Life is too short. Such a cliche but yup, I said it. I've been presented with mortality more than I'd like in the last year or so. To protect the privacy of those that are most dear to me, I won't go into much detail, but between diagnoses that will shorten the life of two people who are incredibly important to me, severe illness of a family member, and watching my kids grow up all too quickly, I've been thinking quite a bit about how short life is.
Now that I'm old enough to know that I have a lot more to learn about life (and not stuck in the age where I think that I know everything), I want to learn those lessons NOW! I want to be wise enough to know what I should be doing so that I don't look back on life with regrets. Because I know that there's more that I should be doing. And there are plenty of things that I should be doing differently. I know that I should put my phone away and enjoy time with my kids instead of sneaking a game of Candy Crush in while they're watching their favorite show after dinner. I know that I should make more time for family and friends, even if there isn't more time available. I know that I should treat myself better. I'm important, too, after all.
Particularly after learning the life lessons that a divorce has presented me with, I wish that I was wiser. I know that the walls that have built up are a problem but I don't know how to let anyone else in. But I long for a companion. I wish for more laughter in my life. I am more happy than I've been in a long time but I also know that there's so much more that life has to offer me.
And I want so desperately to be a better person. I'm buying seven books about building a better relationship with my kids through understanding them and their brains better. Seven. I know that my control issues are affecting my life and my kids' lives in a negative way so I've made an appointment with a counselor to try to work on them, yet again. Here's another case where good is not good enough for me. I know that I'm a good person and a good mother, but that's not enough. My kids deserve the best. I deserve the best. Maybe that's the issue that I need to get over more than anything - the pursuit of perfection. And maybe that's the moral of this "life is too short" story. When I look back on my life, I know that I'm going to realize that being hard on myself because I wasn't perfect was such a waste of energy. Considering that I'm consciously aware of that, why can't I stop thinking this way?
I don't really know how to end this post. There's no happy ending, just the realization now more than ever that people are so important; judgement is so petty; happiness and laughter are essential; and life is short.
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