June 11, 2016 - Coffee Was No Bueno

I just had a little bit of a meltdown. My kids are in the bath. I'm listening to music. Coldplay's "Yellow" came on. Most Coldplay songs make me feel and reflect a little more than usual. This afternoon was the first time that I've had time to just sit and "be" in a really long time and it was the first time that I've actually stopped (aside from sleeping) and wasn't rushing, since I had coffee with MSTBE on Thursday. (See this post for details of what I thought might happen at said coffee meeting.) I had a mini meltdown because it was the first time that it really sunk in that this arrangement with MSTBE and my kids, where they only see him one night per week, isn't a temporary situation. And immediately following that realization, it became clear that my kids aren't

going to have their Dad in their lives much at all. And even though I don't think fondly of him or think that he's a really stellar Dad, it made me sad.

To say that coffee went nothing like I expected is possibly the understatement of the century. I'll spare you the play by play and just give you the important information. I didn't get screamed at or humiliated. That's the good news. It's the only good news. MSTBE had no interest in doing anything to make me feel that my kids are safe at his house. I know that I haven't revealed specifics about the safety issue that caused him to lose most of his time with them but you'll have to trust me that it was pretty serious. I need to cover myself and be sure that I don't slander or write anything that might eventually be used against me in court. I know him well enough to feel confident that I'm being overly cautious here, that he probably won't take any initiative to do anything to see the kids more, but I'd rather be safe than sorry.

And that leads me back to coffee. Not only did he not want to do an online safety course for parents, he basically had no interest in seeing the kids any more than he already does because it would require him to drive more often. There's that lack of initiative and interest.

A little background: when we met, we lived about 40 miles apart; when we got engaged, we moved to 

a city that was close to halfway between our jobs but I eventually found a job much closer to home; and I still live in this city (farther from friends and family than I'd like but I'm not going to get into that now) but he moved about 20 miles away, closer to his job.

Back to coffee, once again. He suggested that on the two days a week that I was suggesting that he have the kids, I meet him halfway for pick up and drop off. I was flabbergasted. So not only am I solely responsible for them five days a week, but you want me to pick them up from school in the afternoon and meet you halfway so that they could spend the night with you??? And meet you halfway in the morning before work and school the next day to drop them off?!?! I was so caught off guard by this suggestion that I had nothing better to say than, "That's just not how it works."

To sum it up, he declined my offer to see the kids more than once a week because it's too much driving and too stressful dropping them off at two different places for preschool and daycare. I'm still caught off guard by this fact, it still hasn't sunk in that nothing is going to change for a very long time, if ever.

I don't know what it is that causes me to think for brief periods of time that maybe he'll change. I don't know why I continue to reach out to him. Actually I do: it's my kids. My son has been asking to spend more time with his Dad so I tried to make it happen for him. But when all is said and done, I believe that my kids are better off with me and my Mom (who gives me a little sanity by taking them one night per week and saves me money by watching them during the day the two days surrounding that night).

Needless to say, I won't be reaching out to him again.