June 19, 2014 ~ Why Does He Have To Lie?

I know the answer to that question.  Don't worry, this post isn't going to be a blame-game post.  But before I share the answer, let me tell you what made me want to write this.  I previously wrote about MSTBE sending me a text this morning stating that his best friend was in town for work.  We all went out for dinner.  Here's my train of thought at one point in the evening.

I'm taking the kids to the beach tomorrow.
I wonder if Best Friend is doing anything.
Wait, is he here on work?
I'd like to invite him to the beach if he's not.

So I asked him if he was working while he was here and he said no.  He said he would've loved going to the beach with us but didn't have a car and had already planned on riding a bike to the gym.

Why did MSTBE feel the need to lie to me about why his best friend was in town?  Lying was a major issue in our relationship and, after a lot of counseling, I realized that it wasn't just MSTBE's fault.  This is actually an example of one of the major personality issues that drove a wedge between us.

MSTBE has a history of being overly criticized.  He doesn't like to feel like he's doing anything wrong.  In fact, he can't tolerate the feeling.

I am probably on the critical side of the spectrum (although I like to believe that I've learned a lot in the past few years and am now not too far from average).

Here's the clash:  MSTBE tells me something; I criticize; he learns that instead, he should lie and not have to deal with the criticism.  (This pattern had actually already been established very early on in his life and my criticism caused the pattern to transfer to our relationship.)

Don't get me wrong, I'm not taking the blame for him lying.  I hate lying and don't think that anybody should do it.  I think that MSTBE should man up and deal with the consequences of his actions.  But I also know that I could woman up and handle things a bit differently.

Even after a ton of marriage and individual counseling, I realized that neither of us was changing the way we were.  MSTBE wasn't willing to do the hard work required to analyze that other relationship and see that I, in fact, am not that other person and my criticism was nowhere near the same severity of that person's.  I wasn't becoming a sweet, soft person anytime soon.  This was one of the issues that made me realize that we simply could not make our marriage work.

I'm actually glad that it came up again today.  I guess I'm kind of saying that I'm glad that he lied to me, although that's just crazy.  Initially, I was incredibly frustrated about the lying.  Then I thought about writing this post and asking the question above.  And then I remembered the answer to the question.  I'm still angry that I was lied to but this post and the thoughts that have lead up to it have made me feel so much better.

I don't know why he lied.  Was it to cover up the fact that his friend came out because he was worried about him?  That's very likely.  Was it because he thought that I would think negatively about his friend coming out for any reason other than work?  Who knows.  It doesn't matter and I don't care anymore.