Does anyone else feel this way?
First, let me make it clear that I don't regret having two kids. I love my kids more than life itself. I am glad that they have each other and I have always wanted to have two kids.
But seriously, doing this virtually on my own makes me feel like I'm doing a shitty job.
The thing that I've been wrestling with the most in the past couple of days has to do with my son (pun intended - keep reading). He has been far too rough with my daughter from the time that she was born. When she was an immobile baby, he used to poke her eyes. Ever since she's been mobile, he has been knocking her down. That's no big deal and totally normal, I'm sure. But when he knocks her down, lays on her, and smashes her face into the ground. I start to get nervous. When he steps or falls on her arm or leg, I worry that he's going to break something. When he grabs her legs out from under her in the bathtub, I really freak out.
Last night, he pushed her down and had his arm around her torso, holding her down in the tub. Her face wasn't in the water but she was really upset and I completely lost my mind. I grabbed him and said, "Let go of her!!!" in the most primal sounding voice that I've ever heard come out of my mouth (aside from when I was pushing a 9 lb 9 oz baby out of me without any drugs). I ended up scratching his delicate skin with my nail that was just a little bit too long. Then, of course, I felt awful. I felt awful for flipping my lid. I felt awful for yelling. I felt awful for accidentally scratching him and making him cry. But holy cow I was scared for her safety and went straight into Mama Bear protection mode.
I'm certain that it is, in part, a call for attention and a bit of jealousy. Before my daughter was born, it was just my son and I for the most part. He had my undivided attention. And, as far as I can tell, he doesn't exhibit this behavior nearly as much when he's not around me. So it's clearly a cry for attention from me. And this is why I feel like an awful parent and know that I would be so much better if I only had one kid. Being virtually a single parent, I just haven't been able to figure out how to get one on one time with my son.
I think that there's more to it than attention seeking and jealousy though. I can't figure out that extra piece for the life of me. I've read articles and all I get are suggestions that I've already tried. Nothing seems to help. And at barely 3 years old, he's just a little bit too young to be able to understand the emotions that he's having that are causing him to act out in such a way.
I've been beating myself up about the bath incident and just feeling like a crappy parent in general for a few days. This goes back to my post about being too hard on myself. I need to stop. I really need to stop! I am committed to going back to a counselor who I saw many years ago and who was also the second counselor that MSTBE and I saw as a couple just as we were coming to the conclusion that divorce was the answer to our problems. I'm hoping that she will help me get past this longstanding issue that I have. I can't keep living in this self-deprecating way.
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