I got choked up while driving home from Target yesterday. It wasn't because I realized that I didn't know where my credit card was and couldn't remember the last time I had used it. Nor was it because I spent altogether too much money. It was because I don't have a partner in crime.
One of two things is probably going through your mind right now. You're either wondering what in the heck I'm talking about or you know exactly what I'm talking about.
I bought a really cute outfit for my daughter (yes, I almost always get sucked into buying more than I went for). I don't know exactly what made me think of this as I was driving but I really wanted to have someone at home to show it to. Now, don't get me wrong, I show these kind of things to my Mom all of the time. But somehow it's just not the same. (No offense Mom.) And I got choked up as I thought about all of the things that I wish for.
If I had a partner in crime, I'd not only have someone to go home to and share the excitement of the new outfit. I'd have someone to support me, to pick up the slack when I've had a particularly challenging day. Or just when I need a break. I'd have someone to laugh with. More importantly, I'd have someone to cry with. I'd have someone to report the mundane details of my day to and I'd have someone to talk to about all of the important decisions that need to be made when you have kids. I'd have someone to help me make those decisions.
As I was thinking about all of these things, I remembered that I never really had those even when I was married. Initially, MSTBE's carefree attitude was one of the major things that attracted me to him. Eventually I figured out that it wasn't so much a carefree attitude but a lack of caring in general. About everything. He had shut down his ability to care a long time ago and it took me far too long to realize it. I didn't have support in my marriage. I didn't have someone to turn to when I needed a listening ear or someone to get excited about something with.
In fact, there are two things that I will never forgive MSTBE for. The first is the day that I found out that I was pregnant with my older child (my son) and the second is the day that I gave birth to my daughter.
I had put a lot of pressure on myself when we were initially trying to get pregnant. I am a teacher and wanted to time the pregnancy just right so that I could get six weeks of maternity leave leading directly into the summer. I also was incredibly stressed out about the concept that I could possibly be incapable of getting pregnant. (I have grown a lot since then and don't put quite so much pressure on myself about things.) When I took a pregnancy test on the morning that I found out that I was pregnant, I woke MSTBE up to tell him that it came out positive. Excitement was not what I got from him. Basically he said that I wasn't pregnant until a doctor told me I was pregnant and he went back to sleep. I was heartbroken but excited at the same time because I knew that I was pregnant; I didn't need a doctor to tell me.
The second event, my daughter's birth, was the most amazing experience of my life. Having my son was wonderful and one of the best days of my life but his birth was difficult and came with complications. I had wanted to have a natural birth but due to these complications, I just couldn't. But I was able to do a completely natural, drug free birth when I had my daughter and it was literally awe inspiring. The unfortunate part is that MSTBE ruined the day and a half after her birth. She was born at 4:56 am so my first meal of the day was breakfast. I offered MSTBE some of my coffee and when he refused, I suggested that he go down to the cafeteria to get some. I knew that he had an addiction to coffee and that it probably wouldn't be good if he didn't have any, particularly after being awake all night. It wasn't good. He got an incredibly terrible migraine, which turned into him taking a ridiculous quantity of ibuprofen (which I had recently found out was a fairly regular occurrence) on an empty stomach. Guess what? He got sick. So for the day and a half after my daughter's birth, everybody that came into the room asked about him instead of focusing on me, my recovery, and how amazing it was that I had just had a natural birth.
I had no support in my marriage, even on the most important days. I had nobody to share in my excitement about things. I've been wanting those things so badly for so long. I'm a really strong, independent person. I've been told how strong I am for as long as I can remember. But here's the thing. I'm tired of being strong. I want to have somebody in my life to be strong for me. I don't want to be the person who can do it all on my own. I don't know if anybody else can understand this but I AM SO TIRED OF BEING STRONG!
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