I just found out that MSTBE has decided that he can't take responsibility for our children on one of the three days that he does anything for them. (On the day in question, he picks them up from daycare, takes them to the park, and drops our daughter off around 5 pm then takes our son to his house for the night.) I'm trying to type this without making it negative, focusing only on my experience of it. I'm having a difficult time. I don't want to focus on the anger or negative feelings because letting those things take over has never helped anyone. I'm sure you, as a reader, can imagine the anger that I'm feeling and, if you know me at all, you will probably have a few choice words for MSTBE going through your head as you read this. Instead of the anger, I will focus on the emotions and hope that writing about them and sharing them with you will help me work through them.
Here's why I'm torn.
Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!
But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?
This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type.
I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.
I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)
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