November 6, 2014 ~ I Don't Think That I Should Be Blogging Right Now

I probably shouldn't be writing right now.  I've been drinking.  I'm wallowing in ass hole-ness with prosecco and white wine (and dark chocolate, and gorgonzola and pretzels, and mini ice cream drumsticks). MSTBE is in rare form lately, having issues with money, as usual. He gets pissed off any time something monetary comes up because God forbid he support his children to the extent of the law. (I rarely use alcohol as a coping mechanism so there's no need to worry about me.)

Here's the point: I find that when my emotions are most raw, I am the most honest with myself. I put on a brave front day to day; I act strong and just keep on keeping on. I "Just do it." I do the best that I can to be the most awesome Mom that I can be and that is my focus. Ask anyone who knows me: they will probably tell you that I'm in the top five strongest people that they know. But when my emotions are raw, I begin to break down. I'm not so strong. I wish that I didn't have to do this on my own. As I was typing this, I just began to imagine a life where I had a partner supporting me and the kids and the thought hurt so badly that I couldn't continue. I thought about having someone around to play with and love the kids while I'm making dinner and the tears began flowing. Can you imagine if I let myself dream even more? I wish that I had someone to rely on every day, for everything. I wish that I had someone who would take care of me instead of me taking care of them. I JUST WANT ONE DAY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES! I wonder, "When do I get to experience an easier life?"

I struggle with these feelings because I've always taken pride in being strong, in being able to do it all on my own and do it well. I don't like feeling like I NEED help.  I know that I don't need help. I can do anything on my own and I can do it better than most people. No offense, but that's who I am (and I know that because I've been through tons of counseling that has confirmed it).

But you know what, damn it, I want some help. As awful as this sounds, I want to meet someone who can take care of me, emotionally AND financially. As often as I remind myself how lucky I am to have two amazing kids I wish that my life could be a little bit easier. I know that my life isn't awful. But I also know that I've always felt like I've struggled even just a little bit, whether it be monetarily, or the feeling of being in an awful relationship that you can't get out of (I'm sure I'll get into my college relationship at some point), or the struggle that comes with working on your masters while working full time, or being in an unhappy marriage, and so much more. I want a break from that. I want a time period in my life where I don't feel like I'm struggling for something. I just want a break. I want some help and I want some unconditional support and love.