Why does this seem like such a revelation to me? Seriously. I came to this conclusion last week when I realized that I feel better about myself on days that my kids are at daycare and I can accomplish a lot compared to days that I spend with my children making precious memories. This was absolutely shocking to me even though it's really been true in different ways throughout my life. (I've not always been making memories with my children, as my oldest is only 3, but making memories with friends, family, etc.)
You see, I'm the type of person that makes lists and I feel incredibly validated when I check something off of my list. When I don't get anything productive done, I feel worthless. I don't know how this became my mindset but it has been for as long as I can remember. Along with this go, go, go frame of mind comes being impatient with my children, dragging my self esteem down if I don't get enough done, and being less accepting of other peoples' faults. I think I'll have to write about my issue with personal accountability and other peoples' faults another time because this post will be too long if I try to cram it in here.
Here's the cool thing: as soon as I realized this consciously (because I've known it subconsciously forever, I think), I stopped. I'm not joking. Occasionally, when I get that feeling creeping up, the one that's telling me, "You're not doing anything and so you are worthless," I have to remind myself that it's better to be spending quality time with my kids or even taking some time to unwind for myself.
Truly, my worth is not measured by how much I can get done in a day. I am a better person (more worthful, if I feel so inclined to make up a new word), more patient with my children and more accepting of others' faults, when I take time for myself. So why this drive to go, go, go and get everything possible done in as little time as possible?
Lately I've been telling myself that it's alright to not have every minute of the day filled with something productive. It feels great and in some weird way, it's also motivating. I guess I feel like I want to show my expectations up or something. I think that I've turned into one of those self-help book reading people. I haven't actually purchased a self help book but I read so much on the internet: how to make time for yourself, finding ways to parent positively, different ways to discipline my children without yelling, information about our food sources... The list goes on and on and on. And, I'm a little bit embarrassed to admit this, but I found three quotes all in one day that were really meaningful to me (one of them being the concept above, a quote from myself) so I typed them in a note on my iPhone, took a screen shot of it, and it is now my lock screen and home screen background. Yup, my phone has motivational quotes as its background.
I guess the moral of this post (that went off on a bit of a tangent at the end and feels like it is filled with terrible grammar and sentence structure) is that we can have something going on in our heads for a very long time and not even realize that it's there. And once we do realize it's there, it's such a relief and so easy to overcome. I hope that this gets you thinking about the things that are going on in your head, particularly the ways that you talk negatively to yourself without realizing it, and that it helps you to start thinking more positively. I know that I'm looking forward to finding more.
No comments:
Post a Comment