I never thought that a three year old could break my heart. I have always known that eventually my kids would say they hate me or call me mean. Knowing that those things are completely normal and that every kid on the planet says something like that at some point, I expect that it'll roll right off my shoulders when it does happen. I'm pretty strong and unemotional about things like that; I don't take them personally.
But tonight, my son broke my heart. After spending two nights in a row at his Dad's, which is out of the norm but happened because our schedule is thrown off this week, my son has been asking to go back to his Dad's tonight. He even told me that he'd rather be at daycare than at my house. After a few times hearing it, I couldn't help but start crying right in front of both of my kids. My emotions got the best of me and I couldn't help but take it personally. I know why it hit me so hard and I know why he feels this way and it's the same reason that "This Isn't Fair."
There are three major reasons.
My daughter is still spending every night at home. She doesn't do well with new environments and she hasn't had a chance to get used to MSTBE's house. This means that when my son is at MSTBE's house, he gets undivided attention. When he's home, he has to share attention with a younger child who hasn't mastered speaking yet and thus needs a bit more attention than him.
Also, when he's with his sister at home, he often wrestles with her or knocks her down, which is most definitely a cry for attention. But he's not with his sister when he's at MSTBE's house and therefore he doesn't get disciplined for knocking into her or wrestling with her like he does when he's at home.
And lastly, it's not fair because MSTBE doesn't have the day to day responsibilities of daycare hanging over his head (washing bottles, making bottles, putting together snacks, getting clothes ready, doing extra laundry, etc.). These responsibilities do one of two things: they either take time away from my kids or they take time away from what I call my sanity time. Either way, it's negative.
This hit me so hard because I'm dying for some alone time with my boy. We had 22.5 months of "Just you and me time" before my daughter was born and we've had very little in the last 16 months. Not only am I desperate for some time alone with him, but I feel extremely guilty about the effect that this lack of alone time is having on him.
As I was experiencing all of these emotions right in front of my children, I thought to myself, "I'm an adult. I should be able to handle this in a better way." After all, he is a child and he doesn't really understand what he's saying, the effect that it had on me, or why he's feeling the way that he's feeling. And as I'm typing this, I feel like I'm whining a bit. And I know that this is probably a pretty normal part of the transition into divorce. Right now, this is what's consuming my thoughts. This is what's making me very sad. This is what's making me cry. I might be whining. I know that it will pass.
Going through the roller coaster ride that was my life as I made it to the end of my marriage was by far the most difficult thing I've ever been through. But dealing with the guilt and sadness that I'm feeling because of my inability to have quality alone time with my son is taking a close second.
No comments:
Post a Comment