Today I saw my counselor for a little bit of "maintenance". I saw her fairly regularly about four years ago when I was learning to truly examine my feelings and behavior. I also saw her with MSTBE more than a handful of times after the quick fix that a previous marriage counselor had helped us with wore off. I've seen her for "maintenance" a few times throughout the years. Today was a follow up to an appointment about five weeks ago that I had scheduled because I was feeling incredibly out of control in my dealings with my three year old son. He was pushing my daughter, tackling her, etc so much that I had begun yelling at him, which is not something that I normally do. I'm usually pretty good about stopping and dealing with the situation instead of letting my emotions or fear or frustration get the best of me.
Today I didn't have a whole lot to talk to her about. And it felt good. I'm not certain what's happened in the last five weeks but I have this amazing sense of peace about me. I have come to the realization that I need to relax and not always try to be in control; I was never in control to begin with. I've decided not to let other peoples' actions frustrate me when they have not direct consequence on my life. I don't stress out (as much) when I'm running five minutes late because people know me, they know that I value their time, and they know that I wouldn't be late for no good reason. I don't try to plan for every possible situation that could ever happen in the future; I always used to have a Plan A, B, C and D for everything and I'm not doing that anymore. I've handled situations with my kids in a much more calm, loving manner and I can see that my son is picking up on it. And I've started to give myself a break a little bit more.
I've always been an "I Can Do It All" type of person. But you know what, it's actually kind of nice not trying to do it all. Right now, I have laundry sitting on the bench at the foot of my bed. My son is at MSTBE's house so at the very least, I could put the new sheets on his bed and hang his and my clothes. But instead, I'm catching up on Season 1 of The Blacklist (which I'm OBSESSED with) and typing this, gathering some peace of mind. I've taken Me Time every weekend for the past month to paint my fingernails.
I wish that I could pinpoint something that has happened in the last five weeks to have caused such a drastic change in my being. Either way, I'm happy that it happened, whatever "it" is.
P.S. I'm sorry for the decreased blog activity; I'm back to work after having the summer off and I'm still getting back into the swing of things. I hope to post every week starting very soon.
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