I got a lump in my throat tonight when I walked into my daughter's room to put her laundry away and saw her empty crib. I thought, "No, I'm not ready for this. I want to take it back." But this isn't about me. This is about doing what's best for my kids.
I started to make this post about the logistics of the day and told the story about driving 20 minutes to MSTBE's because my daughter had changed her mind about spending the night only to learn that she really didn't want to change her mind, followed by receiving a text from MSTBE seconds before pulling back into my driveway 20 minutes later saying that I should come and get her because she was upset. (She ended up being fine and I didn't go back.) But I don't think that is the story that you want to hear. Logistics are boring. The emotions are what a diary is all about and why I'm really writing this blog. So here goes...
All week long I had a pretty good feeling that tonight was going to be the first night that my baby girl spent the night outside of my house for the first time. She's been asking to spend the night at MSTBE's for about two weeks and she's taken a nap there several times on the weekend. As much as I've been dreading this day and feeling absolutely and completely not ready for it, I had found a way to put a positive spin on it. I got excited about being able to do yoga for the first time since she was born. (I did prenatal yoga throughout both of my pregnancies because my body needed it badly; other than that, I had never made time for it since my son was born.) I started thinking about how I was going to spend my day and night and about all of the things that have been hanging over my head that I'd be able to get done. Today I even started thinking about the notion of waking up for work in the morning and only having myself to worry about getting ready. What a novel idea. These were exciting prospects. Exciting enough to distract me from the reality of an empty crib.
I went to yoga, which felt fantastic for so many reasons. I did four load of laundry. I washed all of our sheets and made all of our beds. I hung up all of the laundry, which is something that almost never gets done. I updated my budget and sat down to really spend some time analyzing it. I made a roast. I did dishes (because there are always dishes to do). I went to a restaurant for a couple of hours with my family. I made ranch dressing from scratch. I watched a little bit of TV.
I won't lie. It feels nice to have had some me time and some quiet time. But it's also difficult seeing that empty crib.
What I have to remind myself is what I said at the top of this post: this isn't about me. My kids need their Dad. If she's ready to start spending nights there, then that's what is going to happen. Never in my life will I hold my kids back from something because I'm not ready for it to happen. I will challenge them and push them forward, not hinder them. I will support them and their desires even if they conflict with my wants and needs. I will always focus on what is best for them. Because they are the loves of my life.
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