I got a lump in my throat tonight when I walked into my daughter's room to put her laundry away and saw her empty crib. I thought, "No, I'm not ready for this. I want to take it back." But this isn't about me. This is about doing what's best for my kids.
I started to make this post about the logistics of the day and told the story about driving 20 minutes to MSTBE's because my daughter had changed her mind about spending the night only to learn that she really didn't want to change her mind, followed by receiving a text from MSTBE seconds before pulling back into my driveway 20 minutes later saying that I should come and get her because she was upset. (She ended up being fine and I didn't go back.) But I don't think that is the story that you want to hear. Logistics are boring. The emotions are what a diary is all about and why I'm really writing this blog. So here goes...
All week long I had a pretty good feeling that tonight was going to be the first night that my baby girl spent the night outside of my house for the first time. She's been asking to spend the night at MSTBE's for about two weeks and she's taken a nap there several times on the weekend. As much as I've been dreading this day and feeling absolutely and completely not ready for it, I had found a way to put a positive spin on it. I got excited about being able to do yoga for the first time since she was born. (I did prenatal yoga throughout both of my pregnancies because my body needed it badly; other than that, I had never made time for it since my son was born.) I started thinking about how I was going to spend my day and night and about all of the things that have been hanging over my head that I'd be able to get done. Today I even started thinking about the notion of waking up for work in the morning and only having myself to worry about getting ready. What a novel idea. These were exciting prospects. Exciting enough to distract me from the reality of an empty crib.
I went to yoga, which felt fantastic for so many reasons. I did four load of laundry. I washed all of our sheets and made all of our beds. I hung up all of the laundry, which is something that almost never gets done. I updated my budget and sat down to really spend some time analyzing it. I made a roast. I did dishes (because there are always dishes to do). I went to a restaurant for a couple of hours with my family. I made ranch dressing from scratch. I watched a little bit of TV.
I won't lie. It feels nice to have had some me time and some quiet time. But it's also difficult seeing that empty crib.
What I have to remind myself is what I said at the top of this post: this isn't about me. My kids need their Dad. If she's ready to start spending nights there, then that's what is going to happen. Never in my life will I hold my kids back from something because I'm not ready for it to happen. I will challenge them and push them forward, not hinder them. I will support them and their desires even if they conflict with my wants and needs. I will always focus on what is best for them. Because they are the loves of my life.
Sunday, March 29, 2015
Sunday, March 8, 2015
March 8, 2015 ~ I Just Can't Get It Through My Thick Skull
I'm faced with a particular lesson time after time, one that you're probably faced with fairly regularly as well, and I just can't get it through my thick skull. You see, I have high expectations. Probably too high. My Dad always expected a lot out of my brothers and me when we were kids because he knew that we could achieve to those expectations. My Advanced Placement US History teacher put it well my junior year in high school. He said that he had high expectations of us so that we would rise to the challenge in his class; if he lowered his expectations then we wouldn't rise as high.
Well, I have high expectations in many aspects of my life, mostly of myself, which is why I beat myself up quite often when I don't perform well or when I don't handle myself well in a difficult situation. But I also have high expectations of those around me. The lesson that I need to learn, that needs to be bashed into my head over and over again, is that people are who they are no matter how high your expectations of them are. A father/daughter or student/teacher relationship is a completely different scenario than most relationships and the concept of high expectations doesn't really translate. You can have all the expectations that you want in a friendship or romantic relationship or even in family relationships outside of parent to child but the other person really is who they are and they will continue to behave the way the do no matter your expectations of them.
I sincerely believe (and have for a very long time) that expectations in relationships are one of the main reasons for failures. I'm talking about all kinds of expectations. It might be an expectation that has been embedded in your head from a TV show about how a marriage is "supposed to" look. Or it might be the way that you expect a special event or vacation will go. Or you might expect that a person will change their behavior when they "grow up" or when you get married or when you have a baby. Either way, the reality is likely not going to live up to the expectation, which will undoubtedly lead to disappointment.
Sometimes I think that I set up expectations of the way something is going to go without considering the normal behavior of others. It's a very short sighted way of looking at things and also often leads to disappointment.
Considering that I've believed for a very long time that expectations in relationships are generally evil, long before I ever got married, you would think that I'd be better about not setting myself up for these disappointments. But I'm not. And to make matters worse, I still allow myself to be saddened by people's behavior when they don't meet my high expectations, even if it is typical behavior for them. I have known for a very long time that I need to work on becoming more accepting of people's shortcomings, including my own. I know that gaining this skill will improve my relationships but, more importantly, it will make me a happier, more satisfied person.
Well, I have high expectations in many aspects of my life, mostly of myself, which is why I beat myself up quite often when I don't perform well or when I don't handle myself well in a difficult situation. But I also have high expectations of those around me. The lesson that I need to learn, that needs to be bashed into my head over and over again, is that people are who they are no matter how high your expectations of them are. A father/daughter or student/teacher relationship is a completely different scenario than most relationships and the concept of high expectations doesn't really translate. You can have all the expectations that you want in a friendship or romantic relationship or even in family relationships outside of parent to child but the other person really is who they are and they will continue to behave the way the do no matter your expectations of them.
I sincerely believe (and have for a very long time) that expectations in relationships are one of the main reasons for failures. I'm talking about all kinds of expectations. It might be an expectation that has been embedded in your head from a TV show about how a marriage is "supposed to" look. Or it might be the way that you expect a special event or vacation will go. Or you might expect that a person will change their behavior when they "grow up" or when you get married or when you have a baby. Either way, the reality is likely not going to live up to the expectation, which will undoubtedly lead to disappointment.
Sometimes I think that I set up expectations of the way something is going to go without considering the normal behavior of others. It's a very short sighted way of looking at things and also often leads to disappointment.
Considering that I've believed for a very long time that expectations in relationships are generally evil, long before I ever got married, you would think that I'd be better about not setting myself up for these disappointments. But I'm not. And to make matters worse, I still allow myself to be saddened by people's behavior when they don't meet my high expectations, even if it is typical behavior for them. I have known for a very long time that I need to work on becoming more accepting of people's shortcomings, including my own. I know that gaining this skill will improve my relationships but, more importantly, it will make me a happier, more satisfied person.
Sunday, March 1, 2015
March 1, 2015 ~ The Beginning of Another New Chapter
Yesterday was the first day that my daughter napped at MSTBE's house. Once she gets used to napping there, she will spend her first night there and eventually she will spend three nights a week there, like my son does now. I have been both dreading and looking forward to this new beginning for a very long time.
I'm not sure if I can explain how this impeding change has made me feel so that someone who hasn't been through this could understand it, but I'm going to try. I can't even come up with the right words for the feelings I'm experiencing. I started to type the words "fear and sadness" but that seems a bit too dramatic. However it is a little bit of fear and a little bit of sadness and a little bit of a whole lot more, particularly because my daughter is my baby, my last child. It was difficult when my son started napping at MSTBE's house but this feels more difficult because of my daughter's age. (My son was almost three years old when MSTBE and I split and he didn't start napping at MSTBE's house right away. My daughter isn't quite two yet.)
I held on to my marriage for much longer than I should have partly because I did not want to spend nights with my kids sleeping outside of my house. I think that all parents understand the feeling of comfort that comes with knowing that your kids are tucked in safely just on the other side of a wall or down the hall. Well, that's a comfort that's been cut in half since my son started sleeping at MSTBE's, and soon enough it will be gone completely three nights per week.
But there's also a feeling of helplessness, knowing that I won't be there when they need something. I want to be there if either of them has a nightmare and when they get sick in the middle of the night, but I won't always be able to be that comfort for them. I know that this helpless feeling will willow away as my kids get older and more self sufficient; it's easier to deal with in regard to my son because he is two years older than my daughter. But I can't imagine that it will ever be gone completely.
The worst part though is that I will miss out on 3/7ths of all of the goodnight kisses and reading books and snuggles. There is so much bonding that goes on at bedtime and I truly miss those moments with my son. It seems like it will be more difficult to give up those moments with my daughter though because, at this age, I still rock with her in a rocking chair and gently place her in her crib to fall asleep. She still wants me to sing to her every single night after we read books.
How do I get through this? The same way that I get through everything. When I find myself wallowing in fear or sorrow or sadness, I remember that there is a positive side to every situation.
I know that my life is very unbalanced right now and that I get zero time to do things for myself. I know that living this way is unhealthy. I know that it effects my mood and my ability to be the best Mom that I can be. Once I have a little bit more time to myself, I'm going to dedicate a good portion of it not to doing more around the house or working more but to doing things that make me happy. I will start doing yoga and running and cooking more. I will spend some time with friends outside the context of playdates. And as I get more comfortable with the idea of having a bit of time to myself, I am certain that I will develop new hobbies or rekindle my love for old ones that I've forgotten about. These are the reasons that I have felt a little bit of anticipation, why I have actually been looking forward to what will be a difficult change for me. I know that it will be a positive change for everyone.
I'm not sure if I can explain how this impeding change has made me feel so that someone who hasn't been through this could understand it, but I'm going to try. I can't even come up with the right words for the feelings I'm experiencing. I started to type the words "fear and sadness" but that seems a bit too dramatic. However it is a little bit of fear and a little bit of sadness and a little bit of a whole lot more, particularly because my daughter is my baby, my last child. It was difficult when my son started napping at MSTBE's house but this feels more difficult because of my daughter's age. (My son was almost three years old when MSTBE and I split and he didn't start napping at MSTBE's house right away. My daughter isn't quite two yet.)
I held on to my marriage for much longer than I should have partly because I did not want to spend nights with my kids sleeping outside of my house. I think that all parents understand the feeling of comfort that comes with knowing that your kids are tucked in safely just on the other side of a wall or down the hall. Well, that's a comfort that's been cut in half since my son started sleeping at MSTBE's, and soon enough it will be gone completely three nights per week.
But there's also a feeling of helplessness, knowing that I won't be there when they need something. I want to be there if either of them has a nightmare and when they get sick in the middle of the night, but I won't always be able to be that comfort for them. I know that this helpless feeling will willow away as my kids get older and more self sufficient; it's easier to deal with in regard to my son because he is two years older than my daughter. But I can't imagine that it will ever be gone completely.
The worst part though is that I will miss out on 3/7ths of all of the goodnight kisses and reading books and snuggles. There is so much bonding that goes on at bedtime and I truly miss those moments with my son. It seems like it will be more difficult to give up those moments with my daughter though because, at this age, I still rock with her in a rocking chair and gently place her in her crib to fall asleep. She still wants me to sing to her every single night after we read books.
How do I get through this? The same way that I get through everything. When I find myself wallowing in fear or sorrow or sadness, I remember that there is a positive side to every situation.
I know that my life is very unbalanced right now and that I get zero time to do things for myself. I know that living this way is unhealthy. I know that it effects my mood and my ability to be the best Mom that I can be. Once I have a little bit more time to myself, I'm going to dedicate a good portion of it not to doing more around the house or working more but to doing things that make me happy. I will start doing yoga and running and cooking more. I will spend some time with friends outside the context of playdates. And as I get more comfortable with the idea of having a bit of time to myself, I am certain that I will develop new hobbies or rekindle my love for old ones that I've forgotten about. These are the reasons that I have felt a little bit of anticipation, why I have actually been looking forward to what will be a difficult change for me. I know that it will be a positive change for everyone.
Wednesday, December 31, 2014
December 31, 2014 ~ Today Crushed Me
And it had nothing to do with New Years Eve. I've never been a fan of this holiday and it means very little to me.
If you've read a previous post, you know that MSTBE recently cut down his time with the kids because of work. My son has been having a difficult time with it. He regularly cries that he misses his Dad or that he wants to spend the night at his Dad's instead. It's been challenging to deal with on so many levels.
There's nothing that I can do to make it better for him, which kills me. I don't know what to say aside from telling him when he'll next see his Dad, offering to call MSTBE so that he can talk to him, trying to validate his feelings, and then as a last ditch effort I try to distract him with something.
But it's also been incredibly difficult because I feel so worthless and unappreciated. This is the part that is really slaying me not only because I'm having these feelings but mostly because I feel guilty for having them. I know that the way that he is behaving is completely normal. I know that he loves me and needs me in his life as much if not more than anyone else. But for some reason it still breaks my heart.
This is one of those things about being a parent where I need to learn something about myself in order to do a better job at raising my kids. What is it about myself that is causing me to have such a negative reaction to completely normal 3-year-old-going-through-a-divorce behavior and how do I keep it from affecting the way that I treat said 3 year old? I haven't had much of a chance to analyze it because I've been drowning my feelings with Watch What Happens Live and Candy Crush Soda Saga. That will be good enough for tonight. I will get to the analyzing in the light of day tomorrow.
Truly, I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2015. I know that my year will be looking up and I anticipate many great experiences.
If you've read a previous post, you know that MSTBE recently cut down his time with the kids because of work. My son has been having a difficult time with it. He regularly cries that he misses his Dad or that he wants to spend the night at his Dad's instead. It's been challenging to deal with on so many levels.
There's nothing that I can do to make it better for him, which kills me. I don't know what to say aside from telling him when he'll next see his Dad, offering to call MSTBE so that he can talk to him, trying to validate his feelings, and then as a last ditch effort I try to distract him with something.
But it's also been incredibly difficult because I feel so worthless and unappreciated. This is the part that is really slaying me not only because I'm having these feelings but mostly because I feel guilty for having them. I know that the way that he is behaving is completely normal. I know that he loves me and needs me in his life as much if not more than anyone else. But for some reason it still breaks my heart.
This is one of those things about being a parent where I need to learn something about myself in order to do a better job at raising my kids. What is it about myself that is causing me to have such a negative reaction to completely normal 3-year-old-going-through-a-divorce behavior and how do I keep it from affecting the way that I treat said 3 year old? I haven't had much of a chance to analyze it because I've been drowning my feelings with Watch What Happens Live and Candy Crush Soda Saga. That will be good enough for tonight. I will get to the analyzing in the light of day tomorrow.
Truly, I hope that everyone has a fantastic 2015. I know that my year will be looking up and I anticipate many great experiences.
Tuesday, December 30, 2014
December 30, 2014 ~ Always Learning About Myself: Temperament is Not Our "Fault"
I literally just went from laughing out loud to having a lump in my throat and tears in my eyes in about 2 seconds flat. But I get tears in my eyes every time that I learn something new about myself. And that's been happening a lot lately.
I was laughing as I was driving home from Sprouts, thinking about something my daughter did yesterday. It was the end of the day, Frozen was on, and I was catching up on things on my phone (ie checking facebook). She was carrying my heavy glass water bottle around for no good reason then looked at me and said, "Put phone down! Fill it up!" All 20 months of her put those two sentences together and demanded that I jump to action. I laughed at the memory and thought, "Yup, that's my girl. She sure is a lot like me."
The thoughts that followed went so quickly that I couldn't possibly put them into the exact words nor express the speed at which they went through my mind but it went something like this.
And that's when I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. You see, they were almost tears of joy. Because I figured out something pretty major about the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I do believe that temperament is something that we're born with and something that we can't change. My temperament is similar to my daughter's (or hers is like mine) in that we are both very intense and persistent. Maybe that's putting it nicely. We are both demanding.
I've often looked down on myself and wished that I could be less of both of those things. It probably goes back to the first marriage counselor that MSTBE and I saw who seemed to think that if I could be more "soft" that our marriage would be more successful. Gosh, I'd like to get deeper into that experience but I think I'll have to save that for another post because it would take quite a while to write about.
So maybe now that I've had this realization that my temperament is not my "fault," which I sincerely believe, I will be a little bit easier on myself. Check out this link on temperament and see what you think. Are there things that you do which are related to your temperament that you allow yourself to feel badly about? How about we all take a vow to remind ourselves about temperament whenever we start thinking negatively about ourselves?
I was laughing as I was driving home from Sprouts, thinking about something my daughter did yesterday. It was the end of the day, Frozen was on, and I was catching up on things on my phone (ie checking facebook). She was carrying my heavy glass water bottle around for no good reason then looked at me and said, "Put phone down! Fill it up!" All 20 months of her put those two sentences together and demanded that I jump to action. I laughed at the memory and thought, "Yup, that's my girl. She sure is a lot like me."
The thoughts that followed went so quickly that I couldn't possibly put them into the exact words nor express the speed at which they went through my mind but it went something like this.
Well, that's just her temperament. She was born that way.
But wait, why do I get so angry at myself for having that same temperament
but I don't get angry with either of my kids for their temperament?
And that's when I got the lump in my throat and the tears in my eyes. You see, they were almost tears of joy. Because I figured out something pretty major about the negative self talk that goes on in my head. I do believe that temperament is something that we're born with and something that we can't change. My temperament is similar to my daughter's (or hers is like mine) in that we are both very intense and persistent. Maybe that's putting it nicely. We are both demanding.
I've often looked down on myself and wished that I could be less of both of those things. It probably goes back to the first marriage counselor that MSTBE and I saw who seemed to think that if I could be more "soft" that our marriage would be more successful. Gosh, I'd like to get deeper into that experience but I think I'll have to save that for another post because it would take quite a while to write about.
So maybe now that I've had this realization that my temperament is not my "fault," which I sincerely believe, I will be a little bit easier on myself. Check out this link on temperament and see what you think. Are there things that you do which are related to your temperament that you allow yourself to feel badly about? How about we all take a vow to remind ourselves about temperament whenever we start thinking negatively about ourselves?
Monday, December 1, 2014
December 1, 2014 ~ A New Development; I'm Torn
I just found out that MSTBE has decided that he can't take responsibility for our children on one of the three days that he does anything for them. (On the day in question, he picks them up from daycare, takes them to the park, and drops our daughter off around 5 pm then takes our son to his house for the night.) I'm trying to type this without making it negative, focusing only on my experience of it. I'm having a difficult time. I don't want to focus on the anger or negative feelings because letting those things take over has never helped anyone. I'm sure you, as a reader, can imagine the anger that I'm feeling and, if you know me at all, you will probably have a few choice words for MSTBE going through your head as you read this. Instead of the anger, I will focus on the emotions and hope that writing about them and sharing them with you will help me work through them.
Here's why I'm torn.
Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!
But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?
This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type.
I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.
I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)
Here's why I'm torn.
Part of me is very happy. I've been having this unusual instinct: without realizing it I would start thinking that I couldn't wait until I got to spend more time with my kids. But as soon as the thought became conscious I would remind myself that that wasn't supposed to happen. If anything, I'd be seeing less of my daughter because, as she gets older and more capable of expressing her needs, she was supposed to start spending nights at MSTBE's house with my son. Also, I'm just coming off of a week at home with my kids, not having had to work because of Thanksgiving. Going back to work this morning was pretty difficult because I truly and sincerely had a great amount of fun with my kiddos during my week off. I love spending time with them!
But I also started crying a little bit when I read the email from MSTBE (if "crying a little bit" is something that someone can do). I was just getting used to the idea of having even a little bit of help with the kids. Wednesdays, the day that he's cutting from his kid responsibility schedule, have become the only day that I can run errands or find some "me time" after work. How am I going to do it without Wednesdays? I'm barely keeping my sanity now and I'm losing one of the crucially productive days of my week. How am I going to do this single Mom thing?
This really is a new development; I just got the email and am still working through my feelings as I type.
I've got to stick to the positive mentality that has gotten me through some difficult times; it's a minor setback in terms of keeping my own needs a priority but in the long run, I'll be better off to have had the extra memories with my son. There will be more playing and picture taking, more hugs and kisses, more book reading and bath times and bedtime snuggles. Before I know it, my babies be off doing their own thing and I'll have more "me time" than I'm comfortable with.
I know that I can do it. I'll get back into my "Just do it" mentality with more fervor than ever. I'll find a way and, as my Dad always used to tell me growing up, someday I'll look back on this and it won't seem as difficult as it was. (That's not exactly what he used to say but it's the way I've tweaked it to fit my life lately.)
Sunday, November 23, 2014
November 23, 2014 ~ There Was a Man
I had a dream last night. It made me feel a way that I haven't felt in a long time.It gave me a sense of peace, serenity, and calm. I don't remember all of the details but I remember enough.
I was rushing and trying to get something done for the kids. I don't know what it was but I could tell that it was something special, like an over the top birthday party. It was getting close to party time (or whatever-time) and I felt stressed and like I was running out of time. Like things weren't going to be perfect, the way that I wanted them to be.
There was a man. He knew me. He knew my insane drive to do everything and to do it impeccably well. He GOT me. And not only that, but he knew how to help me come down from the stress of having a deadline and not feeling in control. He knew what to say. And then he gave me a kiss and a hug.
I'm definitely not looking for a man to fix my "problems" and I hope that's not what this dream sounds like. Hell, I'm not looking for a man at all right now. If I ever decide to give a relationship another chance, the thing that I will be looking for is someone who can truly get to know me and balance me out. And someone that I can do the same for. I don't know if that's truly out there but a girl can hold out hope.
I was rushing and trying to get something done for the kids. I don't know what it was but I could tell that it was something special, like an over the top birthday party. It was getting close to party time (or whatever-time) and I felt stressed and like I was running out of time. Like things weren't going to be perfect, the way that I wanted them to be.
There was a man. He knew me. He knew my insane drive to do everything and to do it impeccably well. He GOT me. And not only that, but he knew how to help me come down from the stress of having a deadline and not feeling in control. He knew what to say. And then he gave me a kiss and a hug.
I'm definitely not looking for a man to fix my "problems" and I hope that's not what this dream sounds like. Hell, I'm not looking for a man at all right now. If I ever decide to give a relationship another chance, the thing that I will be looking for is someone who can truly get to know me and balance me out. And someone that I can do the same for. I don't know if that's truly out there but a girl can hold out hope.
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