December 30, 2014 ~ Always Learning About Myself: Temperament is Not Our "Fault"

I literally just went from laughing out loud to having a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in about 2 seconds flat. But I get tears in my eyes every time that I learn something new about myself. And that's been happening a lot lately.

I was laughing as I was driving home from Sprouts, thinking about something my daughter did yesterday. It was the end of the day, Frozen was on, and I was catching up on things on my phone (ie checking facebook). She was carrying my heavy glass water bottle around for no good reason then looked at me and said, "Put phone down! Fill it up!" All 20 months of her put those two sentences together and demanded that I jump to action. I laughed at the memory and thought, "Yup, that's my girl. She sure is a lot like me."

The thoughts that followed went so quickly that I couldn't possibly put them into the exact words nor express the speed at which they went through my mind but it went something like this.

Well, that's just her temperament. She was born that way. 

But wait, why do I get so angry at myself for having that same temperament 

but I don't get angry with either of my kids for their temperament?

And that's when I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. You see, they were almost tears of joy. Because I figured out something pretty major about the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I do believe that temperament is something that we're born with and something that we can't change. My temperament is similar to my daughter's (or hers is like mine) in that we are both very intense and persistent. Maybe that's putting it nicely. We are both demanding.

I've often looked down on myself and wished that I could be less of both of those things. It probably goes back to the first marriage counselor that MSTBE and I saw who seemed to think that if I could be more "soft" that our marriage would be more successful. Gosh, I'd like to get deeper into that experience but I think I'll have to save that for another post because it would take quite a while to write about.

So maybe now that I've had this realization that my temperament is not my "fault," which I sincerely believe, I will be a little bit easier on myself. Check out this link on temperament and see what you think. Are there things that you do which are related to your temperament that you allow yourself to feel badly about? How about we all take a vow to remind ourselves about temperament whenever we start thinking negatively about ourselves?

December 1, 2014 ~ A New Development; I'm Torn

I just found out that MSTBE has decided that he can't take responsibility for our children on one of the three days that he does anything for them. (On the day in question, he picks them up from daycare, takes them to the park, and drops our daughter off around 5 pm then takes our son to his house for the night.) I'm trying to type this without making it negative, focusing only on my experience of it. I'm having a difficult time. I don't want to focus on the anger or negative feelings because letting those things take over has never helped anyone. I'm sure you, as a reader, can imagine the anger that I'm feeling and, if you know me at all, you will probably have a few choice words for MSTBE going through your head as you read this. Instead of the anger, I will focus on the emotions and hope that writing about them and sharing them with you will help me work through them.

Here's why I'm torn. 

Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!

But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?

This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type. 

I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.

I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)

November 23, 2014 ~ There Was a Man

I had a dream last night. It made me feel a way that I haven't felt in a long time.It gave me a sense of peace, serenity, and calm. I don't remember all of the details but I remember enough.

I was rushing and trying to get something done for the kids. I don't know what it was but I could tell that it was something special, like an over the top birthday party. It was getting close to party time (or whatever-time) and I felt stressed and like I was running out of time. Like things weren't going to be perfect, the way that I wanted them to be.

There was a man. He knew me. He knew my insane drive to do everything and to do it impeccably well. He GOT me. And not only that, but he knew how to help me come down from the stress of having a deadline and not feeling in control. He knew what to say. And then he gave me a kiss and a hug.

I'm definitely not looking for a man to fix my "problems" and I hope that's not what this dream sounds like. Hell, I'm not looking for a man at all right now. If I ever decide to give a relationship another chance, the thing that I will be looking for is someone who can truly get to know me and balance me out. And someone that I can do the same for. I don't know if that's truly out there but a girl can hold out hope.

November 9, 2014 ~ A Letter to MSTBE

MSTBE,

You are clearly very angry with me. The nasty, ranting texts and emails that you have been sending me for the past three days are evidence of that. The way that you have been ignoring my presence at pick up and drop off is also evidence.

Here's my question: what, exactly, are you mad at me for? Wait, I know what you're mad at me for. You're mad because I'm accepting child support, which is breaking you. You're angry because you can't afford to live in the apartment by the beach that you chose to move into when we went separate ways. You're angry because you think that the only place that you can afford to live is 45 minutes away from your kids and that you won't be able to see them as much anymore. And you're particularly angry with me because I was able to find a very large house to share with my Mom in April and I can provide a nice home and a loving family for our kids, which is not an option for you.

So here's a better question: what would you have me do differently? Would you have me take less support than what the law has deemed fit? Would you have me take no child support and try to monetarily provide for our kids on my own? Would you feel better if I was living on my own, struggling, in a small house, not able to provide this environment for our kids? Or would it be better if I didn't have family members nearby who love our kids and who our kids love dearly?

Should I remind you of the many fair, generous things that I've done since we moved into separate houses in April? Yes, I got more of the furniture and kids' belongings when we split but that was simply because you didn't have the space for it in your one bedroom apartment. But when our son began feeling comfortable spending some time at your house, I sent him with a set of toys to keep there. And when he began spending the night, I sent him with half of his clothes even though it meant that I would have to buy more for him to keep here. (I am responsible for the kids' daycare bag each day, which requires me to have twice as many outfits as MSTBE, not to mention the fact that I make all of the bottles, wash all of the dishes, pack all of the snacks, etc.) When we began to discuss the logistics of our daughter spending the night, trying to figure out how you were going to make that work in a one bedroom apartment, I offered to pay for half of a new crib for her since I got the crib that we purchased together. In fact, let me take it way back to the beginning of our divorce discussions. I agreed to allow you to pay child support as if you had the kids 25% of the time even though, in the beginning, you only had them about 5% of the time and now you have them about 20% of the time.

Despite me being incredibly fair and honest for the past seven months, you continue to blame me for your monetary woes. The last three days have been almost as bad as the week after we met with the mediator for the first time when you were told that you would have to pay support or the week before we parted ways when that became a reality.(I'm not going to go further into the fact that you thought you weren't going to have to pay support at all.) 

But I will never share these feelings with you because I know that you won't care. Presenting logical arguments will only make you more angry and these thoughts won't change anything. I am writing this for myself. After my run this morning, as I was waiting for you to drop the kids off, I began to realize that I feel badly that you are so angry. That's just who I am; I don't like to see people hurt or struggling. But you know what, I am going to continue to remind myself every day, every hour if necessary, that I'm not doing anything wrong and I don't deserve to be treated the way that you are treating me. I wish that you were a happier person because I don't want your negativity rubbing off on our kids but there's nothing that I can do to help you be happier. Maybe someday things will change. In the meantime, I will continue to be the positive person that I am and I'm going to do my best to stop allowing you to make me physically sick with this behavior.

Signed,
Someone Who Doesn't Give a Damn Anymore

November 6, 2014 ~ I Don't Think That I Should Be Blogging Right Now

I probably shouldn't be writing right now.  I've been drinking.  I'm wallowing in ass hole-ness with prosecco and white wine (and dark chocolate, and gorgonzola and pretzels, and mini ice cream drumsticks). MSTBE is in rare form lately, having issues with money, as usual. He gets pissed off any time something monetary comes up because God forbid he support his children to the extent of the law. (I rarely use alcohol as a coping mechanism so there's no need to worry about me.)

Here's the point: I find that when my emotions are most raw, I am the most honest with myself. I put on a brave front day to day; I act strong and just keep on keeping on. I "Just do it." I do the best that I can to be the most awesome Mom that I can be and that is my focus. Ask anyone who knows me: they will probably tell you that I'm in the top five strongest people that they know. But when my emotions are raw, I begin to break down. I'm not so strong. I wish that I didn't have to do this on my own. As I was typing this, I just began to imagine a life where I had a partner supporting me and the kids and the thought hurt so badly that I couldn't continue. I thought about having someone around to play with and love the kids while I'm making dinner and the tears began flowing. Can you imagine if I let myself dream even more? I wish that I had someone to rely on every day, for everything. I wish that I had someone who would take care of me instead of me taking care of them. I JUST WANT ONE DAY THAT I DON'T HAVE TO DO THE DISHES! I wonder, "When do I get to experience an easier life?"

I struggle with these feelings because I've always taken pride in being strong, in being able to do it all on my own and do it well. I don't like feeling like I NEED help.  I know that I don't need help. I can do anything on my own and I can do it better than most people. No offense, but that's who I am (and I know that because I've been through tons of counseling that has confirmed it).

But you know what, damn it, I want some help. As awful as this sounds, I want to meet someone who can take care of me, emotionally AND financially. As often as I remind myself how lucky I am to have two amazing kids I wish that my life could be a little bit easier. I know that my life isn't awful. But I also know that I've always felt like I've struggled even just a little bit, whether it be monetarily, or the feeling of being in an awful relationship that you can't get out of (I'm sure I'll get into my college relationship at some point), or the struggle that comes with working on your masters while working full time, or being in an unhappy marriage, and so much more. I want a break from that. I want a time period in my life where I don't feel like I'm struggling for something. I just want a break. I want some help and I want some unconditional support and love.

July 29, 2014 ~ This Arrangement is Too Difficult

This is a post that I wrote late in the summer, three months after I moved into my own house and only about a month before our custody arrangement changed. Now, my son is spending three nights per week at MSTBE's house and I see MSTBE very minimally. He's in my house for minutes per week instead of hours. I'm publishing this old post because it reminds me to keep things in perspective; nothing lasts forever and I can make it through anything temporarily, no matter how difficult it is. Here's the post:


In case you don't know (like you haven't read all of my riveting posts - yeah right!), I see MSTBE quite often and he is in my house most evenings. I won't go into the details because those of you that have read all of my posts have read the details twice already. (If you haven't read about our weird, temporary custody arrangement, read this: Sometimes I Feel Like We're Doing This Right (If There is Such a Thing.) But this arrangement is just getting too difficult.

This morning, while we were getting ready, my son told me that MSTBE was looking in my closet yesterday and when he asked MSTBE what he was doing, MSTBE told him that he was looking to see what color shirts I have. What in the hell was he doing looking in my closet?  He doesn't realize that my son tells me everything that seems fishy or different in any way. He was trying to cover it up with my son by making up a lie about what he was doing. (For more about the lying, refer to my previous post: Why Does He Have to Lie?)  Seriously, what kind of creeper is he?

Yes, MSTBE is regularly in my bedroom with my son while I put my daughter to bed. Yes, it is a weird arrangement. I don't have a television in the living room and my son likes to watch Curious George before he goes to bed so they hang out together in my room. MSTBE sits in my little sitting area and my son hangs out on my bed. It was incredibly awkward at first but I had gotten used to it. Now I just don't know what to do. I haven't trusted him in a very long time but I didn't think he'd do things like sneak around in my closet and steal diapers from me. Oh wait, do you not know about that? Yes, he was stealing diapers from me, smuggling them out of the house even though it clearly states in the divorce paperwork that we are each to have our own supply.

October 20, 2014 ~ Now How Am I Going to Be An Optimist About This

I got choked up in the car this afternoon while driving with both of my kids to my son's basketball class. This song came on the radio and it took me back in time.







First, let me take you back even further than half a year. I have and always will be a hopeless optimist. I take pride in being optimistic and in trying to find the positive in any and all situations. I also believe that even in crappy situations there is always something to be learned that will positively effect our lives in some way. I will never be the person who expects the worst from a situation and I'm pretty much a "Make it Work" pro (for any Tim Gunn fans out there).


So when I was experiencing the most difficult time of my life from Spring 2013 until I finally moved into my own house in April 2014, separate from MSTBE, this song really struck a cord. Every time I heard it, I wondered, "Now how AM I going to be an optimist about THIS?"  I knew that I could find a way, even while I was struggling to figure out if my marriage was over. I had faith in my optimism and often found little glimmers of hope to stay positive. I was terrified of being away from my kids even one night per week, but I forced myself to think about having some "Me Time" and being able to get back to my hobbies. I was afraid of the change that came along with ending a seven year relationship, but I constantly reminded myself that I wasn't happy and that I had come to the conclusion that nothing could be done to make me happy in this relationship.


When I heard this song today, I got choked up because it brought me back to a time when I occasionally doubted my optimism. I guess I could say that optimism is kind of like my religion. Can you imagine being faced with a situation where you doubted your religion? Maybe you have and you know how it feels. Needless to say, I am glad that it was only a temporary lapse in faith and my full optimism has been restored completely.


P.S. I know I mentioned in the last post that I made, which seems like quite some time ago, that I was hoping to be writing more often. I had been in over my head adjusting to a new school year with a new lifestyle. I am still adjusting, taking on too much responsibility at work, and trying to exercise and lose weight to boot. I am often pretty exhausted by the time my babes are in bed at night. Writing takes a lot out of me. It is emotionally challenging and also, I am a perfectionist; I read everything three times (or seven), making changes each time, before I post. I will continue to blog. I will find more time to blog soon because it is very healing for me. I will make my blog more "modern" and start including pictures, add pages, and change the design to be more "Me." And I plan to write a series of posts about how I did get here, which was my intention from day one and why I picked the title. It will happen. I'm not giving up on this. As always, thanks for reading.