBE brought some food over and left some American cheese singles.  They've been sitting on my shelf, untouched for two weeks.  I don't know why I haven't thrown them away but tonight I wish that I had.

When MSTBE and I were getting serious, I was ridiculously into the movie "Love & Sex."  There's a conversation in the movie between the two main characters when they are courting about whether it's possible to love the same person for the rest of your life.  John Favreau's character says that it's probably human nature to stop saying "I Love You," it becomes like saying, "cheese sandwich."  It ends up being the way that the couple says they love each other and, spoiler alert, after they break up and get back together, it comes back in the cutest way.  Here's the 45 second snip of the movie.  And now that I've watched that again, I think I'm going to obsess over the movie and watch it over and over again every time that I have the opportunity.  If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it.  I'm not much of an Indie movie lover but this one is an exception.

Ok, I definitely went off on a bit of a tangent there.  Back to the point.  I mentioned this part of the movie to MSTBE and possibly even had him watch it way back when we were dating.  The cheese sandwich thing became a small part of our "I Love You's" but it wasn't a daily thing by any means.  In fact, when we got married it had gone by the wayside.  But on our wedding day when I walked into the bride's changing room to get ready, there waiting for me was a tray of cheese sandwiches.  When I saw them, I cried tears of happiness.

How in the world did I get here?  How did this happen?  How does a couple go from such a sweet, loving, thoughtful gesture to the place that we're at now?  It's unfathomable.  As I sit here with tears rolling down my cheeks, months after having accepted that this is the best thing for everybody and truly believing it, I'm still shocked.  I hadn't thought about that moment in a very long time and it doesn't feel good to be reminded of it.

July 4, 2014 ~ MSTBE Has the Life

He really does. He gets to see his kids most afternoons/evenings before bed but doesn't have to deal with the meltdowns and poopy diapers. He gets to drop my son off on the Fourth of July after a few hours with him at a bounce house party and leaves to go see fireworks and drink with his friends afterward.

But you know what? I consider myself the lucky one. I get to rock with my one year old daughter every night as she drinks her bottle and goes to sleep. I get to kiss my three year old son his lasts kiss goodnight and say "Love you bye" every night. And I get to walk down the street with my son to see his first fireworks show.

My life is the furthest thing from glamorous. My life can be boring and tedious at times. And this is all my own creation. I'm the one who came up with this schedule and wanted to let the kids adjust to the idea of having two homes. I took this responsibility on and knew it would be difficult.

But I will never regret this time with my kids. There will be days in the future plenty of them, during which I have more "Me Time" than I know what to do with. When the kiddos are a bit older, they'll be spending up to three nights a week at MSTBE's house. So yes, I'm burned out, and yes, I make bad decisions as a Mom because of that. I'm not perfect. But I will forever cherish these "extra" moments that I get with my babes!

June 29, 2014 ~ Follow Me On facebook, There Are Lots of Fun Blurbs

Here are two things that I posted on facebook today.  Please follow me on my facebook page with the same name as this blog:

https://www.facebook.com/howdidigetherediaryofadivorce?ref_type=bookmark

"Ever since announcing my divorce to the world I feel like I have to go out looking my best at all times. I'm doing my "full make up" every day and paying attention to what I wear far more. I feel that I need to let everyone know that I'm ok. I AM ok. A year ago, I was a disaster. Six months ago, times were tough. But now, I'm ok. In fact, I'm good!"

Am I the only one that has felt this way?



"Yesterday I'm at an old friend's house, catching up with several great friends whom I don't see often enough because distance has come between us a bit. One of them comments on my sandals being cute (white Rainbows) and I tell her that they were actually my wedding sandals (I changed into them late in the night). She says, "That's ironic" and I must've given her the weirdest look because I didn't know what in the world she was talking about. This morning when I looked at the calendar I realized that yesterday would've been my 6 year wedding anniversary. Ha, obviously my first June 28 as an almost divorced person wasn't too difficult!"

June 29, 2014 ~ What I Want - My Dream Relationship, An Ongoing Post

I'm certain that I will think of things that I should have added here every single day.  I think about my posts and always want to add to them after I type them.  But this is going to be something that I obsess over because it's about something that I want.

Let me start by saying that I can't imagine ever getting married again.  I think that's a post in itself so I'll save the "Why?" for another day.  But I do think about it and what it would look like if I ever do change my mind.  Basically it's a list of "What Have I Learned From My Previous Experience?"

In this post, I'm going to focus on something that I've really been... craving.  I think that's the only word that really fits.  Craving.  I have been craving a connection with someone that is built on common interests.  There are some romantic notions that go through my head.  I have the desire to go wine tasting with someone.  I want somebody who loves to travel as much as I do.  But the craving that I'm talking about has more to do with the day to day connection.  I want someone who will go running with me.  I want to be able to sit down at night, have a beer, and watch our favorite TV show together.  On another night, we would be content reading books side by side in bed. One night we'd go out early with the kids to a family friendly restaurant and on yet another night, we would get dressed up and go out to a nice dinner and have drinks together after the kids had gone to bed.  

I guess these are all somewhat romantic notions and are also all things that are incredibly difficult to do when you have kids.  But my marriage with MSTBE was lacking common interests from the beginning and it's something that I kick myself about constantly.  How did I think it was okay to marry somebody that I had nothing in common with?  But that's the thing: I thought that we had things in common.  Shortly after we got married, I started getting frustrated with our lack of connection and MSTBE used to just blow it off and say we had nothing in common, like it was no big deal.  But it was a huge deal to me, so much so that I made a list one day of all the things that we had in common because I wanted to prove him wrong.  I don't remember what was on that list nor do I have any idea where it is but it was obviously enough to keep me going for a few more years.  We both tried to like things that the other person was into but faking it could never last.

Here's the vow that I'm making to myself, in front of all of the world to read (because this blog is available for all of the world, if they feel so inclined to read it):  IF I EVER GET MARRIED AGAIN, I WILL MARRY SOMEONE WHO HAS MANY SIMILAR INTERESTS!

Kids Really Show You Who You Are, The Good, The Bad, and The Ugly

I see myself in some of the ugly things that my three year old son does.  He yells, "Now!" and I think, "Oh boy, he got that from me, didn't he?"  I really need to work on my ability to stay even-keeled.  I see myself in some of the ugly things that my one year old daughter does.  She grabs the spoon that I'm trying to feed her with, throws it down, and then picks it up to feed herself.  I think she gets that from me, too.  I really need to work on not being so strong willed and stubborn.

It's worse when I see myself treating my kids in ways that I don't like.  Fortunately, it doesn't happen often and I have the sense to apologize after I do something ugly.  But it still happens sometimes.  Like when I lose my patience and yell.  I don't want to make my kids feel badly.  Nobody does.  And it makes me feel awful when I do.

I feel tempted to type, "Nobody's perfect though, right?"  But that's not good enough for me.  When it comes to my kids, it's just not good enough and I strive for the very best.  I guess I have that ideal in many aspects of my life but it is so much more important to me with my kids.

Here's the good thing:  I also see the positive aspects of my personality shine through in my kids.  I see my son share toys, say please and thank you without prompting, and show that he cares about other people and I know that these things are partly thanks to me (along with other people, I'm sure).

My kids have helped me grow so much as a person.  I see myself going with the flow so much more; I express myself and my feelings so much more; I am gaining patience.  One of my biggest goals in life has always been to learn about myself and I continually strive to be a better person.  My kids are helping me do this.