July 29, 2014 ~ This Arrangement is Too Difficult

This is a post that I wrote late in the summer, three months after I moved into my own house and only about a month before our custody arrangement changed. Now, my son is spending three nights per week at MSTBE's house and I see MSTBE very minimally. He's in my house for minutes per week instead of hours. I'm publishing this old post because it reminds me to keep things in perspective; nothing lasts forever and I can make it through anything temporarily, no matter how difficult it is. Here's the post:


In case you don't know (like you haven't read all of my riveting posts - yeah right!), I see MSTBE quite often and he is in my house most evenings. I won't go into the details because those of you that have read all of my posts have read the details twice already. (If you haven't read about our weird, temporary custody arrangement, read this: Sometimes I Feel Like We're Doing This Right (If There is Such a Thing.) But this arrangement is just getting too difficult.

This morning, while we were getting ready, my son told me that MSTBE was looking in my closet yesterday and when he asked MSTBE what he was doing, MSTBE told him that he was looking to see what color shirts I have. What in the hell was he doing looking in my closet?  He doesn't realize that my son tells me everything that seems fishy or different in any way. He was trying to cover it up with my son by making up a lie about what he was doing. (For more about the lying, refer to my previous post: Why Does He Have to Lie?)  Seriously, what kind of creeper is he?

Yes, MSTBE is regularly in my bedroom with my son while I put my daughter to bed. Yes, it is a weird arrangement. I don't have a television in the living room and my son likes to watch Curious George before he goes to bed so they hang out together in my room. MSTBE sits in my little sitting area and my son hangs out on my bed. It was incredibly awkward at first but I had gotten used to it. Now I just don't know what to do. I haven't trusted him in a very long time but I didn't think he'd do things like sneak around in my closet and steal diapers from me. Oh wait, do you not know about that? Yes, he was stealing diapers from me, smuggling them out of the house even though it clearly states in the divorce paperwork that we are each to have our own supply.

October 20, 2014 ~ Now How Am I Going to Be An Optimist About This

I got choked up in the car this afternoon while driving with both of my kids to my son's basketball class. This song came on the radio and it took me back in time.







First, let me take you back even further than half a year. I have and always will be a hopeless optimist. I take pride in being optimistic and in trying to find the positive in any and all situations. I also believe that even in crappy situations there is always something to be learned that will positively effect our lives in some way. I will never be the person who expects the worst from a situation and I'm pretty much a "Make it Work" pro (for any Tim Gunn fans out there).


So when I was experiencing the most difficult time of my life from Spring 2013 until I finally moved into my own house in April 2014, separate from MSTBE, this song really struck a cord. Every time I heard it, I wondered, "Now how AM I going to be an optimist about THIS?"  I knew that I could find a way, even while I was struggling to figure out if my marriage was over. I had faith in my optimism and often found little glimmers of hope to stay positive. I was terrified of being away from my kids even one night per week, but I forced myself to think about having some "Me Time" and being able to get back to my hobbies. I was afraid of the change that came along with ending a seven year relationship, but I constantly reminded myself that I wasn't happy and that I had come to the conclusion that nothing could be done to make me happy in this relationship.


When I heard this song today, I got choked up because it brought me back to a time when I occasionally doubted my optimism. I guess I could say that optimism is kind of like my religion. Can you imagine being faced with a situation where you doubted your religion? Maybe you have and you know how it feels. Needless to say, I am glad that it was only a temporary lapse in faith and my full optimism has been restored completely.


P.S. I know I mentioned in the last post that I made, which seems like quite some time ago, that I was hoping to be writing more often. I had been in over my head adjusting to a new school year with a new lifestyle. I am still adjusting, taking on too much responsibility at work, and trying to exercise and lose weight to boot. I am often pretty exhausted by the time my babes are in bed at night. Writing takes a lot out of me. It is emotionally challenging and also, I am a perfectionist; I read everything three times (or seven), making changes each time, before I post. I will continue to blog. I will find more time to blog soon because it is very healing for me. I will make my blog more "modern" and start including pictures, add pages, and change the design to be more "Me." And I plan to write a series of posts about how I did get here, which was my intention from day one and why I picked the title. It will happen. I'm not giving up on this. As always, thanks for reading.