Last weekend I got some unexpected attention from a man. Let's call him Bar Guy to keep it simple. I was invited out with a large group to an all day event but only knew four of the people in the group. I had no expectation of the day except that I wanted to have fun. I did notice that one of the guys in the group, Bar Guy, was paying particular attention to me but I didn't think anything of it; I just thought he was a nice guy. This is actually funny because in the past year or so, on two separate occasions, I have mistook behavior of two nice guys as flirtation only to be disappointed to find out that they had girlfriends (see this blog post about my yoga instructor, as embarrassing as it is).
This attention and flirtation and short lived connection that I had with Bar Guy took me off guard. I had no clue that it was coming; the idea that I'd be flirted with that day wasn't even on my radar. And even as I've toyed with the idea of dating I didn't have any clue how good it would feel to have focused male attention. I felt attractive and cared for. I felt flirtatious and funny. I felt so many things that I haven't felt in a whole lot of years. It reminded me of times when I've felt the security of having a man there with me. The independent and strong woman inside of me is screaming as I type that but it's completely true. Even the inner feminist in me will admit that there's a sense of security that comes with having a man around and I just don't feel it when I'm on my own. The experience that I had last weekend made me long for more of the same.
I doubt that I will be seeing Bar Guy again because I don't think he had any idea what he was getting himself into when he took an interest in me - I'm 10 years older than him, divorced, and with two young kids. This is the curse of my life right now, looking a fair amount younger than I am. Young guys take an interest in me but the older guys that would be more appropriate think that I'm too young. I have no hurt feelings about his hesitation to pursue anything further. I feel like an old lady for saying this but he's a young guy and he's got a lot of living left to do. He doesn't need to be tied down to someone who is stuck at home with two kids five nights a week. That statement might sound really negative or like I resent my life but I don't. I've already lived the part of my life that he's in, going out to bars whenever I wanted, sleeping as late as I wanted, traveling, and so much more. He and I are in completely different chapters in our lives and I think that we're both very happy with where we're at.
I still can't imagine myself dating. As expressed previously in this blog post, which I feel shows an earlier stage of my evolution from hurt-freshly-divorced-woman-who-thinks-she'll-never-date-again to where I'm at now, I still have no desire to spend any amount of my free time sitting across from a stranger having awkward conversation. I'd still much rather spend that free time doing yoga, having a beer with girlfriends, or decompressing. But something is changing in me, slowly but surely, and sooner or later I'll end up on a date. That thought doesn't scare me anymore. I got a brief reminder of what it felt like to have a connection with a man and now I long for it.
