March 1, 2015 ~ The Beginning of Another New Chapter

Yesterday was the first day that my daughter napped at MSTBE's house. Once she gets used to napping there, she will spend her first night there and eventually she will spend three nights a week there, like my son does now. I have been both dreading and looking forward to this new beginning for a very long time. 

I'm not sure if I can explain how this impeding change has made me feel so that someone who hasn't been through this could understand it, but I'm going to try. I can't even come up with the right words for the feelings I'm experiencing. I started to type the words "fear and sadness" but that seems a bit too dramatic. However it is a little bit of fear and a little bit of sadness and a little bit of a whole lot more, particularly because my daughter is my baby, my last child. It was difficult when my son started napping at MSTBE's house but this feels more difficult because of my daughter's age. (My son was almost three years old when MSTBE and I split and he didn't start napping at MSTBE's house right away. My daughter isn't quite two yet.)

I held on to my marriage for much longer than I should have partly because I did not want to spend nights with my kids sleeping outside of my house. I think that all parents understand the feeling of comfort that comes with knowing that your kids are tucked in safely just on the other side of a wall or down the hall. Well, that's a comfort that's been cut in half since my son started sleeping at MSTBE's, and soon enough it will be gone completely three nights per week. 

But there's also a feeling of helplessness, knowing that I won't be there when they need something. I want to be there if either of them has a nightmare and when they get sick in the middle of the night, but I won't always be able to be that comfort for them. I know that this helpless feeling will willow away as my kids get older and more self sufficient; it's easier to deal with in regard to my son because he is two years older than my daughter. But I can't imagine that it will ever be gone completely.

The worst part though is that I will miss out on 3/7ths of all of the goodnight kisses and reading books and snuggles. There is so much bonding that goes on at bedtime and I truly miss those moments with my son. It seems like it will be more difficult to give up those moments with my daughter though because, at this age, I still rock with her in a rocking chair and gently place her in her crib to fall asleep. She still wants me to sing to her every single night after we read books.

How do I get through this? The same way that I get through everything. When I find myself wallowing in fear or sorrow or sadness, I remember that there is a positive side to every situation.

I know that my life is very unbalanced right now and that I get zero time to do things for myself. I know that living this way is unhealthy. I know that it effects my mood and my ability to be the best Mom that I can be. Once I have a little bit more time to myself, I'm going to dedicate a good portion of it not to doing more around the house or working more but to doing things that make me happy. I will start doing yoga and running and cooking more. I will spend some time with friends outside the context of playdates. And as I get more comfortable with the idea of having a bit of time to myself, I am certain that I will develop new hobbies or rekindle my love for old ones that I've forgotten about. These are the reasons that I have felt a little bit of anticipation, why I have actually been looking forward to what will be a difficult change for me. I know that it will be a positive change for everyone.