May 8, 2016 - The Dichotomy (or Trichotomy) of What I Want

Side note number 1: I got a new laptop so I will be blogging a lot more!!!

Side note number 2 (this one will be a bit longer): What a difference a few days makes. Yesterday I texted my hot yoga guy to see if he can do weekly yoga sessions. I'm getting a raise and decided that I want to put some of the extra money towards my health. I did seriously question whether I'd feel silly a year from now when this infatuation wears off for spending more money on yoga, wondering if I'm spending money for the yoga or for the male attention. But I came to the conclusion that it's mostly the yoga. Since I began working with him privately, I've become markedly stronger and I'm seeing major changes in my body. When I texted him, I told him that I completely understand if he doesn't have time because he's teaching classes twice a week and takes instructor classes regularly. And, to no surprise, he said that he doesn't have time. I texted a girlfriend this morning saying that it was the final nail in the coffin of hope that he had some interest in me beyond yoga, that maybe he didn't have a girlfriend anymore. But weirdly, I wasn't upset, and so I knew that the feelings I'd been having were not serious feelings. This morning when he came over for yoga, I felt totally different and it was so much nicer. I felt relaxed. I wasn't wondering what he was thinking the entire time. It was really nice! I must admit, I did have a moment of weakness when he was helping me get into a pose and I was pressing my foot into his six pack abs. But it was momentary.

And now I'll get to the point of this post.

There is an insane dichotomy or even trichotomy (did I just make up a word) of what I think that I want in a man. And it's based in the fact that there are so many aspects of my personality that are so completely different.

There's the side of me who buys organic and doesn't like to have any plastic in the house and diffuses essential oils and eats clean and does yoga.

Then there's the side of me who likes to wear skirts and dresses and high heels and go to fancy dinners and have nice things and feel like a girly girl.

And there's the side of me who likes to lounge around in casual clothes and not do my make up or wash my hair all weekend and eat cheeseburgers and fries and drink beer and Jameson on the rocks and hang with the guys.

There's another side of me who knows that I need a man who is stronger than me, a man who can let me have the reigns (or at least feel that way) the majority of the time but can take the reigns from me, with force, when necessary.

I guess that's even more than a trichotomy. It's very strange to me that all of these different sides of my personality manage to coexist. And it baffles me to think that there might be another human out there that would be compatible with all of these different aspects of my personality. But I guess that the good news is that I'm much more aware of my own personality than I was ten years ago when I met MSTBE. (Wow, I just realized that it really has been almost ten years. That's a strange thought.)

I think that not knowing ourselves is what got MSTBE and myself into a relationship that couldn't possibly have worked. We didn't know ourselves and definitely didn't know what we each needed in a partner. And so I move forward on this journey that is my life, learning about myself, learning to be a better Mom and friend, and possibly eventually learning to be a better partner to someone.

May 2, 2016 ~ Am I Blinded by the Dream or Was I Just Jaded Back Then?

Some of you may have read my post on my facebook page last night:

"I don't know what's going on with me lately. Every time I see a couple, on TV, on facebook, in life, my heart hurts. Sometimes I cry. My head and my heart are at odds. My head knows that I don't have time to even think about dating. My head knows that I have more important things in my life right now. My head knows that I'm happier with my life now than probably any other time. Apparently my heart didn't get the memo."

Let me first give you a bit of background into why I've been feeling this way. About 13 months ago, my kids started spending nights at MSTBE's house and I had a freedom that I hadn't experienced in four years. I joined a running group (previously mentioned in this post). I started doing yoga again. I was able to cook delicious meals for myself and actually sit down to enjoy them. I felt like I had the best of both worlds: I was a happy Mom when I had my kids because I had the time to do things for myself when they were at their Dad's. They went to his house on Mondays and Wednesdays, which brought a male yoga instructor into my life. When I was searching the class schedule at my yoga studio I was initially disappointed to have a male instructor because I'd never had one but his class was the only one that fit into my schedule. I ended up enjoying his class. I saw him as attractive but I wasn't attracted to him at all when I began attending; he's not "my type" because he has long hair and is barely as tall as me. Slowly as I attended his class more often, I got to know him and the attraction sparked. About six months into my experience with him he started taking more instructor classes and began doing adjustments to our poses in class. I remember texting a girlfriend after the first time he adjusted me. I had a tank top on and he touched my shoulders, skin to skin. I told my friend that his hands were like butter and satin and strength all wrapped together somehow.

About three months ago the schedule with my kids changed drastically (as discussed in this post) and I wasn't able to get into the yoga studio nearly as much. I spoke with my instructor outside of class and asked if he ever did private lessons. For the past two months, he's been coming over to my house in the evening 2-3 times per month to help me continue and advance my practice. There's something about yoga that opens up more than just the muscles and joints in my body, it opens up my heart and makes me feel vulnerable. And being able to trust a man when I feel vulnerable is not something that I'm used to. But I trust him. Here's the kicker: he has a girlfriend. And I think about him far more often than I should be thinking about someone who has a girlfriend.

When I think logically about the situation, I know that even if he didn't have a girlfriend, we shouldn't take things any further than practicing yoga together. It wouldn't be fair to him if he's interested in settling down and having kids. And I enjoy doing yoga with him so much that I don't want to complicate that part of it. And what if he's a bad kisser? Or vegan? Or any number of things that would make us a bad fit?  

As I drove to work this morning, I began reflecting on my facebook post last night. I had slept, I wasn't feeling emotional, and I felt like I could think more clearly about the way that I was feeling last night. I asked myself the question, "Am I blinded by the dream or was I just jaded back then?"

When my marriage initially fell apart, I began looking at the marriages around me. I started to ask myself if I would want to be the wife in any of those marriages. For the most part, the answer was no. Let me explain. My perception is that no relationship is perfect but many of them work on some level; overall they make my friends and family happy.  But after my divorce, I have been happier than I've ever been in my life. The idea of being in a relationship that could possibly make me less happy even some of the time just hasn't been attractive even though I know that many relationships make my friends and family more happy much of the time.

Until recently, I've felt very strong in this stance and haven't wavered at all. Friends would tell me that they know that there's somebody out there for me and I would internally laugh. "I don't need somebody, I'm good," I would think. And I really was and I still am, which is why I'm perplexed. I bought a house and moved about six weeks ago. I've been able to get back to practicing yoga regularly after a month of not being able to. I'm eating (mostly) healthfully. I just feel good! So why this sudden emotional response to seeing couples? It's not even a conscious reaction that I'm having. I see a couple snuggle on TV and my heart hurts, sometimes leading to a flood of tears that I have no control over.

So here's my question: have I allowed myself to forget the things that I hated about being in a relationship and begin believing that the dream of a long term commitment is actually possible? Or, when I came to the conclusion that a long term relationship wasn't in the cards, was I too hurt and broken to think anything else? I guess only time will tell. And I'm okay with that.